Wednesday, June 30, 2004

By Stockton

With apologies to our friend Shelley, and our other friend Robbie (both die-hard Red Sox fans (suckers)), we must point out that Yankees fans, for all the ink spilled concerning their uncouthness, have at least one thing going for them: They know an asshole when they see one.

After being heckled by the New York crowd, Vice President Cheney took the unusual step of trying to quietly sneak away in a Pedro Martinez uniform.

It didn't work:

By Tweed

Legendary Broadway Producer Harold Katzman is returning to the stage in July with his latest piece, "Abu Ghraib - The Musical".

Critics who have seen the show are ecstatic.

"Better than Schindler's List On Ice" - Gene Shalet

"Makes Anne Frank look like a drama" - Rex Reed

"When Ted Williams is thawed out and sees Abu Ghraib - The Musical, he's going to thank his son for having him cryogenically frozen" - Yogi Berra

The musical features at least two new songs destined to be classics; "My Funny Naked Human Pyramid" and "I'm Gonna Wash That Lube Right Out of My Crack".

Tickets go on sale the week of July 8 2004.


This weeks installment of "I Think I Know a Terrorist, What Can I Do?" features Vice President Dick "Potty Mouth" Cheney. (The program is designed to show Americans how they can help fight terrorism by illustrating how various Administration members fight terrorists)

Vice President Cheney says: "First, I show them my college deferments and tell them I have other priorities. If that doesn't work, I give them a low, gutteral growl, like this:

That will generally scare off the terrorist. If not, call the Secret Service. Good Luck and God Bless.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

By Stockton & Tweed

William F. Buckley, Jr., is leaving the National Review. Mr. Buckley's career in journalism has been remarkable and filled with great achievement.

Though we at LB in 04' do not tend to agree with Mr. Buckley on many things, his intelligence and rigorous intellect are remarkable and elevate any debate in which he plays a part.

We wish Mr. Buckley all the best.

Mr. Buckley on the firing line with guest, Ronald Reagan.

Mr. Buckley in 1983.
By Stockton

In a stunning reversal, the Green Party rejected He Who Must Not be Named as their Presidential standard bearer, opting for someone else whose name I can't remember.

HWMNBN's campaign has spiraled into a deep depression. "It's pretty bad," said one HWMNBN acolyte. "He knows he's put on some weight recently, maybe getting a little sloppy, but he didn't expect this type of rejection."

The Greens just felt that the two had grown apart. "We just don't know one another anymore," said one Green Party official. "He's an entirely different candidate than four years ago. We never talk and never go out. It was time to move on."

HWMNBN has gone into seclusion. "He just mopes around," said his campaign manager. "He hasn't showered and he just eats ice cream and watches soaps all day. He hasn't even mentioned corporate corruption for hours."

Monday, June 28, 2004

By Tweed

Republicans have reason to crow about their pro-business credentials. The New York sex industry is gearing-up, big-time for the GOP convention in New York.

"We're so excited," said one "escort" business proprietor. "We've got all our girls gussied-up to look like Anne Coulter and Peggy Noonan." Another sex industry business man, Boom-Daddy Jefferson, expressed equal enthusiasm: "I dig them GOP bitch hounds, man - they know, man, this is business. I gotta get my money."

GOP convention front-man Jim Ryan, a well known sex-club junkie, offered to take his GOP friends on a tour of the New York sex club scene - and to have sex with their wives in public.

GOP Convention frontman finding out what New York has to offer sex starved Republicans.
An LB in 04 Special Report

Now that the US has avoided any untidy transition terrorist attacks by handing "sovereignty" off to the Iraqis in Iraq a few days early, we at LB in 04 began to ask ourselves just how much sovereigntiness is being granted to the newly sovereigned sovereignty of sovereign, . . . I mean, Iraq?

LB in 04 editors Stockton and Tweed spent portions of their weekend (downtime from internet porn) reviewing the complicated protocols to determine the answer to this vexing question. After being prevailed upon by LB contributors, Stockton and Tweed agreed to allow for their internal report to be published:

The Extent of Sovereigness of the Newly Sovereigned Sovereignty of Iraq:

1. Members of the Iraqi governing legislative body, but not members of any local or administrative body, may use the restrooms without first asking permission.

2. All US personnel will be accorded the same respect and reverence accorded Muhammad.

3. No talking in line, unless permission is given by US military personnel holding the rank of PFC or higher.

4. Three statues of President Bush or his father for every two statues for an Iraqi.

5. Sleepovers are permitted, but everyone must be in bed with the lights out by 11 p.m.

6. I don't know whether you "can" go to the bathroom, but, if you ask, I will let you know whether you "may."

7. From now on, every man will wear their underwear on the outside.

8. If it bends, its funny; if it breaks - not funny.

9. I'm hungry.

10. Let's go back to www.bigknockers.com.

11. I'd prefer www.cheesesoftheworld.com.

By Tweed

In a low-key ceremony designed to overt car bombings, suicide bombings, rocket propelled grenade attacks and assassination, Coalition Forces returned sovereignty to Iraq on Monday June 28, 2004.

"Things are going so well here," said L. Paul Bremer, sidestepping small arms fire, "that we thought we would give sovereignty back to the Iraq a few days early."

The ceremony was a testament to President Bush's resolve as L. Paul Bremer threw the Key to Iraq at interim Prime Minister Allawi. The Prime Minister tried to throw the Key back to Bremer, but the speedy diplomat was already out the door and on the way to the airport.

