Tuesday, July 27, 2004
By Stockton
Lost within the pages of the 9/11 Report is the conclusion that Republican obsessions with Bill Clinton's sex life undermined the fight against terrorism and Osama bin Laden. The report indicates that Clinton was hampered in the fight against terrorism by a Republican Congress obsessed with his wee-wee. Instead of helping the President battle terrorism, the Republican Congress only shouted charges of "wag the dog" whenever military action was taken against our enemies.
Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) strongly disagrees with that assessment. "Oral sex, especially outside of marriage is as big a danger to this country as anything terrorists could possibly do." The hairy-palmed, near-sighted Republican is known to prefer more traditional sexual practices and is a courageous crusader against the growing epidemic of man-dog sex.
Does this relationship undermine security?
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a physician, agrees. "I'm no prude," said Frist. "Oral sex is a danger because it undermines knee integrity. We'll soon have a generation with acute knee problems. What's going to happen if we're attacked and half the population has a torn medial meniscus?"
The 9/11 Report concludes however, that oral sex is not a danger.
"We do not conclude that oral sex undermines our national security. Indeed, it may enhance our safety. If Monica Lewinsky, or a Lewinsky type person, was on those flights, it's hard to imagine those planes would have been flown into buildings. Not on purpose, that's for sure." (pp. 87-88)
Democrats unanimously agreed with the reports conclusion.
Most Americans are simply confused by the report and tired of partisan bickering.
Hank Peters, a truck driver from Muncie, IN, heard the news with disbelief. "First, I had to explain to my kids about Clinton and Lewinsky," said the Father of three. "Next, I had to talk about 9/11. Then I had to explain why guys were marrying guys in Massachusetts. Now I have to explain why those creepy Republicans were so interested in Lewinsky that it may have caused 9/11. I'm spending a lot of time talking with my kids and I want it to stop."
Dr. Emil Johnson, a psychologist, is studying the Republican attitude towards sex. "It's fascinating," said Johnson. "Their is a deep moral rigidity stemming from their infant environment that inhibits action but fails to inhibit thought processes."
Asked for clarification, Johnson said, "They think about it but aren't getting any. Plus, they're just creepy when it comes to sex. It probably stems from a deep hatred of women or from lusting after their own mothers or a combination of the two. Or maybe they're just creepy."
The Commission concluded the report by recommending a series of reforms that should be implemented immediately. A day later, the Republican-led Congress adjourned for six weeks.
