Tuesday, August 31, 2004

By Stockton

In an ironic twist of fate, New York City, the Big Apple, The City that Never Sleeps, recently hosted the award winning All-Time, Most Boring Party Ever.

Meanwhile, at a fabulously elaborate General Motors-hosted brunch in Hastert's honor at Tavern on the Green, the Speaker tried to soothe frayed New York nerve-endings. "I like New York," he told me. "New York is a great city and I love to visit. And those folks did a great job with the money we got for them." PARTY PEOPLE: Talk about a power dinner. Rush Limbaugh, Peggy Noonan and Matt Drudge - Republican sympathizers all - hosted a glittering affair at Patsy's last night, headlined by Vice President Dick Cheney and wife Lynne, Gov. Pataki and wife Libby, Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) and the ubiquitous Mary Matalin (sans her Democratic firebrand husband, Ragin' Cajun James Carville). A restaurant source told me that a surprised guest was CNN anchor Daryn Kagan, who I hear is friendly with recently separated fellow broadcaster Limbaugh.

In related news, forty-nine of the fifty United States have announced a severe shortage of white, pasty-faced, middle aged men.


Update your tetanus shots because we're heading for the Rust Belt. This may be the most important region for Mistah Kerry. If he can carry the Gore states and Ohio, game over. If he can't carry Ohio he's still alive but if Wisconsin falls, he's deep in the doo-doo.

States: 6 - OH, IN, KY, IL, MI, WI
Bush 2000: KY, OH, IN
Gore 2000: MI, IL, WI
Counties: Who cares
Electoral Votes: 87 (in 1960 the region had 107 Electoral Votes)


Ohio, gate way to Indiana, Jewel of the Upper Midwest, a riddle wrapped in a tortilla. Ohio has never been Democratic territory, despite Clinton's '92 and '96 victory. Conversely, things are not generally out of reach for Democrats. It has always leaned Republican but, never like its neighbor to the west, Indiana.

After pulling ads weeks before the election, Gore still only lost by 3.5%, keeping Bush to under 50%. Poppa Bush soundly defeated Dukakis here by 11 points, 55% to 44%. Gore takes a lot of criticism from Democrats, some of it deserved. However, Gore's percentages in Ohio were better than Clinton's in '92. In 1996, Clinton bettered Gore's results by just 1%.

Also, Ohio Republicans are traditionalists - they like low taxes, but they hate deficits. This is a state where responsibility means a lot, and Bush's deficits play about as well in Cleveland as do the Kansas City Royals. And Ohioans (Ohians? Ohios?) are squeamish when it comes to legislating too much morality.

Finally, the economy has tanked in Ohio and if he runs a good campaign, Kerry can win here. Still, it is an uphill fight. The hill's not steep, but it exists. Let's hope Kerry does better than Pickett.

Indiana & Kentucky

Anyone who thinks Kerry will be competitive in these states should share whatever they're smoking. We'd like to have a few bags of that stuff. Indiana is simply a staunchly Republican state. It doesn't matter if it's a moderate type (relatively speaking) like Ford or a Reagan or Bush. The Republicans own Indiana. Gore received 41% in a close election. Dukakis received 39.6%. Even Clinton never approached a victory here. Forget it and move on. Factoid: Indiana may change its name to Native Americana.

Kentucky is also out of reach. Dukakis lost with 43.88% of the vote, carrying 36 counties. Gore lost with 41.37% of the votes, carrying 15 counties. Clinton won Kentucky twice, never with a majority of the vote and indeed, his margin went down in 1996. Kentucky is like a hanging curve ball to Barry Bonds - going, going, gone.

Illinois (pronounced Ill-E-Noy not Ill-E-Noise)

This is a state the Democrats should really study. Once a real toss-up, battleground, it now appears to be one of the most solid of Democratic states, almost overnight. It went Democratic in '60 and '64, fell to the Republicans from 1968-1988 and then went Democratic from 1992-2000. It appears poised to hand Kerry another Democratic victory without the candidate needing to break a sweat. Dukakis did better here than nationally, with 48.6% to Bush's 50.69%. Gore opened a can of Momma Whoop-Ass and defeated the Dauphin by 12% points. Gore's victory was even a slight improvement over Clinton's '96 trouncing of Dole.


Michigan should emerge as a solid Democratic state. Polls show it closer than one would expect but Kerry should open a solid lead well before the election. This is another state with a declining Republican vote. Dad won 53.5% in '88 with Dukakis taking 45.67%. Gore carried Michigan handily by a 5 point spread, 51% to 46%. In 1996, Clinton did marginally better than Gore. Bush is really fighting hard for Michigan and has pledged to reunite Michigan's Lower Peninsula with the Upper Peninsula by filling in Lake Michigan. Factoid: Michigan is an Algonquin word meaning 'land shaped like a mitten'.


Wisconsin is becoming increasingly worrisome for Democrats but the cause of the problem is yet to be defined. We believe it has something to do with increased cheese production in California. Dukakis actually won the state with 51% to Senior's 47.8%. Gore narrowly won, 47.83% to 47.63%.

What is the problem with such a staunchly progressive state? Is it trending right? Or did Nader undercut Gore's margin? Consider: the 2000 election in Wisconsin was extremely tight. However, Dubya only captured .03% more votes than Daddy. Nader garnered 3.62% of the vote in 2000. Is it a stretch to say that Gore would have taken at least half of Nader's vote, giving him a slightly more comfortable margin? We'll find out in November.