L. Paul Bremer and staff shown here, on the way to Baghdad Airport.
By Stockton

The Crawford Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous plans a pre-emptive intervention for its favorite son, George Bush.

Concerns for the President first began when Crawford AA President Josh Poteete read a recent interview Bush gave while in Ireland:

Bush was asked whether he was satisfied with the level of political, economic and military support coming from European nations in Iraq.

"First of all, most of Europe supported the decision in Iraq. Really what you're talking about is France, isn't it? And they didn't agree with my decision. They did vote for the U.N. Security Council resolution. ... We just had a difference of opinion about whether, when you say something, you mean it."

"Obviously," said Poteete, "we can't tell whether he was slurring his words during the interview. That's one of the drawbacks of a transcript. But, from the content of the quotes, and the fact that he was just a few miles from Jamison's Distillery....well, I have my suspicions."

Poteete believes the interview was a cry for help. "I think he was screaming to his AA Family, 'I'm in trouble! Very bad trouble."

Poteete, a big Bush supporter, likens the Bush comments to one of his (Poteete's) old, drunken rants. "When I was really tanked up, God, I used to say the craziest things. Things like, 'I don't need any of you, you'll be sorry when I'm gone. I'm voting for Steve Forbes'. Then, when I sobered up, I'd be contrite."

Poteete points out that France, a country he has a patriotic hatred for, said it would vote for the UN Resolution, but not send troops. "And they didn't. Bush said there were WMD's and there wasn't. So who says things and means them?"

Poteete plans a July 4th pre-emptive intervention for President Bush. Tickets are still available at 1-800-sloppydrunk.

Poteete's parting thoughts; "If you think he's tough on terrorists now, wait until he's clean and sober. Hey, that would be a great campaign slogan."

Friday, June 25, 2004

By Tweed

GOP Senate hopeful Jack Ryan has turned his back on the Illinois Senate race.

Jack Ryan turning his back on Senate race.
By Stockton

The GOP once again shows why it is considered the 'traditional family values' party.

Family Values Vice-President Dick Cheney told Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy (VT) to "Go Fuck himself" or to "Fuck Off!"

In a scene any fourth grader can relate to, Cheney scolded Leahy for criticizing Halliburton, Cheney's Sugar Daddy. Leahy complained that he had been accused of being a "bad Catholic". Cheney then pummeled the Vermont Senator with profanity.

A spokesman for the Trash Talking Vice-President denies the allegations. "No fucking way that shit happened," said the spokesman. "The Office of the Vice-President doesn't talk shit like that!"

Cheney is also reported to have told Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold, "Up your nose with a rubber hose."

Thursday, June 24, 2004

By Stockton

Amid swirling rumors of resignation, the Ryan campaign is being tight-lipped about the future of GOP Senate candidate Jack Ryan. The candidates Press-Secretary has refused to answer any questions.

Jack Ryan's Press Secretary says "mums the word."

By Stockton

Iran returned eight detained British Sailors and has requested their 10 cent deposit on each sailor be returned to the Islamic Republic. Iran claims that the 80 cents will be spent to fund alternative energy sources and to modernize the educational system.

LB in '04 is pleased to announce an upcoming exclusive interview with Illinois Senate Candidate Jack Ryan's campaign team.

Stockton will be handling this interview personally.

By Tweed

Illinois Republicans are standing by GOP Senate candidate Jack Ryan. Hastert had to cancel a recent fundraiser but will be scheduling one for the near future at the "Dark Dutchess House of Pleasure". Cubicles furnished with mattresses will be available for $1,000.

In related news, the GOP slams Democrats on Family Values.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

By Stockton

The White House unveiled a new, six week program designed to boost moral and get the public involved in the War against Terrorism.

"This is the first time the United States has declared war on a verb," said an Administration spokesman. "We need everyone to be involved."

The White House Program, "I Think I Know a Terrorist, What Can I Do?", was unveiled today. The program will feature various members of the Administration demonstrating the latest techniques that you, the average American, can use in fighting terror.

This week; The Ashcroft maneuver.

Here, Attorney General John Ashcroft demonstrates what he would do if he saw a terrorist engaged in terrorism.

"Open your mouth as wide as it can go," advises the Attorney General, "and scream as loud as you can. That's how I fight terrorism."

This has been a public service announcement from LB in '04.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

By Stockton

Illinois voters are outraged at GOP Senate Candidate Jack Ryan's snub of Illinois Sex Clubs.

Jack Ryan a GOP Senate candidate took his then wife, actress Jeri Ryan, to sex clubs in New York, Paris and New Orleans, according to divorce papers recently made public. Illinois voters are uniform in their disapproval.

"We got perfectly good sex clubs here," said Roscoe Spunkmeier. "Why's he taking her to Paris and Jew York City? If Illinois sex clubs aren't good enough for him, maybe he's not good enough for Illinois."

State Representative Randi Meizner was more critical. "The State Republican Party circulates a list of good Illinois sex clubs. Jack Ryan knew that and still insisted on taking business out of state. I think he's finished."

A spokesperson for Local 6969 of the International Sex Workers Union said that the union would likely be withdrawing its endorsement of the republican.

Ryan's wife, Jeri Ryan, starred in Star Trek Voyager as well as Boston Public. Ryan was quite explicit in her divorce papers, stating how Jack Ryan wanted her to perform the Vulcan Cock-Pull as well as the Furangi Meat Pole Dance.

By Tweed

Get this. A republican candidate for the US Senate, Jack Ryan, tried to get his then-wife to have sex with him in front of other people.

Having sex with Jeri Ryan must be construed as being a good thing.

