Tuesday, November 30, 2004

By Stockton

The religious world was turned upside down earlier this month when a decade old grilled cheese sandwich was auctioned off for $28,000. Why so much? Because, according to its owner (and grilled cheese aficionado) it bears the likeness of Christ's mother, the Virgin Mary.

The seller, Fort Lauderdale, Florida resident Diana Duyser, says she made the cheese sandwich 10 years ago and after taking a bite, saw "the Virgin Mary staring back at me."

In her eBay ad, Duyser said the sandwich has been kept in a plastic case for a decade and has developed no mold or bacteria. "It is like a miracle," she said.

"I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother Of God," the ad said. "That is my solemn belief, but you are free to believe that she is whomever you like, I am not scamming anyone."

Upon seeing the image, Ms. Duyser immediately purchased a Subway Party Platter. "I hoped to get the Twelve Apostles," said Duyser. "But all I got was dried out turkey and greasy salami. The tuna fish was good though."

Biblical scholars are split on the authenticity of the image. Rev. H. Emmet James, of the World Church of Christ in Chedder England, is a believer. "Never forget," said Reverend James. "Mary, like her son, was a Jew. The sandwich was made in Fort Lauderdale. Coincidence? Think about it."

Pastor William Foster (Swiss Reform Church, Muenster, Indiana) was equally excited. "This is it!" Said Pastor Foster. "The end times are here! This is bigger than the time that St. Peter appeared on my oven mit."

Still, some are skeptical. Father Francis O'Malley believes it's far too early to be announcing miracles. "And why a grilled cheese?" askes the Roman Catholic priest. "A Ruben maybe, or a Monte Cristo, but grilled cheese? The real miracle is that some type of tupperware kept the sandwich mold free. Now that's truly divine."

Some agree that a woman's image is on the sandwich but differ on the woman. Other than the Virgin Mary, others see:

1- The Mona Lisa
2- Boy George
3- Cher
4- Betty Boop
5- Nora O'Donnell
6- Greta Garbo

The real question, still unanswered, is if Ms. Duyser is sincere, why is she whoring the Virgin Mary?


Monday, November 29, 2004

By Tweed

The President's Thanksgiving message was filled with holiday spirit, as reported by the Associated Press:

"We also recognize our duty to share our blessings with the least among us," the
president said. "Throughout the holiday season, schools, churches, synagogues
and other generous organizations gather food and clothing for their neighbors in
need. Many young people give part of their holiday to volunteer at homeless
shelters or food pantries.
"On Thanksgiving, and on every day of the year, America is a more hopeful nation because of the volunteers who serve the weak and the vulnerable."
But the President also called on Americans to do more. "As the dollar falls and inflationiary pressures increases, cuz fern investors don't think we-all know what to do with our debt, and cuz the debt is so dang big and all - due to those tax and spend liberals in Congress, and because I want you to have more of your money and social security to be more of what you want of your own money, and it'll cost something, we need to give more to those in need - like Haliburton. The money they get's not worth as much anymore because of inflationairy pressures - and BMWs are German and Euros cost more now. So; I want all Mericans to give thanks and give money this holiday to Merica. But because I'm so good at this governing thing and budgets and all of that - you don't have to give now - you can just let your kids give when they get old enough to pay."


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

By Tweed

In a radical departure from tradition, US Senators took the unusual step of reading a bill before voting on it.

In so doing, Senators discovered that the House had passed a measure allowing staffers to review individual income tax returns. According to the Associated Press (November 22, 2004):

The intent, [Representative Istook (R-OK)] said, was to give House and Senate Appropriations chairmen and their aides access to IRS processing centers for oversight purposes and not to review individual returns. The provision says committee chairmen and their agents would have access to IRS "facilities and any tax returns or return information contained therein."

"Hell," said Rep. Istook upon learning of the text, "I didn't mean that."

Senators were stunned by what they read. "I just couldn't believe what was there," said Senator Sue Collins (R-Maine), "there are titles, subtitles, parts, subparts, sections, cross references - both internal and external - and the codification is all different from the USC - I just got so confused."

