Saturday, July 31, 2004

Science Editor - Thomas Dolby

How many times have you had diarrhea and said to yourself, "I think I'll go for a swim"? If you've never said this, or even thought it, you may be in the minority.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says more Americans — perhaps a thousand or more each year — are getting sick from public swimming pools.
That's not so many when you consider the millions of people who go swimming. However, reported pool-related outbreaks — mainly bouts of diarrhea — rose from two in 1986 to 21 in 2000, the most recent CDC statistics available. While the agency does not keep track of how many people were affected in those cases, it does know that most of the 16,800 confirmed illnesses in the 1990s linked to outbreaks in recreational waters occurred in swimming pools and spas.

The CDC analyzed 22,131 inspections conducted two years ago and found that 54 percent uncovered one or more pool safety violations, everything from filtration to chlorine problems.

"That's a shocking number for us to see — those are clearly violations that mean, 'Everybody out,'" Beach said.

Government health officials are urging pool operators and swimmers to do more to prevent the spread of disease. They are pressing for more regular inspections and better staff training — and encouraging swimmers to stay out of the pool when they have diarrhea.

This summer, the Lawrence-Douglas County health department has been trying to help pool operators and swimmers learn how to keep their pools germ-free. The No. 1 message: Don't swim if you have diarrhea.

"We know last year they had been swimming when they had diarrhea. That is really, really not something to do," said W. Kay Kent, health department director.
Twenty-six children became sick from an E. coli outbreak at a popular water park in Marietta, Ga., six years ago. State health officials determined the pool had been contaminated by human feces around one of the pool's slides.

Florida, the largest pool state in the Southeast with a million residential and commercial pools, faces many healthy swimming challenges. Hotel pools quickly fill up with tourists who aren't used to being around a swimming pool, said Wendy Parker, spokeswoman for the Florida Swimming Pool Association.

Most people were shocked when they learned they were swimming in others feces.

Others were less concerned. "Listen," said Tom Winans, "when I get....that not-so-fresh feeling, I know I'm sore and nasty down there. It feels good to cool off with a swim. What's the big deal? Isn't that what chlorine is for?"

The CDC has also alerted local public pools to better train their maintenance personnel, who usually lack the expertise to deal with this situation.

Better training of maintenance
personnel may help

In related news, new shark repellant tested. Yes, for those who like to swim wearing 'chum' suits, help has arrived.


Friday, July 30, 2004

By Stockton

Now that former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger has been cleared of all wrong doing, a new accusation has arisen. According to sources close to the Administration, Berger is now being investigated for possibly smuggling weapons of mass destruction out of Iraq on the eve of the Iraq War.

"It's just something we're looking into," said White House Secretary of Desperation, Scott McClellan. "Berger could have been in Iraq and he is known to wear suits with big pockets."

The FBI released a statement indicating that the investigation into the identity of the White House operative that outed counter-terrorism expert Valerie Plame would be put on hold so the latest Berger allegations could be fully investigated.

News story originally posted by Atrios


"Reporting for Duty."

"Where's my weekend Pass?"

By Stockton

To the dismay of many, the College Board is revising the SAT exam. The notorious exam is a rite of passage for high school students and usually a major factor in determine college admissions.

The SAT traditionally tested students on verbal and math skills. Now, an essay portion and a civics multiple choice portion will be added. Needless to say, high school juniors are stressed at the thought of a new test.

"This friggin' sucks," said 16 year old Samantha Lavin, who hopes to major in communications. "It really, friggin' sucks. Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!"

Simon Miler took it in stride. "I good at the talkin' part so I's just need help with the numbers part."

Students aren't the only ones upset. Their parents aren't pleased at all.

"I got 1360 on my SAT's," said Vernon Downs, the father of two high school students. "Now they're upping the high score to 2400 and they're letting queers get married. How am I supposed to explain this to my kids. They'll think I'm a retard."

The new test is designed not only to test math and verbal skills, but to help students become active participants in public life: Good Citizens.


1. If Tomania has a population of 25 million people, 8% of which are evildoers, how many troops will it take to invade and successfully occupy Tomania? How long will it take?

a) 120,000 troops, if we are firm in our resolve, and 6 months;
b) Less than 120,000 if the Albanians help, and 1 year;
c) Who cares, oil revenue will pay for it all;
d) 80,000 troops and they'll greet us with flowers.
e) None of the above;
f) Why do you hate America?

2. The President is to the United States what:

a) Fredo Corleone is to the Corleone Family; 
b) Ken Lay is to Enron;
c) Potsie is to Happy Days;
d) Cheney is to the United States;
e) Dudley Dooright is to the Mounties.

3. Finish the following sentence: "Watch out! That pit is filled with ____."

a) nukuler waste;
b) Enron accountants;
c) Salsa;
d) Evil doers wanting to commissionate acts of terrah;
e) Anti-matter.