I mean, come on,
this is not Nancy Reagan.

There is nothing bad about sex involving Jeri Ryan.

What was I talking about?

By Tweed

Thanks to Blue Grass Roots for this link.

Ask Laura Bush about her husband and why he's the right man for the job. We propose the following questions. Setting aside blind partisanship, and in the best interests of the nation, we would respectfully ask Mrs. Bush the following:

1) When is the last time your husband used cocaine or a derivative thereof?

2) Does he prefer using a coke spoon or rolled up $20 bills ($50 bills, $100 bills)?

3) Will his drug paraphanalia be donated to his Presidential Library?

4) Did the President ever snort cocaine from your breasts?

5) Did he stop beating you once he quite drinking?

We look forward to Mrs. Bush's answers.

By Stockton

Connecticut Governor John Rowland, Poster Child for Traditional Republican Values, resigned his Office on Monday.

"I'm proud of where I took this office," said the Pre-Impeached Governor. "People want traditional Republican values and that's what I gave them."

Rowland accepted gifts (bribes) in exchange for political favors. Rowland did not receive a blow job.

For more coverage, turn to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham. The fair and balanced journalists have promised in-depth coverage of the Rowland scandal.

Rowland and friend are shown in this picture after stealing a plaque.


Monday, June 21, 2004

From LB in '04

Tired of the Religious Right being portrayed as frumpy and dumpy? Want to show that you can be as sexy as the liberal guys and gals? LB in '04 has some suggestions:

Introducing the "What Would Jesus Do?" Thong

And when you're done, wash away those sins with Jesus Soap:

By Tweed

770 gays discharged from military in 2003
Associated Press Writer

SAN FRANCISCO - Even with concerns growing about military troop strength, 770 people were discharged for homosexuality last year under the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, a new study shows.

The figure, however, is significantly lower than the record 1,227 discharges in 2001 - just before the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. Since "don't ask, don't tell" was adopted in 1994, nearly 10,000 military personnel have been discharged - including linguists, nuclear warfare experts and other key specialists.

"The justification for the policy is that allowing gays and lesbians to serve would undermine military readiness," said Aaron Belkin, author of the study, which will be released Monday. "For the first time, we can see how it has impacted every corner of the military and goes to the heart of the military readiness argument."

A Pentagon spokesperson underscored the military readiness problem. "Say we're attacked and half to move fast," said the spokesperson. "Now, I have nothing against queers, but how ready for immediate military operations can they be? They'd have to get out of their curlers, makeup and stockings before they would be ready. I'd hate to tell our guys, 'yeah, were going into combat but we have to wait for Geoffrey because he's at a Judy Garland Retrospective.'"

Other soldiers were less critical. "I bunked next to a few homos," said PFC Pyle. "All I know is that they kept the place neat and clean. My regular bunkmates are slobs."

The Army had thought of reassigning the 770 service people to Abu Ghraib Prison. "Obviously, their homoerotic tendencies might come in handy in interrogations," said one Pentagon official. "But the soldiers already at the prison don't want to deal with the outrageous behavior that comes with having gays around."

Two servicemen react to news of early discharge from military.

Friday, June 18, 2004

By Stockton

Lets see what the radical-leftist Financial Times has to say about the Dauphin.

The Bush administration has misled the American people. It has isolated the US, as American diplomats and commanders pointed out this week. And its bungling in Iraq has given new and terrifying life to the cult of death sponsored by Osama bin Laden. Above all, it inspires little confidence it is capable of defeating the spreading al-Qaeda franchise, which always was the clear and present danger.

For the full pimp slap, go here.

We here at Lickin Bush in '04 would like to take the time to acknowledge our friends living and blogging in the Occupied Territories. It takes great courage and patience to be a Democrat in some parts of this nation. The risks are many. We who do not fear a late-night knock on the door salute you!

I Like To Write, in Georgia;

Blue Grass Roots, in Kentucky;

Undelay, in T---s;

Timshel, in Louisiana.

Give them your support. Read them. Take heart in their courage and keep trying to Lick Bush.


Thursday, June 17, 2004

By Stockton

Yesterday, Harvard announced it will be offering a fall semester course entitled, 'Bush and the English Language' the Wisdom of a President.

LB in '04 was lucky enough to interview the professor teaching the new course, Professor Walter Spivey. We talked to Professor Spivey, focusing on one particular Bush statement.

We can help somebody who hurts by hugging a neighbor in need.
-- Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, Apr. 4, 2003

LB: Thank you for joining us, professor. Am I reading the Camp Lejeune quote correctly, professor? Is the President advocating a type of vicarious compassion?

Spivey: Precisiely. It really is a daring escape from conventional compassion.

LB: Essentially, we can come to the aid of an injured person, by hugging someone else?

Spivey: Exactly, and that is the daring part of this statement. Vicarious compassion. Say you know someone is hurting.

LB: Right?

Spivey: Hug your neighbor. The intimacy of the neighbor-hug is transfered to the injured person.

LB: It's more complicated than that, isn't it?

Spivey: Yes, there are other conditions precedent to vicarious compassion.

LB: The quote would indicate I can't hug just any neighbor.

Spivey: According to the President, it must be a neighbor in need. If it's not a neighbor in need, you could get a funny look, or....

LB: Pimp slapped?

Spivey: Or Pimp Slapped.

LB: So a happy, healthy neighbor won't do. Can I help my needy neighbor by actually hugging the needy neighbor or will my compassion automatically be transfered to a hurting person?

Spivey: Fascinating question. We just don't know yet.

LB: Fascinating. How about the following quote, Professor?

