Tuesday, July 27, 2004
ASK THE FORENSIC FASHION EXPERT
Once again, Jen from Good Intentions comes to the rescue of our fashion challenged readers. Recently invited to a Klan rally, but don't have a thing to wear? Do you love the sensuous touch of polyester against your flesh, but worry about the shame and stigma of that forbidden passion? Or are you a lactose-intolerant Wisconsin delegate to the Democratic Convention and loathe to wear the Cheese Hat? Sit back and relax. Jen is in the house!
Jen's fashion policy, much like our own, is one of pre-emption. We simply cannot sit by and wait for someone to make a fashion error. We will do whatever it takes to ensure this nation wears fashionable, form-fitting attire.
Traditional Klan attire can make a young mother
look a bit frumpy.
Klan? Or Massachusetts bound for nuptuals?
As always, Jen is right. Dairy and faux-dairy must only be worn at a Packers game and then, preferably, only at a home game. However, beware men. Placing a piece of cheese on your head screams, "I've never touched a woman!"
Destined for a life of self-abuse?
Cheese, as a fashion "don't" cuts across every layer of society, rich - poor - white - black - Christian - Jew. