LICKIN BUSH IN'04 "WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAMS"

ALMOST TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE!
Editors

As the old year closes and the new year draws near....blah, blah, blah...LB in '04 will be signing off, for good. We tried to Lick a lot of Bush the past eight months, but that wasn't what America wanted.

Look for Stockton & Tweed's latest venture in the next week or so. If you liked LB in '04, you'll love the new stuff. It will still be that familiar, lowest common denominator, immature and inane blog that you've grown to love and admire. Updates will not be as frequent, maybe twice a week or so, but you'll have plenty to amuse yourself with at the new place.

We're keeping LB in '04 open for visitors. Feel free to come in and browse, remembering the good old days, before the darkness fell, again. Just shut the lights off and lock the door before you leave.

In the meantime, the LB in '04 Christmas Party was a huge success.


The interns enjoyed themselves


So did Stockton


Tweed made the decorations


And Tweed got all gussied up!

BUSH AVOIDS DEBATE
By Tweed

In a move demonstrating that the White House has not given up its near death-grip on every possible facet of how it operates, President Bush yesterday side-stepped another debate:

"Now, the temptation is going to be, by well-meaning people such as yourself and others here, as we run up to the issue, to get me to negotiate with myself in public," Bush told the questioner on Monday. "To say, you know, "What's this mean, Mr. President? What's that mean?

"I'm not going to do that. I don't get to write the law. I'll propose a solution at the appropriate time," Bush said.

Asked to explain one facet of his Social Security policy, Bush agreed but said, "I will try to explain how without negotiating with myself. It's a very tricky way to get me to play my cards. I understand that."

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card tried to down-play the dodge, noting that "the President did not say that he would never negotiate with himself. He just made clear that he wasn't going to . . . well. . . think about the issue in any great detail."

Bush, After Being Informed that He Actually Could Write the Law if He Wanted to

MR. SNOW-JOB
By Tweed

From the New York Times:

Senior Republicans sounded out Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve, about taking over from John Snow as US Treasury secretary, the Financial Times has learned. The informal approach, which would have put the most respected economic leader in the US in charge of President George W Bush's ambitious second-term domestic agenda, was declined.

The administration's plans to overhaul Social Security and reform the tax system face a stern challenge on Capitol Hill and scepticism in some quarters on Wall Street.

Just days after the Washington DC rumor mill was echoing with the sounds of John Snow's departure, his position now seems secure. The reason: no one seems to want his job. The administration had reached out to a number of other candidates as well, including Claude Pepper, a partner in the accounting firm of Coleman, Taylor and Pepper, P.C., of Scranton Pennsylvania. Mr. Pepper, a lifelong republican, said he received the call from Andy Card two weeks ago. "I was honored to receive a call from the President's Chief of Staff. But my daughter just started med school, and I couldn't afford to keep my cabin in the Poconos if I left my practice."

Karl Heierman, a bookkeeper in Cleveland, Missouri, also received the call. "I told Mr. Card I didn't feel qualified. But Mr. Card said he thought I had what it takes to do the job. Unfortunately, I'm washing my hair that day, so I can't take the job."

"Let's look at it this way," said one Republican insider, "China holds half a trillion dollars and could dump them whenever, however it wants; we have larger trade deficits and budget deficits than we've ever had; we have more off-the-books spending in Iraq and Afghanastan; and the President wants to make his tax cuts permanent and privatize social security."

"We've had to resort to some unusual methods of getting candidates in the door," he concluded.


Candidate for Sec. of the Treasury
Being "Escorted" to the White House

SYCOPHANTS RECEIVE MEDAL OF FREEDOM
By Tweed

Yesterday, President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to two of his administration's former top sycophants and one of the only retired top generals to support his re-election bid: contender for Chief White House Tool, L. Paul Bremer; War Justifier in Chief, George Tenet; and General Tommy Franks.


Tenet, Bremer and Franks Immediately Prior to Accepting Their Medals

President Bush delivered a carefully worded endorsement of each and refused to ask questions as to why he chose these three. Others in the administration shed some light on the decision. "We felt that Bremer and Tenet really helped out the President," said an administration official on the condition of annonymity. "They did such a piss-poor job that they really made the President look good. And we were afraid Franks would beat-up someone if he didn't get it."

Other people on the short list were John O'Neill, Zell Miller and Dick Cheney.

LB in '04 NOMINATED BY BLUE GRASS ROOTS
Editors

LB in '04 would like to thank Ben over at Blue Grass Roots (an excellent blog for national and Kentucky politics) for nominating LB in '04 for a Koufax Award. Our sense of humility prevents us from stating the obvious: clearly, we are the funniest political blog around. However, we will not point that fact (we are funnier than anyone else) out.