4. The Federal Government is composed of three branches, the Executive Branch, Legislative Branch and;

a) The Holy Ghost;
b) Michelle Branch;
c) Branch Rickey;
d) Olive Branch;
e) Judaica Branch

5.  If the base of a naked human pyramid is nine men wide, and each successive layer is one less than the layer underneath, how many penis' are there?

a) Eleventy;
b) Shazaam;
c) Twelveteen;
d) Five and 3/4;
e) Penis Aplenty.

6. What was the immediate result of the Russian Revolution?

a) The people overthrew the Czar;
b) The people overthrew the Tsar;
c) Both a & b;
d) Neither a or b;
e) The Tsar overthrew the Czar.

How well did you do?

The Editors

George Lucas has finally announced the title of his last installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. The Yahoo news article is fairly bland. Yet, one paragraph struck the Editors cold. In fact it haunts us, even days after reading it for the first time. We simply cannot stop thinking about this particular paragraph:

"I thought it was great, I loved it,' said Barren Wright, 35, a graphic designer from Modesto who was dressed as the green-armored bounty hunter Boba Fett. "This takes it back to the classic trilogy, It's a smart move by Lucasfilm to tie it all together since the logo and everything is identical to 'Return of the Jedi.'

The first thing that struck us was Mr. Wright's self-absorption. "I thought it was great, I loved it." It's all about you, isn't it Barren?

Secondly, the name; Barren Wright. Is it real or an alias? Barren Wright - Barrow Wight? And does his first name intimate a low or non existent sperm count? Is he nobility? 

Third, the age, thirty-five (35) in conjunction with his attire, Boba Fett. The words, '35' and 'dressed as the green-armored bounty hunter Boba Fett' must never, ever, appear in the same sentence. Chilling.

Fourth, his approval of George Lucas, "It's a smart move by Lucas Film." Yes, Barren, men who create billion-dollar franchises that have a thirty-five year old man dressed like a green-armored bounty hunter tend to make smart moves - and lots of money.

Finally, Mr. Wright's need for closure is, well, womanly. "It's a smart move by LucasFilm to tie it all together...." What's the matter? Can't stand some ambiguity in your life? Need that final wrap-up to be neat and tidy? You were dumped in high school and never got over it, weren't you? Do you still play Dungeons & Dragons? 

We do not know Barren Wright, yet, our loathing is immeasurable.   


Thursday, July 29, 2004

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry has accepted the Democratic Nomination for President of the United States. Repeat. Senator Kerry has accepted the Democratic Nomination for President of the United States.

By Tweed

After a barrage of criticism for his calling out a 7th grader for a backstreet brawl, and facing a debate with the young, handsome and charismatic John Edwards, Vice President Cheney is trying to show a more human side to his personality. Campaign officials hope that Cheney's attempt at softening his image will not only raise his popularity, but make inroads into the women's vote, a traditional Democratic constituency.  

Vice President Cheney show-cased his new image at a press conference in Charwell, OH during a campaign stop.  "I just flew in from Peoria, and boy are my arms tired wait for laugh," Cheney told a crowd of blue collar workers.  "What's the matter," asked the Vice President leaving the text of his script when he received only a few snickers and scattered claps, "don't you bastards have a sense of humor."

Cheney had planned on shocking some ordinary voters with a hand-buzzer.  "It didn't quite work," said Joseph Farnsworther, a republican consultant to Cheney's campaign team, "I guess the novelty item was . . . well . . .  a novelty to the Vice President.  He just handed the guy the hand buzzer."

Cheney Missplays the Old Hand Buzzer Gag
Nevertheless, aides say that the Vice President's attempts have had some success.   "We definitely got the sense that the audience was less scared of him than they usually are," said Farnsworther.  "And when he walked through the rose garden, not all the flowers wilted and died." Still, even Farnsworth acknowledged that there is room for improvement.

Cheney Explaining Exactly Why
the Chicken Crossed the Road

"Look," said Farnsworth, "we're working hard, he's working hard; but we all have to remember that we don't have a lot of raw material to work with. This is a painful transformation. His smile muscles have atrophied and it might take awhile.  And let's face it, he's a mean old son-of-a-bitch to begin with."

Cheney Working on
His Smile with Aides

Cheney isn't just telling jokes to soften his image. He's stopped kicking puppies in front of reporters, eats his steak cooked rather than raw and has temporarily ceased his weekly formaldehyde injections. The biggest change of all might be cosmetic. Long considered the Bela Lugosi of American politics, Cheney plans on wearing more pastels, tuning in to Dr. Phil and donning some rouge before television appearances. Cheney has also taken to sleeping above ground during the night and is being gradually reintroduced to sunlight.

How much sunlight can Cheney be exposed
to before November 2? That's the question
weighing on the Bush-Cheney campaign.