OH +2.46
IN +1.5 (irrelevant)
KY -2.5
IL + 12
MI + 6
WI - 4


What we have in the Industrial Midwest is a battleground region that isn't much of a battleground region. Kerry should easily take MI and IL, Bush IN, KY. That leaves two states, WI and OH that are the actual battleground. If it's a replay of 2000, the EC votes will be split 48 for Kerry, 39 Bush.

One last observation. We grow tired of the media repeating the misnomer that Democrats win the coasts and Republicans win the interior. Where the fuck are IL, MI, WI, IA, MN? Have they suddenly moved east or west? In 2000, Gore showed strength in just about every region. He massacred Bush in the Northeast, almost won (or won) Florida, split the Industrial Midwest (winning more Electoral College Votes than Bush in that region) showed some strength in NM and all but swept the Pacific Coast. That's a national party, baby.

Democrats or Republicans? We'll Know in November.


Once again, we bring you a special announcement from our government helping us ordinary citizens figure out what to do in the event we spot a terrorist. This week we're hearing from Andrew Card.

So what do you do when you spot a terrorist, Mr. Card?

"First, I gently nudge the President awake."

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

"Then, I work on my memoirs."

"He was the reincarnation of Churchill."

"And then, if I have time, I try to sneak away for a quick one with Karen Hughes."

Woooooe! Too much information there, Andy. (And we didn't even need a subpoena!)


Monday, August 30, 2004

By Stockton

Was Kerry in Cambodia? Was Swift Boat leader O'Niell? Controversy swirls around this all important election year issue. Now, through intrepid reporting, we may just have the answer.

LB in '04 has uncovered sensitive documents that finally cast much needed light on the doings of Senator Kerry and John O'Niell. And for supporters of Senator Kerry, much of the new found evidence is unflattering.

O'Neill arrives in Vietnam

Printed here, for the first time, are excerpts from John O'Niell's Vietnam diary.

Day one - Vietnam Hot and humid. Vietnam is very moist. Water skiing is cool though.

Day 101 - I've been reassigned to basecamp at Hung Reel Lo. I want a mission.

Day 102 - I wanted a mission and for my sins, Captain Thurlow gave me a mission.

Thurlow gives O'Neill mission

Day 103 - Heading north on Long Duc Dong River. Thurlow has explained my mission. One Lieutenant John Forbes Kerry has decided to go native, setting up his own kingdom in the Cambodian jungle.

Day 104 - Heading N by NW. My shipmates are eighteen year old rock-n-rollers with one foot in the grave. Still hot and moist.

O'Neill searhes for Mistah Kerry

Day 115 (last entry) - Found Kerry who was sacrificing a cow. He's completely bald and mumbling about snails and razors and nightmares. Called me an errand boy sent by grocery clerks. Still really hot

Lieutenant JF Kerry - Vietnam

Unfortunately, that is the last entry. It does not paint a would-be President in a very flattering light.

And in related news, more of Mr. O'Neill's crewmates have emerged to voice their opinion about John Kerry, all of whom believe he is unfit to be President.

O'Neill's crew back up his allegations.

By Stockton

The legislative and executive departments of the Christian Coalition are scheduled to meet in New York City from August 30 through September 2 in order to select their nominee for President. The average delegate will spend approximately $5,000 to attend (food, shelter, etc). However, the bulk of that $5,000 is earmarked for 'entertainment' while the delegates ally in Sodom. Not unlike the Dead Heads (fans of the Grateful Dead who followed the band from city to city) the Republicans have their own groupies that faithfully attend the conventions.

"It's a cash cow," says Cindy 'Flat Tax' Lowery, a massage therapist. "Democrats just want sex but these Republicans are really into some kinky things. One guy, I'll call him AGJA, likes me to strip just so he can cover me back up with sheets. Then he'll pretend to hold a press conference with me as the backdrop. He's weird and dull, but he pays. Well, most of the time."

'Flat Tax' Lowery ready for her client "AG J.A."

Then there's Mary "Abu Ghraib" Potter. She's trying to work her way through Podiatry school and hopes the Republican Convention will end up paying for an entire semester. "I find the Republicans to be much classier than the Democrats. It's like walking into a party with Gary Cooper on your arm."

Mary caters to a special class of Republican. "I only work with the richest 1% of the GOP. If they get relief, then relief might trickle down onto the rest of them."

Mary describes her best client as an older, distinguished gentleman who like to be scolded over Military Appropriations. "He's cute," says Mary. "When I spank him he always says, 'By Golly, I'm a bad boy'."

Mary with one of her classier Republican clients

Mary and Cindy also revealed that Republicans, almost to a man, enjoy seeing two women together.

Two women performing for Republican bigwigs

The biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats for Cindy and Mary: "Republicans have a much more firm resolve. "


Sunday, August 29, 2004


The Editors of Lickin' Bush in '04 are pleased to announce the unveiling of two new additions to the Stockton & Tweed Blog Family (a subsidiary of ConHugeCo.)

First, we are pleased to announce the Grand Opening of Stockton & Tweed's Family Friendly Juicy Sex Blog. We hope you enjoy.

Next, we are also pleased to announce the Grand Opening of Stockton & Tweed's How to Law School. This site was developed for all our friends that have entered law school or are seriously thinking about such an endeavor. It may also prove useful to people just entering practice. We hope you enjoy this lighthearted yet informative look at law school and the law.

These sites will not be updated on a daily basis. We will be updating them once or twice a week or whenever the spirit moves us. Now go Lick Bush! And hey, lets be careful out there.