The solid truth of the matter is, when you find -- if you want to help heal the hurt -- if you want to hurt people and help people in pain, the best way to do so is to call upon the great strength of the country, which is the compassion of our fellow Americans.

---Bentonville, Arkansas, Nov. 4, 2002

Spivey: Yeah...ummm... I don't know what the fuck he's talking about in that one.

By Stockton

Despite news of his impending divorce, things might be looking up for Mr. Limbaugh.
By Tweed

Serial husband Rush Limbaugh has violated the Biblical prohibition against divorce. On Friday, June 11, 2004, the Family Values talk show host announced he and his wife of ten years would be filing for divorce. It will be Mr. Limbaugh's third divorce.

Marta Limbaugh was bursting with joy when we caught up with her. "It's like hearing the Parole Board has approved you for early release," said the excited Marta. "He was always a bit obnoxious, but when he became clean and sober, it was unbearable."

The soon to be ex-Mrs. Limbaugh was more than willing to share details of their intimate lives. "Everytime we got ready for marital relations, he'd go into his radio voice and say things like, 'get ready for the EIB (Excellence in Bed) network.' Please! Five minutes later I'd be in the bathroom dumping his dope into the toilet and reaching for my vibrator."

Mr. Limbaugh declined to comment, saying he had to meet with his ex-housekeeper behind Blimpie's.
By Stockton

Former Gauleiter Newt Gingrich has achieved a rare mark of distinction. He is a top 500 reviewer on Amazon.com.

When not writing reviews that no one reads, Mr. Gingrich plays with his erector set, cleans his pocket protector and debates the merits of Star Trek versus Star Trek the Next Generation.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

By Tweed

In a tacit acknowledgement that the situation in Iraq is deteriorating, the Pentagon tried to convince reporters that "all is well, all is well." The effort came during an impromptu press conference called by Major Nivek Nocab outside the Pentagon early on Wednesday morning.

Major Nocab at an impromptu press conference held Wednesday.


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

By Tweed

RIYADH (AFP) - The killing of a US national and presumed abduction of another by suspected Al-Qaeda extremists kept tensions high in the Saudi capital, with diplomats reporting the possible death of one more Westerner and police denying the report.

"With the death and abdications of Americans in Saudi Arabia," commented the President, "we must look towards regime change in The Sudan."

Bush went on to say that if The Sudan doesn't allow arms inspections, the United States would have no other option but to invade the African nation. "Still," said the President, "we would be treated as liberators."

The Administration hopes that the pressure placed on The Sudan will ease Al-Qeada attacks in Saudi Arabia.
By Stockton

What do William J. Crowe, Kack Matlock and William Harrop have in common? Two things: All three worked for Republican presidents and all three:

"agreed that we had just lost confidence in the ability of the Bush administration to advocate for American interests or to provide the kind of leadership that we think is essential."

For the full story go here.

Also included in the treasonous group is Marine General Joseph P. Hoar, commander of U.S. Forces in the Middle East during the reign of Bush the Elder.

The Bush Administration denies the existence of these former diplomats and military officials. "We believe," said one Bush spokesperson, "that these are fictitious people who do not actually exist. They are made up figments of John Kerry's imagination. I mean, really, William Crowe? Couldn't they come up with a better name for a made up guy?"

A Bush campaign official was more blunt. "President Bush has spent 3 years in the service of his country. His competence shouldn't be questioned by these amateur political hacks. How long have they served the US?"

All twenty-six men are being held by the Justice Department as enemy combatants.

UPDATE: The Administration has retracted its previous comment and acknowledged that the twenty-six men are actual, real, people who hate America.


Monday, June 14, 2004

By Tweed

In a daring move, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has vowed to hold his breath until Iraq is a free democracy.

Rumsfeld made the vow yesterday in an effort to rally support for the Iraq War. After taking the vow, Rumsfeld met with reporters. "Immf thahking usth emow mff fith imak toodles doo."

President Bush is said to appreciate the Defense Secretary's dedication, but remembers the backlash he experienced when other Cabinet members took other vows. In particular, President Bush cited the highly unpopular "No bare breasts" vow taken by Attorney General John Ashcroft.
By Stockton

Terrorism up, admits Powell
17:42 AEST Fri Jun 11 2004

AFP - US Secretary of State Colin Powell said poor data in a terrorism report allowed an erroneous conclusion that terrorist acts had decreased worldwide, but insisted the foul-up was unintentional.

"We didn't look deeply enough into the data to realize there were inconsistencies in reporting from the way we reported in previous years," Powell told ABC News.

"We'll put out a corrected report," he said of the "Patterns of Global Terrorism" report, which should have concluded that terror strikes were up.

"There was no attempt to mislead or cook the books in any way.

"So far, it appears to be an honest administrative error on the part of a new organization working with new people and we didn't watch it carefully enough to catch the errors as they were going through our system," he told the television network.

Once again, the Administration is racked with intelligence "lapses". One of President Bush's main campaign themes is that the war on terror is working. However, the proof used to support this argument, the "Patterns of Global Terrorism" report, indicates otherwise. Incidence of terrorism are on the rise.

"It was a simple mistake," said one Administration officials. "The report proves terrorism is on the rise. We said it backwards is all. It could happen to anyone. I think it was Tenet's fault."

"It was definitely a lapse," said a State Department official. "It was not a lie or misinformation. If the State Department lies, we have to pay royalities to the Vice-President's office. Our budget's tight so we want to avoid that extra expense."