From the Editors

In the spirit of Presidential politics, elections and conventions, the Editors of LB in '04 bring the LB in '04 American Heritage Presidential Rankings List. After minutes of thought, analysis and almost no research, Stockton & Tweed have identified a number of pertinent categories by which U.S. presidents should be judged and have listed the top five presidents for each of those categories:


1. Abraham Lincoln
2. George Washington
3. Franklin Roosevelt
4. James K. Polk
5. Theodore Roosevelt


1. Warren Harding
2. James Buchanan
3. Franklin Pierce
4. Andrew Johnson
5. W

1. William Jefferson Clinton
2. John F. Kennedy
3. Andrew Jackson
4. Frank Sinatra
5. William McKinley


1. Millard Fillmore
2. Herbert Hoover
3. Calvin Coolidge
4. Rutherford B. Hayes
5. Woodrow Wilson 


1. Richard Nixon
2. James Carter
3. John Adams
4. Woodrow Wilson 
5. Albert Gore


1. John Kennedy
2. William Clinton
3. Harry Truman
4. Lyndon Johnson
5. Abraham Lincoln

1. John Kennedy
2. William Clinton 
3. Frank Sinatra
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. James K. Polk


1. John Kennedy
2. Frank Sinatra


1. George Harrison
2. Richard Garfield
3. Rutherford B. Hayes
4. Samuel Tilden
5. Grover Clelland








By Stockton

John Kerry arrived in Boston on Wednesday to accept his party's nomination for President of the United States. Arriving with Senator Kerry were Navy veterans who served under Kerry during the Vietnam War.

Not to be outdone, George W. Bush has made special arrangements to showcase his own military record.

"We have a lot of things planned that just might surprise the Democrats," said Ed Gillespie, Republican National Committee Chairman. "Kerry's not the only one who served during the Vietnam War."

Although details are sketchy, some of the plans for the Republican National Convention have leaked to the press.

When President Bush arrives in New York in August, he will be accompanied by: Dr. Spessard Devlin, the Alabama National Guard Dentist who examined the President's teeth in 1973 and the only person who can vouch for his whereabouts during 1972-1973: 

National Guard Dentist "The President had strong teeth."
Following Dr. Devlin will be United States Congressman Tom Delay and Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss, hoisting placards adorned with Bush's 1973 dental records:

Delay and Chambliss: "Proud to carry Bush's Records."
Finally, bringing up the rear will be Department of Defense Records Clerk Nicholas Turner, who bravely searched over 120,000 documents, but still failed to locate the President's National Guard records.

Nick Turner: file clerk with a mission impossible
A proposal to showcase the Maine Trooper who arrested the President for Driving Under the Influence and the Judge who imposed the fine is still being discussed. Both the trooper and judge have shown interest in appearing with the former perpetrator.

Trooper and Judge may also appear with the President.

Former President Clinton's Dental Office could not be
reached for comment.


Wednesday, July 28, 2004

By Stockton

When 12 year-old Llana Wexler chastised Vice-President Dick Cheney Tuesday night at the Democratic National Convention for using foul language, the Bush-Cheney war room kicked-it into high gear.

Vowing that no attack would go unanswered, a Bush-Cheney investigation team was quickly dispatched to Wexler's hometown of Oakland, California.

"If Miss Wexler wants to play hardball," said Bush-Cheney spokesman Lawrence Wood, "we say, Bring It On!"

Wood continues:

"Our investigation has uncovered some things that Wexler should have thought about before she opened her little yap. Two sources tell us she kissed a boy on the check. Not once, but twice! She's been spotted leaving the room without turning off the lights.  She's left her naked barbie doll on her front lawn. How is a decent, hardworking Oaklander supposed to explain that to his children? And, her voting record is a joke. The Vice-President is prepared to meet Ms. Wexler one on one in a debate, if she's got the guts to show. If not, she can fuck off."

The Vice-President's Office confirmed that Mr. Cheney would be willing to debate Ms. Wexler, if her 7th Grade schedule permitted. "No deferment," said Cheney. "I'll be there. I'm always willing to fight for what I believe in!"

Cheney, ready to take on 12 year old!
"That's just the kind of man the Vice-President is," said Wood. "If you want to know what Cheney would have done in Vietnam, watch what he does to Wexler!"

By Stockton

In a sign that things are getting better in Iraq, the Iraqi Television Network unveiled its upcoming fall schedule. The schedule is well-rounded and includes not only dramas and comedies, but a smattering of "reality" based shows that are so popular in the United States. Some of the highlights include:

A Jew in the Family 
What happens when the daughter of Fundamentalist Cleric Akhmed Barzib marries Ira Goldberg, a young jew from Brooklyn, New York and the young couple has to move in with her family? Zany antics ensue as Akhmed splits his time between the Mosque and attempting to have his unemployed son-in-law assassinated.

Guess Who's the Infidel
Ten randomly selected Iraqi's live together for ten weeks. Each week they undergo a series of challenges. The winner gets immunity, the loser is hacked to death with machetes. But, one of them is a Christian and the ultimate winner has to guess which one is the infidel.

Will you be able to guess the Infidel?

Dude, Where's My Camel
In this "coming of age" teen comedy, two friends go on a continuous search for their stolen camel. Whacky situations are this comedy's weekly fare, as they buddies exact revenge upon various people they mistakenly believe stole their camel. 