Nor will we whore for votes. We will not ask our readers and friends to go here to second the nomination. Or here to vote. In fact, don't even go here.

Thanks Ben. A good guy from a good blog.

Finally, a personal note from Stockton. I turned away from organized religion many years ago. I have never found a house of worship, or a faith, that made me feel comfortable, at home relaxed and joyous. However, I've recently found a church where I can worship consistent with my values and the values of LB in '04. Readers. Jesus is Lord!

Stockton's new home

KERIK HAS NANNY PROBLEMS
By Stockton

Nanny Problem' Forces Kerik to Withdraw
By KATHERINE PFLEGER SHRADER, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - Bernard Kerik apologized to President Bush on Saturday after questions about the immigration status of a housekeeper-nanny he employed led the former New York City police commissioner to withdraw his nomination as homeland security chief.

"I owe the president an enormous amount of gratitude for this consideration. I owe him a great apology that this may have caused him and his administration a big distraction," Kerik said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press from his home in Franklin Lakes, N.J.

Kerik's Nanny derails Cabinet appointment

Kerik has retained a new employee who will watch his children and take care of the residence. "This time we've checked his immigration status and everything is in order. He even speaks English."

The new Nanny and the Kerik children

US STUDENTS MIXED SHOWING
By Tweed

The nation's 15-year-olds make a poor showing on a newly released international
test of practical math applications, ranking 24th out of 29 industrialized nations, behind South Korea, Japan and most of Europe. U.S. students' scores were comparable to those in Poland, Hungary and Spain.

But the news is not all that bad, according to Secretary of Education Rod Paige and other education experts. "We may not have the best adders and subtractionaters," said Luke Darnham, an education expert in Alabama, "but we'all got the best bible readers there is."

Darnham pointed to a number of studies indicating that US students know much more about the bible than students in other countries. "Hell," said Darnham, "I bet them limp wristed Frenchies don't even know that Shobach was the leader of the army of Hadadezer and was killed by David's army, or that Dedan was both the son of Raamah and the name of a country that bordered Edom - shoot; and any ole' felah down here-ways knows that - and that's history and what-not!"

Darnham's claims seem to be supported by an LB in 04' independent study which revealed that Europeans are particularly behind the times when it comes to biblical studies. We found that no European could trace the geneology of Jaddua to Eliashib - let alone all the way back to Jeshua, famed companion of Nehemiah.

Clearly, the Europeans have a long road to travel.

THE GODLY MISFIRE
By Tweed

A blast of Godly condemnation went awry Monday, missing its intended target and destroying one of His own houses of worship:

CINCINNATI - The walls of a church fell about 90 minutes after the last of Sunday's worshippers left, causing the roof to drop onto the pews and pulpit, officials said.

Pastor Carl McMullen and his family were the last to leave the Zion Hill Baptist Church at 1:40 p.m. Sunday and got the call about the collapse an hour and a half later. About 50 people had attended Sunday's service.

"Lord, have mercy — can you believe it?" said the pastor's wife, Debra McMullen. "It's just a blessing that no one was inside." (AP)

"We believe that God was aiming for the Planned Parenthood and Baby Killing Clinic around the corner," said Garrett Barnes, a lucky worshipper. "I guess something went wrong."

St. Albert the Great, patron saint of Cincinnati, could not be reached for comment, but St. Bernadine of Siena, patron saint of public relations, and St. Barbara, patron saint of artillery, ammunition magazines and fire, gave a joint press conference shortly after the incident. "We can neither confirm nor deny that the Church was destroyed by a Holy shot," said St. Bernadine. "We are looking into it."


St. Bernadine Preparing for
the Press Conference

"You have to understand," added St. Barbara, "that a Holy shot is a complicated task, requiring the right planning, timing and holy spirit. If any one thing goes wrong - who knows; maybe a hurricane, volcanic eruption."


St. Barbara, Sword in Hand

Neither St. Bernadine nor St. Barbara would speculate on what may have gone wrong, stating only that Heaven was "looking at all possibilities."

This last apparent misfire from the Lord has raised some concerns and renewed speculation that the United States is being punished, as some evangelicals have proclaimed. Some question the timing of such events as the Mount St. Helen's explosion, the three hurricanes that hit Florida this year and the proliferation of reality TV shows. "God is punishing us," said one worshipper in Cincinnati, "and I'm not sure for what. But I'm letting the Big Guy know the next time I pray that I voted for Kerry."


Kerry at Church Unaffected by Godly Wrath

SAUDI NATIONALS ATTACK AMERICAN SOIL
By Stockton

In a brazen display, Saudi Nationals attacked the American Consulate in Jiddah, Saudi Arabia. American consulates, like embassies, are United States soil so the attack was not on a diplomatic facility, but against America itself.