This latest lapse is one in a long line of lapses that began with the infamous "Q" typo. According to Administration officials, it was Iran, not Iraq, that had weapons of mass destruction. The error occurred when typing the Executive Order for the war. Someone hit the "q" key instead of the "n' key. "That's how we ended up in Iraq," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "It was supposed to be Iran the whole time."

From the Editors

Nothing says Flag Day more for LB in '04 than a hot chick in a Wonder Woman costume. Enjoy!


Friday, June 11, 2004

By Tweed

In a move to retake the coveted premier voter bloc spot, Soccer Moms are lashing out against Nascar Dads, in moves remeniscent of conversations and actions that daily take place in homes all throughout suburbia in the United States.

"We're not backing down," said Bethany Hartsman, of suburban Indianapolis, leader of a group of Soccer Moms actively engaged in trying to reclaim Soccer Moms' previous position. Nascar Dads clearly view the group as a threat.

"Them women are tryin' tuh push around; and we're not gonna take it!" said Nascar Dad spokesman Daryl Jefferson Lee.

Tensions between the groups have been running high for years, despite auto makers' efforts to come up with a peace-creating SUV - minivan crossover. Recent attempts have fallen flat. And violence between the groups has been growing. Nascar Dads and Soccer Moms blame the violence on the other, and point to their own acts of violence as retaliation for some previous incident.

"We've been takin it on the chin for years, like men," intoned Lee in a well-worn Nascar Dad phrase. "We ain't gonna take it no more."

Differences between the groups break down on political lines, with Nascar Dads more likely to support President Bush and Soccer Moms more likely to support Senator Kerry. Nascar Dads point to Bush's efforts against terrorism as the primary reason for their support, noting that if Gore had been elected "we would've been taken over by Saddam Hussen or bin Laden." [editor's note: That's an actual quote of a Bush supporter, folks.] Soccer Moms, generally, have a low opinion of the President. "He's stupid," notes Shelley Longmeyer of Suburban St. Louis.
By Stockton

More Americans Abuse Alcohol, Study Finds

Thu Jun 10,

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - More Americans are abusing alcohol than in the 1990s, but fewer are technically alcoholics, U.S. government researchers said on Thursday

They found that the number of American adults who abuse alcohol or are alcohol dependent rose to 17.6 million or 8.46 percent of the population in 2001-2002 from 13.8 million or 7.41 percent of the population in 1991-1992.

Administration officials were pleased with the findings, noting that the President's policy of not telling his daughter's about his DUI must be working.

In a related story, blowjobs have decreased by 3.8% under President Bush.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

By Tweed

A growing group of Republicans feel betrayed by their party leaders. It has been well over three days since the death of former President Ronald Reagan, yet the promise of Republican leaders has not been kept.

"They told us it might take more than three days," said one disappointed conservative. "But it's been five and he hasn't risen."

According to sources, certain Republicans promised the faithful that Mr. Reagan would rise from the dead. It might take longer than Christ's resurrection, but it would happen within the week.

"Dammit," said one Republican. "If Christ could do it, it should be a snap for the Gipper."

Republicans secretly worry that given Mr. Reagan's condition at the time of death, the former President might simply forget to rise.

By Tweed

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld demonstrates that he is opposed to the Marriage Protection Amendment.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

By Stockton

Associated Press
Last updated Tuesday, June 8, 2004
Man arrested for DUI twice in one day
ABERDEEN, S.D. -- Friday was not the best of days for an unidentified man. Brown County sheriff's deputies arrested a 57 year-old for drunken driving shortly before 4 that afternoon. He was booked at the county jail and released.

A couple hours later, authorities got a tip that the same man was driving drunk again. This time when he was pulled over and arrested, he also received a citation for possession of a loaded firearm while intoxicated.

This is the only photo of the "unkown" driver.

The White House has not commented on this story.
By Tweed

In a stunning flip-flop, George Bush is now playing politics with the death of former President Ronald Reagan.

Republicans say it would be impossible to separate Reagan's death from the current presidential race, or to take politics out of his death and burial this week. "It's unavoidable," said Grover Norquist, conservative activist and Reagan champion.

In related news, President Bush has asked Nancy Reagan for permission to stuff and mount Mr. Reagan so he may be placed on stage at the Republican National Convention. A republican taxidermist has been retained in anticipation of Mrs. Reagan's cooperation.
By Stockton

What's a loser? A loser is someone who gloms on to someone else who's a winner, like Tweed gloms on me. You know the type.

Bush is a loser.

Here's proof.

By Tweed

Don't really need to add anything.

Just read this.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004


If you're like the Editors of LB in '04, you probably thought the slogan "Don't Mess with Texas" was coined by a group of illiterate, gun-toting, beer guzzeling cowboy wannabe's sitting around the local Gas & Sip with barbacue sauce dripped all over their wife-beater T-Shirts. Actually....

by MATT CURRY, Associated Press
Last updated Sunday, June 6, 2004
Don't mess with our slogan, Texas warns
DALLAS -- "Don't Mess with Texas" -- and get a lawyer for anyone trying to earn a buck off the slogan. The popular catchphrase intended to promote tidy roadsides has appeared on everything from T-shirts and bumper stickers to breath mint tins and refrigerator magnets. Now, the state Transportation Department wants it back.

"The state of Texas has a lot of money invested in the slogan, and we definitely want people to know it's a litter prevention message, it's not a macho message," said Doris Howdeshell, director of the department's travel division.

In the past year, the agency has sent 23 cease-and-desist letters warning merchandisers against unauthorized use of the federally registered trademark.