Will Jamal and Abdul find their camel? Tune in.

When Good Suicide Bombings Go Bad
A camera crew follows a group of four young suicide bombers as they prepare to detonate themselves in front of police stations. Improper mixing of explosive materials and defective detonation equipment may make this a short-lived show.



By Tweed

Barack Obama, Illinois Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate and self professed skinny kid with funny name, beat expectations yesterday delivering a compelling speach about Democratic candidate John Kerry and the Democratic Party.  Obama's rehtorical skills took many by surprise, and left many, who bet Howard Dean's speach would be more valuable, scrambling to recover their loses.

Obama Stock is Rising

"I really thought the yeller would have a good convention speach and at least meet analysts' expectations," said one investor.  "I thought I was playing it safe." 

Many republican investors, betting against the success of Obama, took a big a hit.  "I wash sure that Dean was their guy, that he would really pull through with a good speach - but after a lot of hype and great movement before the opening bell of his speach he fell flat," said one GOP operative.  "Where are my sound bites about the U.S. not being safer?"

Analysts note that many initial offerings eventually fall flat after initial hype, and that Obama's true test will come as the market has a chance to review longer term performance.  "Time will tell whether Obama's successful offering was the prelude to a great investment," said Pilsbury, LB in 04 political commentator. "But his fundamentals look good - which was Dean's problem."

In related news, Obama rebuffed overtures from the GOP market, noting that it did not offer enough portfolio diversity for index investors; investors Obama is trying to lure.


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

By Tweed

President Bush's Boston "war room" in Boston, set up to be closer to the Democratic Convention is having problems.

"We've been having problems getting office space," said Arch Stanton, head of Bush's efforts in Boston, "so we're working out of an office the Dole campaign was still leasing; but we lose power all the time, the phones don't work, we have rats and we think the building may be condemned."
Stanton said that the problems with the building were nothing compared with the problems campaign workers were having on the streets.  "It's like a war zone out there - not that any of us have ever actually been in a war zone, but from movies and things, you get a pretty good idea.  I saw Saving Private Ryan twice.  The people here don't seem to like us."

War room workers have taken to wearing disguises, some better than others, when leaving the office.  "I know how much they like their baseball here, so I wear my Bill Buckner uniform and mask whenever I can," said one worker with noticeable bruises on his face, "but it doesn't work too well."  Other disguises have proven to be just as ineffective to shield the workers from angry New Englanders.  Arch Stanton's cowboy disguise got him nowhere.

"We just can't seem to move in this city without being noticed as Bush supporters," said one worker wearing twelve Bush-Cheney pins, "its like they can read our minds."

Bush War Room Workers Attempt to Blend Into the Crowd in
Boston's Back Bay Neighborhood


Once again, Jen from Good Intentions  comes to the rescue of our fashion challenged readers. Recently invited to a Klan rally, but don't have a thing to wear? Do you love the sensuous touch of polyester against your flesh, but worry about the shame and stigma of that forbidden passion? Or are you a lactose-intolerant Wisconsin delegate to the Democratic Convention and loathe to wear the Cheese Hat? Sit back and relax. Jen is in the house! 

Jen's fashion policy, much like our own, is one of pre-emption. We simply cannot sit by and wait for someone to make a fashion error.  We will do whatever it takes to ensure this nation wears fashionable, form-fitting attire. 

Dear Jen:

I recently met a lovely man. He's a Republican, has good family values, good morals and is deeply religious. Next weekend he wants to show me off to his friends at a cross-burning. The trouble is, loose white sheets make me look hippy. Any help would be appreciated.


KKKrazy in South Carolina


Traditional Klan attire can make a young mother
look a bit frumpy.

Dear KKKrazy in South Carolina,
Have no fear!  I have a simple way for you to cover up your hips while wearing a free flowing sheet.  Use a rope-belt, similar to what Jesus wore.  This will help define your waist, which will draw attention away from your hips.  If your boyfriend inquires about the rope-belt, tell him you may need it for a lynching.



However, we caution that there are limits to Klan attire. Certain colors do not lend themselves to intimidation and can even open you to ridicule. Jen suggests sticking to classic white, even after Labor Day.

Klan? Or Massachusetts bound for nuptuals?

Dear Jen:

My mother was never political, until this year. Now, she is a staunch Bush supporter. I noticed that about the time of her political awakening, she began wearing double-knit, polyester pant suits. Do you think the polyester may have caused her conservatism or did her conservatism cause her to wear polyester? Why can't Republican women dress?


Daughter of Polyester Polly


Dear Daughter of Polyester Polly,

My guess is that your Mother's wearing of Polyester has nothing to do with her political affiliation.  A quick check of google shows "polyester" + "Republicans" gets 2,830 hits, while "polyester" + "Democrats" gets 4,630 hits.  I have nothing to offer except that your Mother has bad taste, pure and simple.  Perhaps the polyester will cause her to become a Democrat.

Jen, is of course, correct. But upon further analysis, Jen discovered a fine-line between Democratic polyester and Republican Polyester.