Friday, August 27, 2004

By Stockton

As you all know by now, Friday at LB in '04 is dedicated to wingnuttery (actually, we just made this decision on Thursday). So here are some coherent comments from our rightwing friends from around the blogosphere.

From: Blogs for Bush (apparently a Pro-Bush site I discovered when surfing for porn).

The following post is off-topic(Forgive, Please)! However, you all need to watch the recorded clips of this upcoming Documentary. These are POW's who have a story to tell America. Let's help get the story out to the entire Web.
The TOTAL TRUTH about Hanoi John Kerry as told by POW's who suffered the Hell that resulted from his lies. Send it to every Military Veteran and every DECENT American you know.

Posted by
leaddog2 at August 26, 2004 05:20 PM

Yes, Leaddog2 (what happened to Leaddog1?), the POW's and VC sat around and closely monitored John Kerry's activities. I'm sure they just flipped on the old Magnovox and watched his Senate testimony. And are you really sure every DECENT American needs a copy? I mean, wouldn't a DECENT American already know that John Kerry is personally responsible for every act of brutality against POW's. John McCain certainly holds him responsible.

What concerns me is all this argument about history and who-was-where is taking attention away from the two main things: Kerry's betrayal in his 1971 Senate testimony, and his meeting with the Vietnamese communists in Paris.
Half of this country has forgotten the seriousness of having an enemy and meaning of the word enemy, which means half the country does not realize the seriousness of Kerry aiding the enemy.
Posted by
michael parker at August 26, 2004 06:46 PM

If half the....then the other half...picked a peck of pickled enemies then the country will.... Yikes, Michael. Someone forgot to wear their helmet when they rode the small bus to school.

I agree with you 100%. The Swift Vets are building up to this part in their campaign to make sure Kerry never becomes President.
What Kerry did AFTER Vietnam is far, far worse than any lies and exaggerations about his actual service.
No one who reads "Unfit for Command" can still vote for Kerry and claim they care about the United States. It's one or the other.
Posted by
KJC at August 26, 2004 07:09 PM

If half the people who read "Unfit for Command" cared about the United States, then the other half would care by reading "Unfit for Command" and .... Hey, didn't the number of people living under the poverty level just increase?

And someone said thoughtful, analytical political discourse was dead.


I are George Bush and I approve this message


Thursday, August 26, 2004

By Tweed

Evidence is mounting that kids are not learning basic economics at home. The most recent evidence comes from the famous first family.

"Now, Barb and me - tried our best to instill good values in our kids. Worked hard at it. Tried to spend lots of time. Message didn't always get through," said former President George H.W. Bush, referring to his son President George W. Bush. The elder Bush was referring to his inability to impress upon George Junior the costs of war, and specifically, war in Iraq.

"Told Junior, said listen son, lots of lives and lots of money - gonna extinguish some points of light. Lots of money," said the senior Bush.

"My daddy, like all great American Daddies was a great American Daddy for me and for all the people in this country to . . . for . . . who is was the Daddy for them. Good lessons I learned in his embrace on his knee-there. But, I'm no Al Gore and sometimes complicated things confuse me - which is why I surround myself with good people like Cheney," said the younger Bush.

George Senior also mentioned that George Junior had trouble playing nice and keeping his clothes on at sporting events.

President Bush has promised to work on his problem with balancing costs with resources.

By the way, during his run for Congress, Bush lied, saying he had served in the Air Force.

By Tweed

Yesterday, former Democratic Georgia Senator, Vietnam War veteran and triple amputee Max Cleland proved too elusive for a Texas state official. "He's one slippery sohmbitch," said Jerry Patterson, also a Vietnam Veteran. "He would not face me. He kept rolling away from me. He's quite mobile."*

Cleland was trying to personally deliver a letter signed by war veterans and Democratic Senators Daniel Inouye, Ernest Hollings, Tom Harkin, Jack Reed, Tom Carper, Jon Corzine and Frank Lautenberg (that's at least one Bronze Star and one Medal of Honor to Bush's Best Bar-Tending Citation - and we're just talking about Inouye) suggesting that Bush has a special duty to condemn the attacks on Kerry from the Swift Boat Bozos for Lunacy.

But the Chickenhawk made his point. He wanted to deliver a letter to Senator Kerry (one Bronze Star and one Silver Star to Bush's Smoothest Shave Award), which read, in part "you can't have it both ways. You can't build your convention and much of your campaign around your service in Vietnam, and then try to say that only those veterans who agree with you have a right to speak up,"* thus contradicting his prior condemnation of 527 advertising.

Cleland (Silver Star and Really Big Purple Heart to Bush's Best Pina Colada award) is quite mobile in his wheelchair, as is evidenced by his having scored 25 points and grabbed 11 boards for the New York Knicks in game two of the 1994 NBA championship series, subbing for an injured Charles Oakley. Nonetheless, it seems odd that Mr. Patterson could not deliver a letter to him.

In defense, Mr. Patterson made the following comment: "Tweren't fair. He had some souped-up gizmo type uh wheelchair that made him super quick."

Patterson Claims Cleland Operated This Special
Wheelchair to Avoid Receiving Bush's Letter

And by the way; Bush lied during his one run for Congress - claiming he had served in the Air Force.

* Actual quote.

By Stockton

An unamed Cuban woman, seeking asylum in the United States, shipped herself to Miami in a wooden crate.

Postal officials say she will be returned for inadequate postage.

By Stockton

John O'Neill, a leading figure in Swift Boat Commanders for Truth, has just dropped his latest bombshell. Not only did John Kerry not deserve his numerous combat medals, Mr. O'Neill claims that Senator Kerry was never in Vietnam.