The State Department of Transportation has considered some new slogans that will, in all liklihood, not be co-opted by the vast majority of Texans:







By Tweed

A new reality show staring Multiple Murderer OJ Simpson is reportedly in the works.

OJ reality show may be in the works
4/24/2003 11:57 AM
By: Capital News 9 web staff

His trial already proved he can get big TV ratings, but now we may find out if OJ Simpson's reality show will be as popular.

The Urban Television Network Corporation and a Miami production company said they plan to create a reality show about Simpson

"We're excited," said one network executive. "No one else has a multiple murderer in a staring role on television. We could be riding a new wave of reality shows here."

The shows premise is less controversial than its star, O.J. Simpson. A knife-wielding O.J. will stalk and menace various celebraties, hiding in their bushes and shrubbery at night to surprise them when they return home.

Simpson loves the idea. "I love this idea so much," said the former multiple murderer, "so much that I get crazy thinking about someone else staring in the show. That's how much I love it. Sometimes I love it so much I hate it. Sometimes I want to hurt the show."

Also in the works for the Urban Television Network are:

Who wants to stalk my girlfriend?

Babysitting with Mr. Jackson

Win a Date with Mike Tyson

and the most anticipated reality show of the year, "Auschwitz Survivors are Pussies", where former Survivor winners compete against concentration camp survivors in a no holds barred competition for the title of Ultimate Survivor.

By Tweed

According to a recent Gallup Poll, Senator John Kerry maintains his lead over President Bush.

Republican Strategist Knute Hummer takes us inside the data.

"Bush's real problem," noted Hummer, "is a collapse in his base. Typically, Bush should have 90%-95% of the doofus vote as well as the drooling idiot vote. That has shrunk and they may not turn out like they should. Our worst nightmare is that our typical base of support stays home on election day."

What might these supporters do on election. "It's just speculation," says Hummer, "but my guess is they'll stay home, possibly performing their own root canal or having sex with a very close relative."

Monday, June 07, 2004

By Stockton

Nutmeg state republicans are proud of their republican governor who, they say, has shown the rest of the country, and maybe even Bill Clinton, the right kind of impeachable offenses.

"We are proud," said Connecticut republican Paul Scatore, "that our governor had the good taste not to be impeached for blow-jobs. After all, this is Connecticut."

Indeed, much of the hub-bub in the Nutmeg state is over the very traditional nature of Governor Rowland's apparent corruption. "These are the kind of traditional values we like to see," said Connecticut Republican party official Herman Mauro. "If this had been a Democratic scandal, it would have just been sex and more sex. But not from a Republican - no sir. Heck, I don't even take my pants off when I have sex with my wife."
By Stockton

Are you tired of movers whose religious beliefs may not be compatible with your own? Tired of not knowing if those sweaty guys toting the armoire might not know their Old Testament? How many times have you said, "They work hard, but do they know their Deuteronomy?" Or, "that was fast, but where do they stand on the Anti-Ass Fucking Amendment?"

Forget sleepless nights and ecclesiastically ambiguity in your hired help. LB in '04 presents: Exodus Movers:

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So, if your house or neighborhood has been hit with plagues, locusts or fire and brimstone, call Exodus. And tell 'em Lickin Bush sent you.
By Stockton

The Bush teams unrepentent zeal to link itself to the September 2001 terrorist attacks may have backfired. Because the Republican national convention has been pushed so far back in the election year, President Bush will need a special law passed to get on the Illinois ballot for the 2004 presidential election.

That's right folks, without a special law, just for him, President Bush would not even show up on the ballot of this state (which he won't win anyway).

Fits, doesn't it. What others laws and rules has Bush broken to get where he is - drug abuser, DWI, Texas Air National Guard, securities fraud, the Constitution.

Oh, yeah; I forgot. It's OK because he doesn't get blow jobs.

Speaking of which; we've many likely candidates for our Staff Ass position. Don't forget to apply (if you're a hotty)!
By Tweed

LB in 04 has learned that the real reason George Tenet resigned from the head of the CIA was that his "visions" were beginning to run counter to Bush administration policies.

"I had a sixth sense about the terrorist attacks in September 2001," said Tenet. "The President appreciated this new form of intelligence and kept me on for as long as my visions comported with his policies."

Tenet, who admits that some of his visions are "downright wierd", claimed that President Bush began to have doubts about Tenet when his visions turned, in the President's words, "very perturbular."

"I had visions of Bush burning in hell, of Kerry as President, of Dick Cheney smiling and of an army of paper bag people dressed in colorful clothing." Tenet described many of his visions, but mentioned that the one that seemed to turn the President was the one he about clowns in the White Hosue.

"The president doesn't like clowns," said Tenet.

The President initially denied the allegations, but finally admitted that Tenet's claims were essentially correct. "Gotta do summthin bout them clowns."
By Stockton

PRESIDENT Bush received an icy welcome from The Pope when he visited the Pontiff at the Vatican. The Pope urged the President to relinquish "genuine sovereignty" to the Iraqi people on June 30, 2004. "Play it straight up, G," said the Pontiff. "No bullshit faux sovereignty, yo!" The President smiled and complimented the Pope on his "really big chairs." The President also said he looked forward to visiting Westminster Abbey and the Kremlin while in Italy.

By Stockton and Tweed

Ronald Reagan has finally passed away after a long illness.

While we at LB in 04 disagree with Reagan the policy setter, his influence and accomplishments cannot be denied. While we may criticize and condemn Reagan's treatment of unions, the poor and his economic and tax policies, we must respect his ability to communicate a positive vision of America, and his rescuing of the Republican party. His greatest asset was making the country feel good about itself. Something only the great ones can accomplish.

