Thursday, August 05, 2004
SCIENTISTS IDENTIFY NEW LINK IN EVOLUTIONARY CHAIN
By Tweed
In a shocking turn of events, questioning both President Bush's fitness for the office he currently holds and the theory of evolution first propounded by Charles Darwin, President Bush appears to be reverting to a lower form of the human species. On the campaign trail, Bush has been exhibiting odd behavior, such as walking on all fours, referring to guns as "boom sticks" and eating like a pig.
The visual similarity between George Bush and our ape friends has been well documented.
Bush or Bobo the Monkey?
But Bush's current behavior appears to be a significant step toward reverting to some pre- homo sapien form of life, according to researches at Byram University Science and Human Species Understanding College, Kingston and Syracuse (BUSHSUCKS). Researchers at BUSHSUCKS note that the eating of raw food, the failure to grasp even moderately complex subjects and the failure to correctly use one's native language are the three distinct signs of such species regression.
The eating of raw food is a major concern to mental health professionals. They note President Bush not only eats raw food, but revels in it.
Is This How It Works? Bush Losing Grip Of Basic Concepts
"We've been watching the President for some time," said Dr. I. duHattebusch, senior researcher at BUSHSUCKS. "But it is not until recently that we have witnessed all three of these characteristics in one man - or, if you will, one former man. He is a wonder of science, and I can't wait to dissect him to find out even more."
Scientists are calling this new species, Paleolithicus Georgian or Crawford Man. "It's ironic," noted Professor Tingelmann, from Texas State University. "In most places, Crawford Man would be a regression. Here, in Texas, it just may be a step forward on the evolutionary chain."
Bush Senses Another Dominant Male at a Campaign Stop
The BUSHSUCKS team have formally requested that President Bush be euthanized for purposes of scientific research. Vice President Cheney is heading up a task force to reach a decision. For his part, President Bush seemed up-beat about the findings: "Kerry - he just said that science is beliefs and he . . . he believes that when science . . . he . . . like, well he's, like, for science and it turns out its me - I'm like scientific."
A Distraught Bush Looks Out the Front Window of his Campaign Bus; Campaign Officials Have Refused to Keep a Window Open Because "It's a hassle to clean up the Presidential drool stains off the window."
Despite these concerns, Bush-Cheney '04 announced the appointment of a new Campaign Coordinator to the team. Beginning on September 1, 2004, Diane Fosse will now be assigned as President Bush's confidential advisor and trainer.
|
By Tweed
In a shocking turn of events, questioning both President Bush's fitness for the office he currently holds and the theory of evolution first propounded by Charles Darwin, President Bush appears to be reverting to a lower form of the human species. On the campaign trail, Bush has been exhibiting odd behavior, such as walking on all fours, referring to guns as "boom sticks" and eating like a pig.
The visual similarity between George Bush and our ape friends has been well documented.
Bush or Bobo the Monkey?
But Bush's current behavior appears to be a significant step toward reverting to some pre- homo sapien form of life, according to researches at Byram University Science and Human Species Understanding College, Kingston and Syracuse (BUSHSUCKS). Researchers at BUSHSUCKS note that the eating of raw food, the failure to grasp even moderately complex subjects and the failure to correctly use one's native language are the three distinct signs of such species regression.
The eating of raw food is a major concern to mental health professionals. They note President Bush not only eats raw food, but revels in it.
The president took a bite of one on the spot. "Oh yeah. You don't even have to cook it. It's really good," Bush declared.
Is This How It Works? Bush Losing Grip Of Basic Concepts
"We've been watching the President for some time," said Dr. I. duHattebusch, senior researcher at BUSHSUCKS. "But it is not until recently that we have witnessed all three of these characteristics in one man - or, if you will, one former man. He is a wonder of science, and I can't wait to dissect him to find out even more."
Scientists are calling this new species, Paleolithicus Georgian or Crawford Man. "It's ironic," noted Professor Tingelmann, from Texas State University. "In most places, Crawford Man would be a regression. Here, in Texas, it just may be a step forward on the evolutionary chain."
Bush Senses Another Dominant Male at a Campaign Stop
The BUSHSUCKS team have formally requested that President Bush be euthanized for purposes of scientific research. Vice President Cheney is heading up a task force to reach a decision. For his part, President Bush seemed up-beat about the findings: "Kerry - he just said that science is beliefs and he . . . he believes that when science . . . he . . . like, well he's, like, for science and it turns out its me - I'm like scientific."
A Distraught Bush Looks Out the Front Window of his Campaign Bus; Campaign Officials Have Refused to Keep a Window Open Because "It's a hassle to clean up the Presidential drool stains off the window."
Despite these concerns, Bush-Cheney '04 announced the appointment of a new Campaign Coordinator to the team. Beginning on September 1, 2004, Diane Fosse will now be assigned as President Bush's confidential advisor and trainer.