A Democratic Gal in the demon fabric


GOP girl shows off her polyester


Dear Jen
We're delegates to the Democratic Convention, from Wisconsin, don't yah know. Many of the delegates from Wisconsin will be wearing "Wisconsin Swiss Cheese Hats". We're both lactose intolerant, yah, and don't feel like wearing the hats. Our question is, is it ever appropriate to wear dairy products anywhere at any time? If so, what kind of dairy?


Daisy and Gloria, Don't Yah Know


Dear Daisy and Gloria,

There are only two ways to wear dairy.  One, as you have mentioned, is to wear a cheese-head, but this is only appropriate when the Pack is playing.  The second way is to wear a milk mustache.  You can achieve this effect by consuming Lactaid, a milk for those who are lactose-intolerant, or Soy Milk, but make sure to get the regular milk color as the Vanilla soy milk is too yellow in color to pass for real milk.


As always, Jen is right. Dairy and faux-dairy must only be worn at a Packers game and then, preferably, only at a home game. However, beware men. Placing a piece of cheese on your head screams, "I've never touched a woman!"

Destined for a life of self-abuse?

Cheese, as a fashion "don't" cuts across every layer of society, rich - poor - white - black - Christian - Jew. Mostly, it'll make you look like a real wanker.

Confirming what we already knew. Wanker-in-Chief ?


If you have a question for Jen, please write LB in '04.

By Stockton

Lost within the pages of the 9/11 Report is the conclusion that Republican obsessions with Bill Clinton's sex life  undermined the fight against terrorism and Osama bin Laden. The report indicates that Clinton was hampered in the fight against terrorism by a Republican Congress obsessed with his wee-wee. Instead of helping the President battle terrorism, the Republican Congress only shouted charges of "wag the dog" whenever military action was taken against our enemies.  

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) strongly disagrees with that assessment. "Oral sex, especially outside of marriage is as big a danger to this country as anything terrorists could possibly do." The hairy-palmed, near-sighted Republican is known to prefer more traditional sexual practices and  is a courageous crusader against the growing epidemic of man-dog sex.

Does this relationship undermine security?

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a physician, agrees. "I'm no prude," said Frist. "Oral sex is a danger because it undermines knee integrity. We'll soon have a generation with acute knee problems. What's going to happen if we're attacked and half the population has a torn medial meniscus?"

The 9/11 Report  concludes however, that oral sex is not a danger.

"We do not conclude that oral sex undermines our national security. Indeed, it may enhance our safety. If Monica Lewinsky, or a Lewinsky type person, was on those flights, it's hard to imagine those planes would have been flown into buildings. Not on purpose, that's for sure." (pp. 87-88)

Democrats unanimously agreed with the reports conclusion.

Most Americans are simply confused by the report and tired of partisan bickering.

Hank Peters, a truck driver from Muncie, IN, heard the news with disbelief. "First, I had to explain to my kids about Clinton and Lewinsky," said the Father of three. "Next, I had to talk about 9/11. Then I had to explain why guys were marrying guys in Massachusetts. Now I have to explain why those creepy Republicans were so interested in Lewinsky that it may have caused 9/11. I'm spending a lot of time talking with my kids  and I want it to stop."

Dr. Emil Johnson, a psychologist, is studying the Republican attitude towards sex. "It's fascinating," said Johnson. "Their is a deep moral rigidity stemming from their infant environment that inhibits action but fails to inhibit thought processes."

Asked for clarification, Johnson said, "They think about it but aren't getting any. Plus, they're just creepy when it comes to sex. It probably stems from a deep hatred of women or from lusting after their own mothers or a combination of the two. Or maybe they're just creepy."

The Commission concluded the report by recommending a series of reforms that should be implemented immediately. A day later, the Republican-led Congress adjourned for six weeks. 


Monday, July 26, 2004

By Stockton

The GOP "Big Tent" has just gotten bigger as President Bush appeals for the votes of African Americans.

"It's a natural fit," said RNC Chair Ed Gillespie. "Blacks tend to revel in low self-esteem and they like to feel like victims. What better home can they have than today's Republican Party?" Although they'll accept any votes, Gillespie pointed out that the party would prefer light-skinned blacks.

"It's just a matter of aesthetics," said Gillespie. "Condi and Colin are light-skinned. A real dark face, you know, like coal black, could screw everything up. We are making a real push for the black vote, though, if they're well behaved. Basically, we're looking for 1950's blacks. Nothing too uppitty."

The Republican push for black votes will begin at the Republican National Convention when the GOP unveils its new mascot, "Cracky the Kwanzaa Crack Pipe."  

Other initiatives will include trotting out Strom Thurmond's illegitimate black daughter. They party also has plans for a nationwide bus tour that will feature Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Vice-President Dick Cheney and Attorney General John Ashcroft. The four men will hit African American neighborhoods for a series of chicken and watermelon dinners.