Reagan, perhaps, squandered his popularity; refusing to use it to address the pressing issues of his day - persistent poverty, the burgeoning AIDs epidemic and the rising threat of global terrorism. The man had his faults because he was a man and not a Hollywood character. Love him, like him, hate him or dislike him, he was a towering figure in the second half of the 20th Century.

For those who might question our Democratic beliefs based on this post, we feel attacks on a dead man serve little purpose and are, quite frankly, bad form. His last years must have been particularly heartbreaking for his family and our thoughts are with the Reagans.

He was the President of the United States. At heart, a deeply moral man who we believe did what he truly thought best for the United States. Was it? We think the answer is a mixed bag, like most presidencies. And that is fine. Perhaps we expect too much from our leaders, near perfection in public and private, a strict adherence to some ideology. Despite rhetoric, Reagan seems best classified, like his successful predecessors, as a pragmatist.

True conservativism flourished under his watch. Not the grotesque Neo-Conservatism of the '90's and today, but men and women dedicated to balanced budgets and reining in a bloated bureaucracy. We can differ on what needed to be cut or what revenues should fund, but the Republican Party of the '80's is not today's party.

Good By, President Reagan. For good or bad, you were an American Original.

By Tweed

LB in 04 has learned that George Bush the Elder has decided to try and oust George Bush the Younger in a move that will have historians grappling for appropriate analogies!

This stunning news was discerned from comments the former President Bush was reported to have made to supporters near his home in Kennebunkport: "Tried to teach him good values, Barb and me and his schools, and so forth; didn't seem to take; Me, I'm trying to make amends; set things right; follow those points of light."

Experts in Bush speak quickly translated this message into the following: "I'm gonna teach that little prick a lesson."

Bush Junior, apparently not in need of a translator, quickly responded in kind: "My daddy is a great man and president in the past years. But oldness and, you know, makin' money and not being where I am in the world today without the Russians and so forth - it doesn't make much sense."

Translated: "Bring it on, big Daddy."
By Stockton

These observations come courtesy of Dan Payne at the Boston Globe, showing Bush flip-flopping like a Small-Mouth Bass just yanked out of the water.

Bush can't get enough of Chalabi. Chalabi cons Bush's neocons into toppling Saddam; sits behind Laura Bush at State of Union speech; always looks marvelous in custom-made $1,000 suits. US paid him $335,000 a month for "intelligence."

US troops raid Chalabi's house. US soldiers raided Chalabi's home and seized documents and computers. (Hope they didn't wrinkle his suits.) While on US payroll, told Iran that US had cracked code for Iran's secret communications. Time magazine says, "The US's abandonment of Chalabi may prove to be the most head-snapping reversal of all."

Bush opposes Department of Homeland Security. Former press secretary Ari Fleischer says Bush told Congress, "There does not need to be a Cabinet-level Office of Homeland Security." (White House press briefing, Oct. 24, 2001.)

Bush supports Department of Homeland Security. "So tonight, I ask the Congress to join me in creating a single, permanent department with an overriding and urgent mission: securing the homeland of America." (June 6, 2002.)

Bush acrobatics on 9/11 commission. Bush was against creating commission, then for it. Against National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice testifying, then for it. Against testifying himself, then for it. Said he'd testify only for one hour. Then said no time limit but had to have Cheney along -- to keep their stories straight.

Bush then: gay marriage is state issue. "The states can do what they want to do. Don't try to trap me in this state's issue like you're trying to get me into." ("Larry King Live," Feb. 15, 2000.)

Bush now: for constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. "Today I call upon the Congress to promptly pass, and to send to the states for ratification, an amendment to our Constitution defining and protecting marriage as a union of man and woman as husband and wife." (Feb. 24, 2004.)

Those are just a few of Bush's flip-flops the media and talking heads seem to overlook. We here at LB in '04 urge all right thinking blogs to begin highlighting any real, verifiable flip-flops by the President in the hopes that the media may one day pick up on the issue.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

By Stockton

Bush will rank high, Rice says

Security chief believes he will be compared with Roosevelt and Churchill

By Bob Deans, Associated Press

WASHINGTON -- As President Bush begins a week of foreign diplomacy, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice insists that he will one day rank alongside such towering pillars of 20th century statecraft as President Franklin D. Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
"Statesmanship has to be judged first and foremost by whether you recognize historic opportunities and seize them," Rice said in an interview with Cox Newspapers.

"When you think of statesmen, you think of people who seized historic opportunities to change the world for the better, people like Roosevelt, people like Churchill, and people like Truman, who understood the challenges of communism. And this president has been an agent of change for the better -- historic change for the better."

"Sure," said historian JD Privit, a professor at Bob Jones University. "I see some similarities between the three men, war time leaders, brilliant oratorical skills, leaders who united their countries. But remember, Roosevelt and Churchill had flaws. Roosevelt never served in combat when he had the opportunity in World War I and Churchill was a booze hound."

Also noted was that "look of steely resolve" all three leaders possessed.

By Stockton

After speaking to the Class of '04 at the United States Air Force Academy, President Bush and a graduate demonstrated the appropriate technique used to capture supposed terrorists.

"That's it," coached the President. "Grab my arm and then arch your back so everyone can see your stiff resolve."

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


Associated Press
Last updated Wednesday, June 2, 2004
'Ladies night' discount axed in N.J. bars
TRENTON, N.J. -- The state's top civil rights official has ruled that taverns cannot offer discounts to women on "ladies nights," agreeing with a man who claimed such gender-based promotions discriminated against men.