"We have no documentary evidence," says O'Neill, "but we never do. What we have is fifty eye-witnesses that were in Vietnam from 1963 through 1965 and not one of those highly decorated men ever remembers John Kerry being there. You would think one of those men would remember this 'War Hero', wouldn't you?"

Mr. O'Neill never wavered in his allegations, even when the lack of actual evidence was mentioned. "That's just how diabolical this all is," said O'Neill. "John Kerry has systematically destroyed any physical evidence of his lack of valor. He has stolen original Pentagon records and replaced them with forged records. He even tried to have all those who served in Vietnam murdered, so we wouldn't spill the beans."

This new controversy will be the topic of every news show for the next two weeks.

In related news, Mr. O'Neill has a little trouble of his own. He is being sued by This Week host, George Stephanopolous. After Sunday's edition of This Week, Mr. O'Neill's hairpiece attacked Mr. Stephanopolous, causing minor injuries.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

By Tweed

In a campaign marked by the existence of groups such as Conservatives for Kerry, Republicans for Kerry and Firefighters for Kerry, George Bush has stepped up with his own boutique support group: Quislings for Bush.

Quislings for Bush includes such luminaries as Senator Zell Miller (D - Georgia), former Georgia Governor, Zell Miller (D), former Georgia Lte. Governor, Zell Miller (D) and former history professor, Zell Miller. The group does not boast a robust membership, but the RNC has decided on member Senator Zell Miller (D - Georgia) as the Republican Convention Keynote Speaker.

"I'm honored and flattered to be speaking at the 1968 Republican Convention," said Senator Miller, "and hope we can finally solve the pesky negro problem."

The Bush administration has pointed to support from the likes of Senator Miller as evidence of the bipartisanship he has been able to conjure in Washington. "I'm from Texas and Zellig, that's what I call him, Zellig, he's come from Georgian - not the Russian kind but the American kind. And he's part of the opposition and I'm not. And we say in Texas, and I think we say it in Georgia too, you know that the friends of my enemy of my friend is my friend's enemy's enemy - and we don't have any enemies, just opponents and he's not one of them."

Miller With Another Former Democrat

Miller says his goal is to make the Democratic Party (which has won a plurality of the popular vote and likely the Electoral College, every year since 1992) a national party once again.

"What you have," says Miller, "is a regional Democratic Party facing off with a National Republican Party." Miller notes the strength shown by the Republican Party in such diverse states as Alabama and Idaho as opposed to Democratic strength being limited to New England, the Northeast, the upper mid-west and the Pacific Coast.

Obituary Desk

According to the Associated Press, famed psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has passed away. She was 78 years old.

Ms. Kubler-Ross, author of the 1969 classic "On Death and Dying", was a pioneer in the field of grief and death psychology. Ms. Kubler-Ross was best known for her "five stages" of death:

1) Denial;
2) Anger;
3) Bargaining;
4) Depression;
5) Acceptance.

Ms. Kubler-Ross was born in Berne, Switzerland and died at her home in Scottsdale, Arizona.

UPDATE: Ms. Kubler-Ross just issued a press-release denying that she has died. The statement displayed anger uncharacteristic of the famed psychiatrist.

By Tweed

Demonstrating once again his skill at side-stepping the issue, President Bush yesterday called for the end of free speech during election season.

The Kerry campaign and Senator John McCain (R-AZ) have been calling on Bush to condemn the advertising of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth which puts forth spurious allegations about Senator Kerry's war record in Vietnam. Bush's statement falls in line with one of Bush's favorite tactics - letting someone else do the dirty work while trying to appear above the fray.

Mums the Word

Bush used this tactic quite well against Senator McCain during the 2000 primary, standing back while the same nut-jobs attacking Kerry accused McCain of abandoning Vietnam veterans and other vile acts.

In sharp contrast to Bush, Senator Kerry has condemned independent advertising calling into questions Bush's "service" during the Vietnam war.

Bush's position, that issue advertising should be put to an end, runs directly counter to the First Amendment's declaration that "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech."

Interestingly, not much has been made, during the time the Swifties have been making their slanderous charges, of the fact that George W. Bush effectively evaded combat using his family connections; and may not have even satisfied the minimum service required of him as a member of the Texas and then Alabama Air National Guard. The reason: Kerry has too much class to re-open old wounds. Vietnam is a scar; and Kerry, who fought in the war and against it, knows all too well that opening that wound will do no good for the country.

The Closest W. Ever Came To Combat


Drop yer linen and start a-grinnin; 'cause Colonel Stockton and Colonel Tweed are about to take you away to Dixie land - the land that will rise again. Lock and load and get ready for the red-shift as we enter . . .

The South

States: 10 VA, NC, SC, GA, FL, AL, MS, LA, AR, TN, TX
Gore: FL (well, sort of)
Bush: VA, NC, SC, GA, AL, MS, LA, AR, TN, TX & FL (well, sort of)
Electoral Votes: 153
Counties: darn near fah huhred, we reckon, with a parish or two thrown in for good measure
Projection: Bush sweep (almost)

Who can forget those crazy confederates - what with their talk of seccession and all? The instigators of the War of Northern Agression used to be virulently anti-republican. How could any self-respecting southerner vote for the party that freed the slaves!?! FDR won over 98% of the vote in South Carolina in 1932. But then the democratic party took up the cause of civil rights, Strom Thurmond took up the cause of "state's rights," Wallace went all nutty, Nixon swooped in and Reagan sealed the deal. No democrat has won the heart of the Confederacy since 1956, except for that Georgian peanut farmer. Clinton did a good job, but at its core, the land of Dixie is as red as the blood of the men of Pickets division.