According to sources, the Saudi Government is anxiously awaiting President Bush's response to this declaration of war. "He attacked Iraq and Iraq never attacked the United States," said Prince Awah Fatwah I'bn Saud. "I tremble thinking about what he might do to us. After all, Saudi's have actually attacked American soil."

The Saudi Government blames the attack on "deviant" groups that are not representative of a majority of Saudi's. "Yes," said Prince Minniehaha, "deviant groups. Maybe...I don't know....Rotarians or Gay Scout Masters or the Elks Club."

The Bush Doctrine, which makes no distinction between terrorist groups and countries that harbor terrorists, may bode ill for Somalia, according to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "The Saudi attack on our consulate is further evidence that Somalia poses an imminent threat to the United States of America. Or maybe it's Oman. It's a confusing doctrine."

Possible mastermind of the Deviants behind Consulate attack

TEAM CHRIST HAS BAD SEASON?
By Stockton

AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Colo. - The Air Force Academy's longtime football coach has agreed to remove a Christian banner from the team's locker room after school administrators announced they would do more to fight religious intolerance.

Coach Fisher DeBerry agreed Friday to remove the banner, which displayed the "Competitor's Creed," including the lines "I am a Christian first and last ... I am a member of Team Jesus Christ."
DeBerry put the banner up Wednesday to encourage the team, which has experienced one of its worst seasons in recent years, academy spokesman Lt. Col. Laurent Fox said.

Sophomore Benjamin Steinberg was outraged. "It's so typical," said the angry cadet and Team Christ Running Back. "Those goody-two shoes, liberal Air Force administrators want to drive Jesus out of our school. They want to kill Christ. Trust me, they don't want that on their hands."

The banner, which was displayed in the new Mel Gibson locker room, was a favorite with most team members.

Third String Kicker, Abdu Harrashmian Patel, found solice in the banner. "We've been getting our asses kicked lately," said the senior. "Better Team Christ than Team Vishnu."

DeBerry, who placed the 'Non-denominational' banner in the locker room, has replaced it with a new, more encouraging banner. "START WINNING OR WE'RE SHIPPING YOUR ASSES TO IRAQ!"

The Jesus banner will not go to waste. "We've found the banner a very nice home," said DeBerry, refusing to give any more details.

MORE TROOPS TO IRAQ MEANS NEW RECRUITMENT TACTICS
By Tweed

Increased troop levels in Iraq have seriously depleted the military resources. The back-door draft is in full swing, and extensions of troop deployments in Iraq are the norm.

But the requirements of national defense have exceeded our resources, and the military is organizing localized its recruiting practices.

"We know we have to do better," said Col. Mark Harkman, of the Army's recruiting office. "That's why we're matching the right recruiter to the right community - matching community characteristics with the recruiter."

Col. Harkman introduced two new recruiting officers at a press conference: Capt. Daryl Lee Gates and Capt. Tyrell "G-Dog" Howard. "Capt. Gates will be hitting the streets of urban New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles and Washington, DC; while G-Dog will be heading to Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia and South Carolina to squeeze the last ounce of support from those areas," said Col. Harkman. "We are really excited about this."


Capt. Gates is Eager to Recruit in Harlem

Col. Harkman also noted that Capts. Gates and Howard will be introducing another new feature of the Army's recruiting effort - informal dress. "We want these guys to wear the clothes that will best help their efforts."


Capt. Howard, with Some of His Staff

Both Capt. Gates and Capt. Howard seemed eager: "Yo, I wanna send some muthafucking redneck hick to take a cap in his ass for this KKKountry, since he's the dumbass muthafuckah that voted for the jackass in the White House," said Capt. Howard. "The blessed US of A needs a great cleansing of the lesser species - and starting in the inner cities makes sense," added Capt. Gates.

ILLINOIS GOP FINDS CANDIDATE
By Stockton

In the wake of Alan Keyes' embarrassing showing in the 2004 Senate Race, the Illinois GOP has already recruited a candidate to take on Democrat Richard Durbin in the next senate race.

"It has been a tough year," said the Republican Chairman of Illinois (who wished to remain anonymous). "We picked the perv [Jack Ryan], then we picked a madman from Maryland. This time, we wanted time to really checkout the background of our candidate."

According to the Chairman, youth and vigor were they main criteria when searching for Durbin's opponent. "We wanted someone young and but experienced. We wanted someone who wasn't afraid to say what he'd do in Washington. Someone with conviction and with family values. We're not getting caught with our pants down this time."

Their choice, was young Sidney Blatt, a Springfield resident. Mr. Blatt was unavailable for comment, but did forward a press packet.

Sid Blatt - Illinois GOP's Great Hope