Rumsfeld, Cheney Wolfowitz & Ashcroft to campaign in the "Hood"

Links and Things

LB in '04 has decided to do some interior design work. Unlike some segregationists listed below, the first links in the upper right will be those who have linked to LB in '04. We are also knocking out the back wall for a familyroom. We will be staying open and we will have the same hours.

First, it was decided that those who have linked to LB in '04 deserve our gratitude and thanks. So, without further ado; Thanks to:

Shelley, Undelay, Democratic Underground, Bluegrass Roots, I Like to WriteGood IntentionsRusty (yaaargh, still not sure about the pirate thing), LuisBuckfush and Damfacrats.

Shelley is listed first because she was the first person to link to us and we are grateful. Also, she's a babe. Initially, we tried to list our allies according to height. When that proved difficult, we did it by the order in which you linked us. We thought that was fair.

We also relocated the so called "big blogs" and others with the good taste not to link us. They are down below (to the back of the blog with you, as Steve would say).

Lickin Bush in '04 thanks all of you. It is good to know there are good and decent people (except for us) fighting the good fight in such far-off, exotic places as Georgia, Kentucky and Massachusetts. However, despite all of that, we sincerely hope that LB in '04 will be irrelevant on the morning of November 3, 2004 (Victory in America Day). If that occurs, we'll be more than happy to close our doors (unless Jeb is a series contender for 2008, then all bets are off).

Oh yes. There will now be a five dollar cover to get in LB in '04 on the weekends as we will be showcasing a variety of musical entertainment.



Friday, July 23, 2004

By Stockton & Tweed

The 911 Panel has issued its report assigning blame for the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, on American freedom and culture.  In addition to basic American freedoms, and American culture, the Panel also identified, among others, President Bush, Vice President Cheney, former President Clinton, Sandy Berger, Billy Joel, weird Al Jankovich, Michael Bolton, Pauley Shore, Thomas Jefferson, George Peppard, Joe DiMaggio, the Hairdini, Buete Montana, Ronco Corporation products, the Hudson River Valley, pet rocks, Joni Loves Chachi, the Chrysler Building, the Hardy Boys Mysteries, apple pie and Stan Luzinski of Gary, Indiana.

While the Panel generally attributed a lack of coordinated effort and political will to directly confront terrorist groups on the part of the public officials blamed, the Panel gave a variety of reasons why everyone, and everything, else deserved blamed.

Luzinski: Denies Culpability

"Billy Joel's last few albums really just stunk - and that created a depressing atmosphere that hampered sharp thinking," said Fred Fielding, a member of the Panel.  "We really wish he stuck to things like 'Only a Woman' and 'The Stranger'."

Commission Says Maybe
He Did Start the Fire

"After hours of testimony," Fielding also noted, "we reached the conclusion that it made sense for someone to want to destroy the country that produced both Michael Bolton and Pauley Shore.  Heck, I want to kill them." 

Panel Chair, former Governor Keane of New Jersey, singled out weird Al for special condemnation.  "weird Al, by breaking a number of taboos, gave a false impression that all Americans were, . . . Well . . . Weird - and that caused a lot of hatred."

More Concerned With Liberty
Than With Safety of Country

The reasons others made the list were equally varied:

Thomas Jefferson: committed to individual liberty and freedom.
George Peppard: followed-up Breakfast at Tiffany's with A-Team
Joni Loves Chachi: really bad show
Joe DiMaggio: set standards for center-fielders too high.

"DiMaggio's conduct really stands out," noted Panel member and former US Senator Bob Kerrey.  "The feeling of worthlessness when compared to DiMaggio's play was too much for the psychological well-being of people who are willing to strap bombs to their body."

The Hairdini: 
Too Much to Bear

While the Panel spread the blame, reaction was quick from the White House and other government officials.  Vice President Cheney began the barrage of White House attacks by reviving the claim that Fred Fielding is "Deep Throat," and claiming that John Kerry has voted for every tax ever considered by the US Congress since its inception.

The Yankee Clipper: 
Set Baseball Standard Too High
for Safety of Country

In a press release, the Chrysler Building denied any wrongdoing and asserted that to the extent it was involved in any way with the terrorist attacks that it was doing what every other building happened to be doing:  "Chrysler Building believes that this is an unwarranted attack on Chrysler Building, Woolworth Building, Sears Tower, Prudential Building and the other buildings named in the report.  As buildings, we resent the implications of the report."

The Bear Mountain Bridge in the
Lower Hudson River Valley Was
Singled Out for Particular Blame

Political analysts believe that the Panel's report will have little impact on the 2004 election because of the broad scope of the blame it suggests.  "When we can point to the acts of Buster Keaton, Paris Glendening, Miles Davis, Frank Lloyd Wright and Herman Melville as causes of the 911 attacks, the criticism of the President is blunted," noted LB in 04 political commentator Pilsbury.

The corpse of Harry Truman could not be reached for comment.