Senators Breaking With Tradition

In addition to the tax provision, Senators discovered provisions calling for the abolition of left-handed egg-beaters, funding for the National Commission on National Commissions, outlawing of all autombiles with the letter "m" in their name, funding for research into the viability of cruise control for baby strollers, creation of national pizza and beer day and a repeal of all sales taxes on any goods or services of more than $2.

Senator Hatch (R-Some Western State) expressed dismay at the Senate's change in tradition. "For years its been alright for us to proceed in this fashion. And not one shred of scientific evidence indicates that there is a reason for change. This is an example of the media distorting the facts."

Senator Kit Bond Discovering the Provision
Selling Missouri to El Salvador for a Herd of Llamas

Not all Senators agreed with Hatch. "Sometimes change is good," said Lincoln Chafee (R-Rhode Island), "sometimes change is the only option really left."

It is not yet clear whether the Senate's radical departure from tradition will be followed in the House.


Monday, November 22, 2004

By Stockton

In what many see as the first salvo in the battle for the '08 GOP nomination, Illinois Republican Jerry Weller (11th Dist.) wed Zury Rios Sosa. Sosa is the daughter of former Guatemalan dictator Efrain Rios Montt. Many believe Montt will serve as a close advisor to Weller when the congressman runs for the White House.

"Rove is a fine campaign advisor," said an aid close to Weller. "But, Kerry and Edwards are still breathing. That's not the kind of thing you'll see with Signor Montt at your side."

Political Scientists were not surprised at the Weller move. "The GOP is in its dictatorial infancy," said Mark Goldstein, a political science professor at Columbia University. "With experts like Montt and Sosa at their side, they'll be able to fine tune their leadership style." As for the wedding:

Francisco Paloma, Rios Montt's personal notary public and lawyer, officiated, but the former dictator also led part of the religious proceedings.

The sound of his sermon carried outside the mansion, where he could be heard saying "the husband is the brains of his woman ... who should be loved like the church loves Christ."
Rios Montt, who embraced evangelical Christianity after leaving the army, also said "the science of marriage is to become one, just like the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit."

Rios Sosa, who has been married three times before, will move to the United States and live with her husband. But she says she will not give up her seat in the senate, preferring to fly back to Guatemala to fulfill her legislative responsibilities.

Rios Sosa, an active supporter of her father who directed his presidential campaign, also helped Weller campaign after the U.S. Federal Election Commission voted unanimously to let her participate.

Weller requested the ruling to clarify a law prohibiting foreign nationals from making a contribution of money "or other thing of value" to candidates.

The Groom wore a black suit while the Bride wore a cream-colored, strapless gown and a shimmering strand of gold fillings. The tables were tastefully decorated with the preserved fingers and skulls of Montt's victims.

Weller's move was quickly known in political circles and counter-moves are already in progress. Pennsylvania Senator Rick "Man-Dog Sex" Santorum has invited Mussolini's great granddaughter to D.C. to discuss "his future" while Alan Keyes has expressed interest in meeting with Ida Amin's children. The Noriega and Sukarno children are still available.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

By Stockton

In a 7-2 ruling, the United States Supreme Court stopped the execution of a Texas man because the jury did not consider the man's low intelligence when voting for the death penalty. The court ruled that such factors as IQ and participation in 'Special Education' classes should be considered before passing on the ultimate punishment. In dicta, the Court stated:

"In a civilized, humane society, the execution of retards should only be done following high voter turnout in Red States during Presidential Elections."

The Texas State Prosecutor, Roy 'Cooter' Conklin was angry at the High Court's activist intervention.

"The Jew S. Supreme Court has made a radical decision that will all but castrate our God-given right to kill. If low intelligence will negate the application of the death penalty, then we won't be able to execute anyone in Texas."

Conklin's argument, that the jury's average IQ was lower than the defendant's, was ignored by the court. "It just don't make no sense," said one juror. "Who's gonna sit on a jury if we can't fry a tard?"

The Jury: "Disappointed no tards will fry."