Virginia and North Carolina

With the exception of Florida and Arkansas, these may be the Confederate states of the lightest shade of red. But don't get your hopes up too much. The last time VA went Democrat, it voted for LBJ, and while NC supported Carter in 76', it abandoned him in 80'. Gore managed just over 44% in VA and just over 43% in NC, a step up from Dukakas' 39% and 41% twelve years earlier. While VA has generally seen increases in the percentage of the vote going democratic over the past 20 years, NC has not.

Virginia democrats are making a comeback, thanks to Tweed. Gov. Mark Warner easily won election in 2001 with a pledge of fiscal conservativism and social moderation. Virginians, unlike their planter class forefathers, generally like fiscal conservativism, but no longer own slaves. And the anti-tax message has been wearing thin with many Virginians, as basic government services have been cut to support massive tax cuts. In addition, many polls are putting VA in the toss-up or barely Bush column, and Kerry is spending money and time there. Does this mean its going Kerry? Probably not. But it could be the first indication of gradual errosion in republican dominance. There is a tinge of purple in this red state. Factoid: Virginia's relationship with Kentucky and Tennessee has always been strained because the sharp, western portion of Virgina keeps poking into Kentucky and the Volunteer State.

South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi

This swath of the South is Maroon. Deep, dark, blood red. We're not even sure if the Democratic Party is legal in many of these states.

South Carolina hasn't voted Democratic since Henry II elevated Thomas Becket to Archbishop of Canterbury. Papa Bush defeated Dukakis with 61.5% of the vote. Dukakis carried 12 counties. Gore did marginally better with 40.9%. With tensions heating up in the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Carolina, it's hard to see Kerry getting over 40-42% here.

Georgia has 5,176 counties. We counted them. In '88, Papa Bush won with 59.75% to Dukakis' 39.5%. Dukakis only received 39.5% more of the vote than I did and I wasn't even running. Again, Gore did marginally better, capturing 42.9% to the Dauphin's 54.6%. Even if Kerry can improve a point or two on Gore, it's still a landslide. Too bad. Georgia is a huge disappointment. LB in '04 once had high hopes for the Empire State of the South: Jimmy Carter, Sam Nunn, Max Cleland. Such promise. On the bright side, Dukakis carried 24 counties and Gore was able to raise that tally to 34. The movement is slight, and in the right direction, but it is painstakingly slow.

Alabama and Mississippi squat in the heart of Dixie like two drunk rednecks taking a dump in the woods. They are redder than red. Dad won these with 59% to 39% for the Massachusetts Titan. Bush the Lesser did about the same, with 56% and 57% respectively. Gore improved over Dukakis in each state by approximately.....1%. Does anyone remember those heady days when Deaniacs proclaimed AL and MS were 'in play'?

Some have said that if the African American population voted these states would be solidly democratic. And it is true that there are staunchly democratic counties in these bastions of rightwingery. All that being said, we doubt these states will turn anytime that could conceivably be dubbed as "soon." Georgia is, arguably, an exception. Atlanta boasts of being the new south and it is more progressive than many other southern cities. But Georgia's flirtation with reason (1992), seems to have been short-lived. We're rooting for our friends down there, but don't expect anything close to victory in November.


Florida dangles from the United States like John Holmes after a money shot. A fast growing state, Florida is one of the two most important battleground states. Florida's mixture of good old boys, retirees, military personel, Cubans (people, not cigars), professionals and high-tech workers makes it unique. The younger Bush the Younger won reelection here pretty easily, but his heavy-handed tactics to suppress minority voting have the democrats primed and ready to go. Sadly, the voting process in Florida is about as reliable as a 1975 Chevy Vega. If the election comes down to Florida, and Florida comes down to a few hundred votes, don't expect the lawsuits to be simply about recounts. Instead, expect accusations of voter fraud on both sides, and world-wide laughing as we show banana republics how it should be done. In Florida lies the potential to destroy the fragile faith Americans have in their democracy. If it comes down to Florida, its bad for the country.


Texas is big and full of rednecks, oil, barbecue and scorpians. It is also home to Tom Delay. Bush wins in a landslide here. Factoid: Texas leads the world in selling 'Don't Mess with Texes' T-Shirts and bumperstickers.

Arkansas, Tennessee and Louisiana

Arkansas holds a faint glimmer of hope. In '88, Bush won with 56%. His son could only muster 51%. Gore improved over Dukakis by 3.8% points. Dukakis carried 23 counties, Gore 32 counties. Still, there is a 5 point spread between George and Al that Kerry probably won't overcome.

Tennessee wouldn't vote to put a Tennessean in the White House. It did give the 2000 Democratic nominee 47%. An improvement over '88 when Dukakis got 41.5% Still, it's hard to see a Massachusetts Senator doing better than a Vice-President from Tennessee. On the other hand, some have said that bastions of democratic voters did not vote in 2000 because there were no local elections getting them out the door. This seems odd to us.

The '88 and 2000 vote in Louisiana (pronounced Lee-Zee-Ana or Lewis and Anna or Wheesey-Ana) was a wash. The Republican vote went down by about 2% and the Democratic vote remained at 44%. Too bad. Clinton took the state both times and in '96, by a majority of the vote.