According to Commission, Kind of Blue
Failed to Impress Islamic Fundamentalists

Lee Hamilton and other members of the Panel were very pointed in the breadth of their criticism.  "We must all recognize," said Hamilton, "that we are all of us to blame in some way or other - whether it was by watching that Pauly Shore movie, visiting the Yellowstone or reading about Lincoln's Second inaugural address."   Hamilton went on to site his own daliances with white-boy hip-hop showing a picture of himself with a Vanilla Ice haircut.

Cute Kids Cartoon or Spark for
Islamic Hatred

In talking about the breadth of blame, Panel member Goerlick also pointed out the roll of Americas natural beauty.  "Rolling planes of wheat and grain, majestic mountains, the northern California and Oregon coast line, not to mention smaller but equally impressive spots - the natural bridge in Virginia, Mt. St. Helens national monument and the Bear Mountain Bridge nestled over a narrow portion of the Hudson River.  Compare all that to one big desert."

Panel Members Considered
Who May Really Be Buried
in Grant's Tomb

Hamilton also spoke briefly about the extent of the work of the Panel.  "We left no stone unturned, no question un-asked, no cultural icon [un]examined.  We understood from the beginning that the cause of all of this mess has been our great success as a nation - politically, culturally and historically.  Our report lists those aspects of our country particularly deserving of blame.  And the Amish - don't get me started on them; they're getting their own report."

Unwitting Contributors
to Terrorist Attacks

The Panel report also addressed the issue of moving forward and the steps needed to be taken to prevent terrorist attacks in the future.  "Basically," said Fielding, "we need to stifle all free speech on the basis of David Koresh's or some other nut-job's reading of the bible, we need to re-tool our government agencies so that they operate on the basis of bribes, we need to ensure that whoever becomes president next stays there for as long as he likes and we need to establish a secret police force - and, oh yeah, we need to destroy all of our natural resources."

By Stockton

Watch out ladies. When you pack your man's luggage for his "business trip" to the Far East, don't forget the Trojans. It appears your sweethearts are bringing more home than Bangkok-Hilton ashtrays and "My Dad went to Bangkok and all I got was this Stupid Tee Shirt" shirts.

"I'm so angry," said Midge Johnson, a housewife from Mobile, Alabama. "Hank went to Thailand on business four months ago. He said aluminum siding was real big in Thailand and he wanted a piece of the action."

"It must have been the toilet seats," said Hank Johnson. "Or....no....the bedsheats. They never changed the sheets while I was there."

Hank Johnson, like so many other good husbands, now suffers from a particularly virulent strain of Syphilis.

"This strain has us worried," noted Dr. Bennett McKenzie. "It's new, it strong and when we first looked at slides, we were astonished."

New strain of Syphilis, seen under microscopic condition

Some business men are taking it in stride. Nino Galucci shrugs. "I fucked up. I thought, hey, why use a rubba'? I mean, when's the next time I'm gonna be in Thailand."

Dr. McKenzie is now trying to educate the west on the dangers involved in traveling in the Far East. "There is something sexy and exotic about Asian women," said McKenzie. "Many western men can't resist their allure. But, you have to be careful or we're going to see a new STD epidemic."

Can western business men resist the exotic women of the Far East?

LB in '04 is currently planning an investigative trip to the Far East to further report on this matter.


Thursday, July 22, 2004

By Tweed

For all of you interested in the hullaballu over Florida voting records, check out this July 22, 2004 post at DC Political Report

Intent to Defraud: The private company that helped build the now discarded "potential" felons list in Florida claims that state election officials knew about the design flaws which would exclude Hispanics since 1998. The company discussed the difficulties involving Hispanic felons with the Secretary of State's office in late 1997 or early 1998.  Story Here. The state also knew about flaws in the touch screen voting machines before they were purchased.  Election officials bought them despite knowledge that the machines recorded cases in which no vote was cast at a higher rate than some other machines. Story Here. Because of this pattern and practice by Secretary of State Glenda Hood (R-FL), some have calls for her removal. Story Here.

Florida Election Official

By Stockton

West Virginia, a "Red" Family Values State has been torturing chickens. Pilgrim's Pride's Abu Ghraib Plant in Moorefield, West Virginia was the site of some of the war on terror's most viscous torture. However, some at the plant defend their actions. 

"We're in a war," said plant manager Enos Bogen. "These chickens had information and we were going to get it."

Other employees blame the abuse on the failure of the Federal Marriage Amendment.

"Ever since they didn't pass that anti-queer thing-a-ma-bob, I've been going after chickens," admitted one employee who wished to remain nameless. "My marriage is worthless and the chickens will suffer."

The Pentagon denies giving the green light for the interrogation techniques and will be investigating. On condition of anonymity, one Pentagon official indicated that the go-ahead for the abuse, "may go pretty far up the chain of command."

Did the Colonel know?

From the editors: We at LB in '04 deplore this senseless, viscous cruelty and believe the torturers should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Hopefully, that will include substantial jail time and pyschoanalysis. It would not surprise the Editors if there wasn't a future serial killer within the ranks of the involved employees. Torture should never be tolerated, but when it is perpetrated against those who cannot fight back or don't even understand what is happening, it is simply unforgivable.