The decision has prompted one Texas Congressman to introduce legislation that would strip the United States Supreme Court of appellate jurisdiction over matters involving the U.S. Constitution.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

By Tweed

Bill Clinton's presidential library will open, shortly in Fallujah, Arkansas, where residents have been urged to not carry around their weapons on the day of the event. As reported by Reuters:

Acxiom Corporation distributed a memo to the 420 employees in its 12-story sales
and marketing building in Little Rock's River Market district -- near the Clinton library -- reminding them of its policy forbidding weapons on company property.
"This would not be a time to violate that policy," said Dale Ingram, spokesman for Acxiom.

The current President Bush will be wearing his now well-worn-in bullet proof vest that proved itself useless during the debates.

Speaking of which; what kind of jackass president wears a bullet proof vest to a presidential debate?

Oh yeah. That kind.


Monday, November 15, 2004


You may have noticed a decrease in the volume of material being posted by your faithful servants, Stockton & Tweed, here at LB in '04. There are a number of causes - work on Stockton & Tweed's "How To Law School" and Stockton's alter boy trial, for example - but one cause stands above all others:


Yes, folks, you heard it here first. LB in '04 will soon become defunct and a new Stockton & Tweed site will become funct January 1, 2005. It will be functabulous and functaliscious. The name will be kept secret until then due to national security reasons. Knowing the name now may very well put your lives in danger.

Those of you concerned about access to LB in '04 have no fear - the ontological roots of Stockton & Tweed's blogomania will be archived and accessible through the new site.

Those of you concerned about the quality of the new site should have no fear as well - same low-grade, male adolescent sense of humor will pervade, although we pledge to try harder with respekt two our speling.

And don't be concerned about our losing our political standing. Our new site will be an all-out literary (OK, maybe not quite "literary" in the liberal elite sense) assault on all things RED. Like barns. Why the heck do barns have to be red!? And although RED will receive the full brunt of our rapier-like wit and disdain, remember, RED is more a state of mind than a geographic locale.

We at LB in '04 are truly thankful for the wonderful response we've had to our little ole' site. And we pray to our savior Jesus Christ that God protect you and keep your sick, disgusting, prurient laden, sorry-ass, wacko selves the hell away from our daughters - and sons (This means you, Jen).

In the meantime, we plan to maintain a steady stream. . . OK, a fairly steady stream of posts here at LB in 04.

Keep checking in - and we'll do the same.



Friday, November 12, 2004

By Tweed

Fundamentalist Christians are heeding the calls of many political leaders to aschew the rancor and bad feelings engendered over the recent years. Prominent among those is Bob Jones University President Bob Jones III (as reported by the Associated Press):

GREENVILLE, S.C. - Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college that bears his name, has told President Bush he should use his electoral mandate to appoint conservative judges and approve legislation "defined by biblical norm."
"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America — though she doesn't deserve it — a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Jones wrote Bush in a congratulatory letter posted on the university's Web site. "You have been given a mandate. ... Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ," said the letter, dated Nov. 3.
"Never have there been written," said White House Press Secretary Scott "Goebbels" McClellen, "that reflect the goals of unity, compassion, understanding and love than those written by Bob Jones."

The President added "Bob Jones - great man . . . great leader. . . created a great in-sti-tu-tion of higher learning, education. Ya see; he knows how to bring people together to teach and learn from each other. And we should all listen to what he has to say."

When asked whether he believed that Senator John Kerry despised the Christ prayed to be Bush, Bob Jones replied that the answer was "obvious;" that Kerry's "papism would have resulted in the whole-sale slaughter of all true Christians." When asked why the United States did not deserve a reprieve from the agenda of paganism, Jones replied "because of the existence of the democratic party and pant-suits."


Thursday, November 11, 2004

By Stockton

The President checking out his new Attorney General's
spicy little ass


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

By Stockton

According to post election polling, Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry did far worse than Al Gore among women. While Gore carried the female vote by 11 points over Bush, Kerry won a much narrower margin.

"Kerry simply didn't woo us," said Charlotte Dempsey, author of Women Who Love Presidential Candidates Too much. "He didn't take the time to talk to us or make us feel special."

Dempsey, a pro-choice, pro-stem cell funding liberal, just wanted some attention from the Democratic candidate. "I agreed with Kerry on almost everything," says Dempsey, "but some one on one time would have been nice. A girl likes to be wined and dined before she pulls a lever for a guy. I can see why some gals went for Bush. He's got that strong, silent type thing going on. He may not want us to have access to birth control, but damn, I love that swagger."