While there may be glimmers of change in some of the south, overall it is a reliably red portion of the country (except for Florida). If Bush falters (unlikely), Kerry turns into the reincarnation of JFK (unlikely), the economy does not pick up or the war does not stabilize, Kerry could pick up Virginia, Arkansas and Tennessee in addition to Florida. Don't expect it. Still, no region of the country should be completely written-off by any candidate. Time and money spent here by Bush is time and money not spent in Ohio and Missouri.


With the election just seventy-three days away and polls and analysts predicting a close race, the Bush and Kerry Campaigns are focusing on every last vote. In recent days the campaigns have turned their attention to the 'swing' voter.

"The 'swing' voter group can be broken into two sub-categories," says Harvard Proefessor H. James Butterfield. "Those inclined towards music and the others inclined towards....well....uhm."

Do these Hep Cats hold the key to the 2000 election?

"The key to the music subgroup," says Butterfield, "is to get them while they're taking a brake. They're lively and always stomping to some Basie or Goodman riff. Campaigns would do best to send their workers into Soda and Malt shops. That's where these crazy kids tend to go after a night of swinging. And send someone who knows the difference between Coltrane and Rollins for godsake."

The other swing subgroup is a bit more difficult to reach. A very special campaign organizer needs to be found to reach these potential voters.

Do these swing voters hold the key to victory?

"It's difficult to get this group dressed and to their polling place," says Butterfield. "But, if you can do it, they'll always bring a friend or two along with them when they go to vote."


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

By Stockton

The son of Republican Congressman John Sweeney (NY), in a warm display of family values, helped to put a man in the hospital.

Congressman's son faces felony charges
Stillwater -- He, another man are arrested after fight in which man is critically injured

ANNE MILLER, Staff writer First published: Sunday, August 22, 2004

Two young men, including the son of U.S. Rep. John Sweeney, R-Clifton Park, face felony assault charges after a group fight that landed a Stillwater resident in a Troy hospital with critical injuries.

Some may remember Sweeney as one of the thugs sent to Florida by the Republicans to monitor (read intimidate) election officials in the Florida Recount.

By Stockton

Rarely is the question asked: "How would God vote in the 2004 Presidential Election."

Dan Witherspoon, 25
Bloomingdale, IL

"Isn't he dead?"

Helen Grundige, 87
Mobile, AL

"Twice for Bush, to keep that godless, queer-loving, cock-sucking socialist bastard Kerry out of the White Hosue, praise Jesus."

Patil Suprabrahimianian, 52
Chicago, IL

"By absentee ballot."

Jim Johnson, 28
Between Jobs
Youngstown, OH

"He's Israeli, isn't he? I think that's illegal."

H. James Dingle
Insurance Executive
Baton Rouge, LA

"He should give his medals back."

Special News Bulletin

To Citizens of the United States. Please be advised we are now on Medium High to Medium Rare Alert due to reports of a possible incident this coming weekend. Though an incident may occur, it may not necessarily be a terrorist incident. It may be an incident of a different type. Citizens are warned to be vigilant while in the presence of any possible incident and to report any possible incident to our newly formed National Incident Bureau (NIB). 1-800-ISAWYOU.

This advisory should not be interpreted to mean that there will be an incident this weekend, only that a high likelihood of incidental behavior has been reported. For your information, incidents occur when one or more persons gather to "do" something. If you witness this behavior, usually performed by humans, leave the area immediately and seek shelter. Enjoy your weekend and please, go about your normal behavior.

By Stockton

The Associated Press recently ran this headline and story.

Explanation Sought for Lobster Decline

On the same day, they run this headline and story.

Woman Chows 38 Lobsters in Eating Contest
That's a lot of tail in one day.


Monday, August 23, 2004

By Stockton

Rarely is the question asked, "Did George Bush rape a woman and have her killed?"

No one knows the answer and no one will. We offer no opinion but here's an interesting little story that barely saw the light of day.

Note: The editors condemn this story. We have asked ourselves to stop running it but we refuse to pull it from this blog.


It takes a lot of preparation. It takes a lot of time and careful planning. Details are important and must not be overlooked.

Boots must be shined

Clothes must be pressed

Banners are unfurled.

Speeches are rehearsed

Participants begin to arrive

Excitement fills the air

Another Republican Convention is almost here!

But not all are exuberant

By Stockton

After the Bush-Cheney campaign vociferously denied any connection between the Bush campaign and the Swift Boat Commanders for Truth, a Bush campaign workers resigned today because, "it was learned that he appeared in an anti-John Kerry ad sponsored by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."

"We basically lied," said Bush spokesperson James Goebbels. "We've found that we can lie and say anything we want and no one calls us on it. It's pretty funny when you think about it. Besides, what else are we going to run on? Our record? Right. That'll work."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was showed less aplomb. "It depends on the meaning of 'connection'," he told a reporter. "Sure, if you define connection as someone working for us and for the Swift Boat Commanders, if you're going that far with the term, then yes, there is a connectitudiness about it."

President Bush refused to condemn the Swift Boat ads and denied even knowing what a swift boat was. "Is it one of those cigarette boats? Like Daddy has? I've never seen one. I didn't even know about these swift boat guys and I say what I mean and mean what I say 'cause I have integration."


Sunday, August 22, 2004

By Tweed

In a stunning act of betrayal, the New York Times has slammed this website as "mildly funny at best and plain old stupid at worst," and Wonkette has said that our humor is no good. Here's the story.


The NYT pointed to such luminaries as Will Ferrell and John Stewart as being able to come up with actually funny things to say about George Bush.