David R. Gillespie said it was not fair for women to get into the Coastline nightclub for free and receive discounted drinks while men paid a $5 cover charge and full price for drinks.

In his ruling Tuesday, J. Frank Vespa-Papaleo, director of the state Division on Civil Rights, rejected arguments by the nightclub that ladies nights were a legitimate promotion. Commercial interests do not override the "important social policy objective of eradicating discrimination," he ruled.

The ruling specifically addressed the weekly ladies nights at the Coastline in Cherry Hill, but it carries the force of a court decision and applies statewide. Vespa-Papaleo said state officials would write formal rules after a public hearing.

The restaurant's attorney, Colleen Ready, did not immediately return a telephone message left Wednesday by The Associated Press.

Courts in other states have issued divergent opinions on such promotions.

Judges in Pennsylvania and Iowa have said similar events are illegal, but courts in Illinois and Washington state have said that ladies nights are permissible because they do not discriminate against men but rather encourage women to attend.

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Does any straight man really mind if women can obtain cheap liquor? What's next? Preventing low self esteem in pretty blondes? I want my country back!

Because we here at LB in '04 cherish our Christian heritage, we urge everyone to read Ann Coulter. It is so sad and pathetic to see she is still writing and ranting even when no one really reads or listens. Does anyone really listen to her anymore? Did any ever really listen? Sure, she sells books, but we know who buys most of them, don't we.

Lets face it, the left has reached, at times, a high decibel screech when lambasting Ms. Coulter, Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage, Liddy, North and Ingraham. Why? Their influence is minimal. How long has the country been awash in right-wing radio waves? Limbaugh resurrected Father Coughlin back in the late '80's. Copycats soon followed. The result, the same 10-25 million people who listened to Limbaugh in 1990, listen to him today. Those same people then tune into one of the other hacks.

Since the emergence of Right-Wing Radio, no Republican Presidential candidate has won a plurality of the vote! Imagine, with all those highly tuned minds, the Hannity's, the Savages, the Limbaugh's, and the result is three straight popular vote losses.

Please, people, to vilify these ridiculous pop-political philosophers is to give them much more credit than they deserve. Laugh at them, mock them but never take them seriously.

Besides, it's good to have criminals and addicts such as North Liddy and Limbaugh off the streets.
By Stockton

Once again, Vice-President Dick Cheney is at the center of a 'leak'. This time it's Cheney's bestest bud Ahmad Chalabi, who may have received information from the Administration and then turned around and relayed it to Iran.

WASHINGTON - The FBI (news - web sites) is investigating who in the U.S. government leaked information to former Iraqi exile Ahmad Chalabi that made its way into the hands of the Iranian government, potentially damaging American efforts to monitor Tehran's activities, government officials said Wednesday

We cannot imagine who in the US Government was close enough with Chalabi to give him sensitive information that could ultimately be used against us. Hmmmm.

Between Valeria Plame and now Chalabi, it has become increasingly clear that this Administration hates America and wants to undermine the war on terror. Leaks abound and it all leads back to the Vice-Presidents Office.

Perhaps Dick Cheney and his staff need a case of these to stop the inappropriate and embarrassing leakage.

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Tuesday, June 01, 2004


A measely 16 of you replied. Stockton and Tweed are very disappointed in you. We also asked you to explain your choice and show your work. None did, which leaves us to believe that some cheating did occur.

Without further ado:

Edwards was a clear favorite with 31%;

Bill Richardson garnered 19%, but he will not be the choice;

A three way tie for third (sounds like Lieberman's victory speech in New Hampshire)with 13% going to Biden (Stockton's choice), Clarke and some poor souls touting Dean;

Evan Bayh and Hillary Clinton each got 6%;

And Feingold, Gephardt and Graham got a big, fat 0%.

We expect a bigger turnout for our next poll or we will turn this blog around! We mean it! Don't try us!
By Stockton

Recent polls show Bush trouncing Kerry in a state that ranks near the bottom of every conceivable positive category in education, employment, health and wages.

The support for the President is not only wide, it is deep.

"We may not talk good," said Amos Tandy, a Bush supporter, "and we may not have good doctors, or good teachers, or good teeth, or good jobs or good wages or good drinkin' water and our young 'uns die pretty quick round here, but this is Bush Country!"

Alabamans take umbrage at how outsiders view there state. "We done just jumped Arkansas in literacy rate," said Alabama spokesperson Dwight Stickum. "We all are now 48 and moving in fast on Mississippi."

Stickum also pointed to the fact that now 33% of Alabamans now have running water in their homes and dirt floors are down by 5%. As for the support for President Bush, Stickum is blunt. "I didn't see Kerry down here fending off those Viet Cong guys like George. Bush was the only thing standing between us and a swarming horde of little yellow commies."
By Tweed

After laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns on Memorial Day, President Bush announced the creation of another war memorial. The new monument will be dedicated to "all those who cannot prove their military service," announced the President. The Lost Records Monument is set to be completed by May of 2006.

"We believe," said the President, "that many brave and heroic men and women are unable to prove their military service due to storage problems and other snafus. We hope this monument will alleviate some of the shame and frustration those service people feel when they cannot verify their whereabouts when questions arise about their brave and distinguished service."

Initial drawings of the monument show a large, marble filing cabinet being opened by a frustrated file clerk.

Tom Delay, Dick Armey, Dan Quayle, Denny Hastert, Saxby Chambliss, Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney and the President himself are scheduled to speak at the dedication ceremony.

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