Kerry, who has married two wealthy women, could not be reached for comment.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

By Stockton
Because Elephants just don't get it!
Courtesy of Jen

By Stockton

The slope is getting slippery.

Druggists refuse to give out pill
Tue Nov 9, 6:54 AM ET

By Charisse Jones, USA TODAY

For a year, Julee Lacey stopped in a CVS pharmacy near her home in a Fort Worth suburb to get refills of her birth-control pills. Then one day last March, the pharmacist refused to fill Lacey's prescription because she did not believe in birth control.

"I was shocked," says Lacey, 33, who was not able to get her prescription until the next day and missed taking one of her pills. "Their job is not to regulate what people take or do. It's just to fill the prescription that was ordered by my physician."

Now the unfertilized egg is sacred.

I'd write something funny, but there's nothing funny about this. Why do they hate our individual freedoms? Why do they want to tell us what to do? If you don't think we are in a war with these people, wake up. But, should we be surprised? These are the same people who kill doctors. Conservatives want to control what you do and how you think. They detest individual liberty and detest allowing people to make their own moral decisions.

I hope I can still get my viagra.

By Tweed

The Associated Press reports:

MONTGOMERY, Ala. - Old times are not forgotten in the heart of Dixie. Alabama
voters elected a Supreme Court candidate linked to Old South ideals and
apparently killed a move to strike segregationist language from the state
Constitution, a victory of sorts for the state's neo-Confederate crowd.

Michael Hill, president of the pro-secession League of the South, said Tom Parker's election Tuesday and the Amendment Two results make it obvious many Alabama voters still identify with Southern causes.

"YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAA!" and "God Bless Jeff Davis and the Confederacy!" were the most common refrains heard from voting booths throughout Alabama as the voters surged to the polls to vote down the amendment. In addition to the vote against Amendment Two, Alabama voters approved a resolution denying the existence of the years 1860 - 2004, a law requiring the wearing of dirty red overalls (with no shirt) by all gas station attendants and a new regulatory structure requiring Satan and his minion to register with the clerk of each county in which Satan or his minion intend to operate.

Tom Parker, a former aide to Roy "Ten Commandments" Moore, claimed that his victory had much in common with George Bush's 2000 election victory. "I had a meeting with a bunch of the Republican Party leaders and they told me I'd make a good candidate. Then God told me he wanted me to be State Senator. But a friend of mine was State Senator in my jurisdiction, so I asked God if I could run for the Supreme Court. He asked about its current make-up and then gave me the OK. Praise Jesus! Amen."

Republican party leaders refused to take credit for their electoral victory, instead giving all the credit to Jesus. "I'm just glad we're able to do God's good work here on earth," said Harlan Ashburn, of Selma. "Jesus Christ, our savior, really brought it home for us today. We had him going door-to-door, making speaches, attending fundraisers. Tell you what. No one but no one can bring down the house like the son of God. And he can hold his drink too."


Friday, November 05, 2004

By Tweed

President Bush today outlined his plans for the future and the use of all the "policatal. . . cap . . . capital that's political" he received during the 2004 election. "First, I'm gonna get a burrito. Then, I'm gonna get Laura a nice pearl necklace, like the one mama wears. Then I'm gonna get her a white frizzy wig and see if I can get her to gain about 70 pounds."

Bush Preparing his Next Meal

Asked about his plans for the country, Bush resorted to the soaring rehtoric he is known for: "America is the greatest country on earth, and that the earth has never before seen it. And we are great, we . . . us . . Americans are. Terrists want to kill us and kill the dream world that is America with evilness. And we must never stop, never waiver, never yield in our crusade to end the reign of Muslem terr. Now lemme go pee."


Thursday, November 04, 2004

By Stockton

With the 2004 President Election barely cold and in the ground, President Bush has already begun his campaign of retribution.

LITTLE EGG HARBOR, N.J. - A National Guard F-16 fighter jet on a nighttime training mission strafed an elementary school with 25 rounds of ammunition, authorities said Thursday. No one was injured.

The military is investigating the incident that damaged Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School shortly after 11 p.m.