I Don't Even Think They're Real

Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me! If all I had to do was wear a flight suit and pretend I was from Texas (i.e. act stupid) to get good reviews in the NYT I'd have been doing it for months. Oh, yeah, and because I can't afford a nice set and airtime on Comedy Central and actual technical know-how to carry on fake conversations with the President I'm not funny? What, I gotta have money to be funny?!? I'm a huge fan of the NYT - I have all their albums! This is a stunning act of betrayal - worse than Paul O'Niel.

OK, That Was Pretty Funny

We at LB in 04' take pride in very little. But we like to think of ourselves as a little better than "mildly funny." Well. . . OK . . . sometimes we're better than mildly funny. OK, OK, OK - mildly funny is our goal. But the point is, at least the damn paper could have referred to us by name!


In the spirit of non partisanship, LB in '04 would like to honor the GOP as the convention draws near. Our politics has degenerated into blind partisanship, name calling and juvenile behavior on a grand scale. The Rhetoric has been notched-up to an ear-piercing decibel. In an effort to heal some wounds and offer an olive branch to our well-meaning brethren, LB in '04 will be offering a special and limited service throughout the Republican National Convention. The following is a statement by the Bush-Cheney Camp.

Statement by Bush-Cheney '04

ARLINGTON, VA -- "Colonel Ken Cordier is an American hero who spent over six years in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Col. Cordier was a supporter of the President during the 2000 election and served as a member of the President's veterans' steering committee during this election. Col. Cordier did not inform the campaign of his involvement in the advertisement being run by a 527 organization. Because of his involvement with this 527, Col. Cordier will no longer participate as a volunteer for Bush-Cheney '04, unlike Harold Ickes who is leading two prominent 527s and remains an executive committee member of the Democratic National Committee."

As students of political oratory know, political speeches are filled with nuance and turns of phrase best captured in the original vernacular. We felt it would be a service not only to our readers but to Republicans, if they could read Bush-Cheney pronouncements in the original format:

Aussage durch Busch Cheney '04

ARLINGTON, VA -- "Oberst Horizont Cordier ist ein Amerikanisch Held, der über sechs Jahren in einem Nördlich Vietnamesisch Gefangenenlager ausgegeben hat. Col. Cordier war eine Stütze vom Präsidenten während der der Wahl von 2000 und hat als einem Mitglied vom Veteranenlenkungsausschuß des Präsidenten während dieser Wahl gedient. Col. Cordier hat nicht informiert, daß die Kampagne von seiner Beteiligung in der Anzeige von einer 527 Organisation gelaufen wird. Wegen seiner Beteiligung mit diesen 527 Col. Cordier Wille nicht mehr teilnehmen als ein Freiwilliger für Busch Cheney '04, ungleich Harold Ickes, die führen zwei auffallend 527s und ein Geschäftsführendvorstandmitglied vom Demokratischen Nationalen Komitee bleibt".

Therefore, throughout the Republican Convention, a sampling of Convention speeches will be translated into the original German. We hope our olive branch is accepted in the spirit in which it is offered.


Saturday, August 21, 2004


Beginning on Monday, August 23, 2004, all those wishing to visit Lickin' Bush in '04 will be reguired to sign a loyalty oath. This decision was arrived at after careful thought and due deliberation. LB in '04 has realized that any form of dissent, any deviation from the opinions stated here, radically upsets our own preconceived view of the world. That is something we cannot allow to happen. If you wish to visit this site, please sign the following oath:

I do solemnly swear that I am dedicated to lickin' bush in '04. That I will, to the best of my ability, do everything in my power to lick bush. That I will go to the polls on November 2, 2004 and cast a vote for lickin' bush. That I will bring a friend to help lick bush. That from today, until November 3, 2004, I will think of nothing else other than lickin' bush. That I will convince my spouse or significant other, my mother and father, my granparents, to lick bush. So help me God.

Name & Address

Sworn to me this ___ Day of _____, 2004
A Notary Public of the State of ___


Friday, August 20, 2004

By Stockton

A new '527' group calling itself Retards for Truth will be joining the ad wars next week. The group claims to have evidence that President Bush's mental retardation was self-inflicted.

"We're sick and tired of the President campaigning as if he were born retarded," said the group's founder, Emil Torgenson. "We were borned this way and can't help it."

Retards for Truth decries Bush's attitude of reveling in ignorance and the President's complete lack of intellectual curiosity.

"If I were borned into a rich family and had all those opportunities, I wouldn't be proud of acting retarded," said one member of RFT. "He wears his retardation like a badge of honor. We have no choice but to live with it."

The group claims to have evidence that Bush, early in his life, showed signs of light to moderate brain functioning. After receiving a B+ on a test, Bush was ridiculed by his Texas school chums. Vowing to never be out-retarded again, Bush continuously banged his head against a brick wall until he passed out. When he awoke three weeks later, his New Englandiness was completely gone and the future President was a proud Texan.

The Bush campaign laughed at the allegation. "If anyone was born retarded," said campaign spokesman Michael Dowd, "it was this Commander-in-Chief."

Was this vacant gaze 'self-inflicted'?

By Tweed

President Bush's efforts to entice the support of Catholic voters was dealt a set-back today when the head of his outreach effort resigned amid allegations of sexual misconduct. Deal Hudson, publisher of Crisis magazine, has been accused of sexual improprieties while a professor at Fordham University.

Mr. Hudson's involvement with a student at Fordham is old news; but the story exploded today when it was revealed that the sexual encounter was with an adult woman and not a pre-pubescent boy.

"We are shocked that Mr. Hudson's behavior was with a woman - and one old enough to legally offer her consent," said Braxton Hughes, a Bush campaign spokesman. "Now we have to smooth over our relations with church officials. This could take years to rectify."