By Pilsbury
Congressman Ney, nominated by the editors of LB in 04 for its annual patriotism award for his brave stand against the un-american labelling of potato-strip-deep-fried treats as "French" Fries, may be stripped of his nomination by Stockton & Tweed.  The LB in 04 editors are claiming that Congressman Ney's support of a House Bill condeming any talk of postponing the 2004 presidential election due to a terrorist attack may be so blatantly un-patriotic that it renders meaningless his stand against Frankish treason.

Are Freedom Fries Losing 
Their Oily Shine?
"We're very disappointed with Congressman Ney," said Stockton, "he just seems to have lost his way."
Tweed added more detail to the editors' analysis:  "We don't understand how someone who was so brave and patriotic in the past could change so momentously.  I mean, come on - if there were a terrorist attack we'd have to postpone the election.  Granted, not having to ask for "French" fries anymore would help, but how could we survive the turmoil of a national election during war time?  It's simply not been done.  And it might jeopardize President Bush's relection."
After it was pointed out that presidential elections occurred during the Civil War, World War II, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, Tweed noted that "those were not wars against terrorists."
Although both Stockton and Tweed appear to be very disappointed with Congressman Ney's behavior, both swore that his nomination would stand until they had reviewed, and reached a determination in accordance with, the LB in 04 Official Rulebook and Guide to the LB in 04 Annual Patriotism Award and Cookbook.

Stockton & Tweed are simultaneously considering another House Republican to replace Congressman Ney's nomination.  A House Committee headed by Tom Davis (R-Virginia) has now convened to investigate former NSA head Sandy Berger's handling of certain secret documents.  Said Davis, "when brave American women and men are fighting the forces of evil overseas, it is important that this Congress not shirk from its duty to investigate non-criminal behavior that resulted in no loss of information or revelations of government secrets and which is already the subject of a Department of Justice investigation that was started months ago after the treasonous suspect apprised authorities of his own dubious behavior." 

Thank God for Congressmen like Tom Davis!

Tom Davis. 
The Flag Means He's Patriotic.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

By Stockton & Tweed
Worried about what to wear for election day?  Curious about whether Cheney's blue striped tie is out of fashion?  Concerned about where all those Lamar Alexander flannels went?  Never fear - Jen is here!
Let's give a Bush Lickin' welcome to Jen, LB in 04's new Chief Forensic Fashion Reviewer and Commentator.
We at LB in 04' scoured our readership (all six of you) to find that special someone who could let us know all of the fashion faux pas' of the political scene - and Jen seemed like the best bet.
Jen's first assignment was to answer some questions that had been plaguing the minds of LB in 04' editors Stockton and Tweed:
S&T:  If the terror level changes, LB in 04 readers won't know what to wear.  Can you give our readers some tips for proper attire for Terror Level Green and Terror Level Fuscha? Does it matter if it is before or after Labor Day?
Confused LB in 04 Reader

Jen:  He can be President.  Next question.
S&T:  Many politicians are wearing light blue ties.  I've been wearing light blue ties for years, have I been, accidently, more fashionable than my red tie wearing colleagues?
Jen:  Light blue ties look great with dark grey suits.  Also, the color of your tie should reflect your political persuasion, which is why Bush is fond of dark blood red ties and Nader likes to wear green ties.
Stocton:  You mean like this suit I'm wearing in this picture of me, that hot guy?

Stockton? Tweed? Or Some 
Other Dude? 

S&T:  You mentioned that the candidate for an Illinois Senate seat would not be elected because he wore tights.  What if she's really hot?
Jen:  A hot woman could wear sweats and still be hot, so yes.. tights would be ok on her.

New GOP Litmus Test: 
Does She Look Good in Sweats?
S&T:  Many terrorists like to hide their faces with elaborate head-wear - almost an extension of a turbin.  Do you think that this will be a new fashion craze among young, white, middle-class males?
Jen:  Yes.  White, middle class males, particularly upper middle class, are constantly trying to rebel against their upbringing, which is why many of these suburbanites try their emulate their more urban counterparts by doing lines of coke while wearing a chain wallet.  Unfortunately, this does not make up for the fact that they're wearing boxers from the Banana Republica.

Upper Middle Class Teen or Real Terrorist?
S&T:  I've been called before the Senate Intelligence Committee to explain my intelligence failures. What do I wear?
Jen:  Horned rimmed glasses, which will make you look intelligent.

Too Smart to Have Allowed for
Intelligence Failures
S&T:  Will chain mail ever be "in" again? How do I accessorize?
Jen:  Chain mail will never, has never, been in.
S&T:  Hmmmm.  We suspect this may be one of those things where women may be able to pull it off, 

Chain Mail Fashion Winner
but men can't:

Could Men Not Have the Right Stuff for Chain Mail Fashions?

S&T:  If they're wearing identical clothes, how do I determine if a man is gay or just British?
Jen:  His teeth.

Gay or Just British?;
Check his Teeth
WOW!  I can't wait for the conventions!


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