After Nationalizing the National Guard, President Bush ordered the attack on the "Blue State" just before 11:00PM. New Jersey voted Democratic in the last four Presidential Elections.

New Jersey Governor James McGreevey promptly contacted the White House, admitted he was gay and surrendered the state.

By Stockton

While many believed science and scientific research would suffer under George W. Bush, a major breakthrough has sent shockwaves through the scientific world.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. researchers said on Thursday they had found sperm nursery cells in mice, grown them in lab dishes and used them to father baby mice.

The news has eased concerns about the future of the endangered mouse population around the world.

By Tweed

The editors of LB in 04' have discovered the cause of Senator Kerry's defeat at the hands of the most incompetent president since Buchanan.

The cause was revealed to Stockton and Tweed as they reviewed the results of the LB in 04' mini poll (asking readers to identify where they got their news).

"Thirty-Four percent of our readers - almost all of which are good and loyal democrats - make up their own news," noted Stockton. "This included Tweed, whose election prediction reflected his lack of understanding of the world around him. We suspect that many democrats, similarly confused, neglected to vote - or, not understanding the importance of correctly identifying their polling places, figured they could vote while pooping."

LB in 04' Reader (We Suspect Rusty)
Attempting to Vote

Surprisingly, LB in 04' readers rated LB in 04' third, behind that alleged comedian's show - the Daily Show. Bill Mahr, the angry, cursing guy, garned a measly 4 votes, sufficient to place him fourth. Some readers got their news from the back of cereal boxes and two (Stockton and Tweed) get their news from Playboy (there really are some good articles there).

In a surprising last place finish was reruns from Weekend Update.



Wednesday, November 03, 2004

LB in '04 UPDATE
By Stockton

Yes, Stockton is still alive and safely ensconced in the heart of Deep Blue Country (I've never been prouder of my region of the country and a big welcome aboard to New Hampshire). Tweed is missing in action behind enemy lines. We all hope for the best. The last contact had with the illustrious LB in '04 Editor was via car phone as he made his way, along with hundreds of other refugees, towards the Blue Corridor (ME through MD).

Apparently, the election was Tuesday. That explains the look on people's faces when I showed up at the Firehouse this morning.

So, what have we learned. I have learned the pre-Enlightenment attitudes are alive and well in the US of A. I've learned that the Bushites are extremely ungracious and bitter winners. I've learned that Charlie's Angels is on at 2:30 AM.

There is a bright side to this epic disaster. We will have Dubya to kick around for four more years. Just think of the potential for Stockton & Tweed. We do plan on announcing a new Blog before the end of the year and hope our regular readers will continue to stop by.

We fought the good fight, with good men and women (and Rusty). We were right, and the south and square states were wrong. Unfortunately, the Electoral College is not favorable at this time. I'd rather lose with Kerry than win with Bush. I can sleep at night and have no reason for shame.

Finally, I've learned that at least one poll from the past week was dead on accurate: the Right Direction - Wrong Direction poll had a clear trend towards Wrong Direction (in the low to mid 50's) Yesterday that trend continued. America is clearly on the wrong track.

I've read many rants and raves from both sides (and they are sides, we are not united and I for one can find little to no common ground with the Bushites) but Stockton prefers to endure America's humiliation with stoic dignity until this interim junta is gone and America elects a person we can be proud of.

It's a sad day when the majority of American males don't want to lick bush. They'll never know what they're missing.

By Tweed
Reporting from Occupied Territory

If you knew Stockton as well as I do, you'd be just as surprised as me prediction of the election was accurate.

Quite frankly, I don't know why anyone would vote for this jack-ass.

Here in Northern Virginia (a little bit of NJ in the South), I must confess some happiness with the results. While VA did not reach 47% for Kerry, Kerry won a greater percentage than Gore did in 2000, and Northern Virginia voted overwhelming for Kerry - including Fairfax County (52.6 to 46.3), which went for Bush, Dole, Bush.

Overall, disappointed, though. Looks like all the Battleground states I IDed went the other way - like my first girlfirend. Let that be a lesson to you.

And the Republicans made ground in the Reichstag as well. Bummer.

At least Stockton and I get to Lick Bush for another four years.


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Site Meter