The Catholic Church expressed great concern over the insensitivity shown by Mr. Hudson and the Bush campaign. "We knew of Mr. Hudson's past," said Cardinal O'Grady, spokesman for the Vatican, "but we naturally assumed his sexual daliances were more...unorthodox. But this revelation is very disturbing."

Cardinal O'Grady: "Hudson should focus his
sexual energies in the right place."

Supporters of Bush, but not the campaign itself, began circulating photographs of Mr. Hudson in the presence of small boys, naked and handcuffed. But these pictures were quickly determined to be hoaxes.

By Stockton

Giving new meaning to the phrase 'May it Please the Court', an Oklahoma Judge has resigned from the bench.

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. (Reuters) - An Oklahoma judge facing removal over charges that he masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections under his robes during trials said on Wednesday he would retire from the bench.

Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, wrote to Oklahoma Gov. Brad Henry resigning effective Sept. 1, a move that will allow him to retire with a full pension.
A former state representative and a judge for 22 years, Thompson was accused by state Attorney General Drew Edmondson of using a "penis pump" to enhance erections during trials and exposing himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench.

"I have greatly enjoyed my public service and offer my gratitude for the public trust reposed in me during the terms I served," he said.
Thompson's attorney, Roy "Balls" McCracken denounced the charges facing his client. "Being a judge is a hard, stressful job. My client just wanted to blow off a little steam. The charges are preposterous, discriminating and intimidating. Nothing in the Code of Judicial Conduct or the Oklahoma Trial Court Rules mandate that a judge must remain flaccid during a trial."

Thompson called the situation, "a stroke of bad luck."

If the charges are founded, Thompson will appeal.

"Overruled, Madam Prosecutor!"
Thompson's attorney plots strategy


Thursday, August 19, 2004

By Tweed

This is beginning to feel like Wagner - leit motifs are recurring with great frequency, just occuring with slightly different instrumentation. Yes, yet another Swift Boat douche bag is facing the contradictions of his own making.

This time, Larry Thurlow, an oil company executive and former swift boat commander, is looking like a bigger idiot than he already actually is. Turns out that Thurlow received a Bronze Star for his actions during the same encounter during which Kerry's actions resulted in his receiving a Bronze Star - when he pulled a special forces guy out of the drink while being fired upon (and while wounded).

Thurlow's been saying that Kerry was never under fire - he was there and he saw it all happen. But the after-action report describing the events leading to Kerry and Thurlow receiving their Bronze Stars (Thurlow turned his boat around to help a damaged swift boat - under fire), noted that all the ships were under fire.

Lte. JG Thurlow Before and After a Recent Press Conference

Here's the best part - Thurlow was the senior skipper of the swift boats in action that day, and custom dictates that he prepare the after-action report (of course, he now claims Kerry drafted the report). Oh yeah, Thurlow now says also that if his Bronze Star was awarded on the basis of his being under fire, he would think it fraudulently given and return it. Which leads this writer to wonder why he would not have thought it fraudulently given back then - is the Navy in the habit of giving Bronze Stars to people for bravely turning their boats around, not under fire, and helping another ship, not under fire? Don't get me wrong, what he did may have been brave, but Bronze Star worthy? Did he actually believe, at the time, that he received his Bronze Star for that?

Of course, the current claims of Thurlow and friends is roundly contradicted by every man who was on Kerry's boat and the guy Kerry saved.

Sounds like a big pile of

By Stockton

The United States and the world breathed a huge sigh of relief when the news broke. Paris Hilton and her Chihuahua have been reunited. The drama came to an end yesterday when Tinkerbell was returned to her loving owner, world-famous skank, Paris Hilton.

Tinkerbell disappeared last Wednesday, only to mysteriously reappear one week later.

Paris Hilton, seen here, has been reunited with Tinkerbell

Rumors abound as to what had happened to Tinkerbell. One unconfirmed report indicates that Tinkerbell may not have been lost but instead had runaway from the dignity-challenged Ms. Hilton. Lawyers for Tinkerbell will be issuing a statement later in the week.

Whether or not Tinkerbell was lost or a runaway, the outpouring of support was genuine. Thousands gathered outside St. Peter's Basilica to pray for Tinkerbell's safe return.

Lawyers say Tinkerbell, "Touched," by the support shown in her darkest hour

Reservations to stay in Paris Hilton can be made here. Please be advised that every available space in Paris Hilton is jam-packed through the early part of 2005.

By Stockton

In a daring daylight heist, an unidentified man made off with Florida's 2004 Presidential election returns. Governor Jeb Bush is outraged.

"We worked long and hard on those returns," said the governor. "It took weeks to make them look genuine and now we'll have to start all over again." Governor Bush is calling a special meeting of the Republican State Committee to begin drafting new 2004 election returns.

"It's really a blow to the Republicans," said Judy Myers, a party spokeswoman. "President Bush had defeated Senator Kerry by 30,000 votes. We made sure it was a decent margin, but not unrealistic. Now it's back to the drawing board."

Based on eye-witnesses, State Police have created a computerized image of the possible perpetrator. The man is not a suspect but police have described him as a 'Person of Interest'.

A person of interest in the theft


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

By Stockton

In a continuing effort to promote his compassionate side, and preventive healthcare, President Bush has ordered that all high-ranking staff members undergo complete and thorough health screenings, including, but not limited to tests for prostate and colon cancer. The President himself will be administering the cancer screenings to his closest advisors.

President Bush making sure Karl Rove has a clean colon.


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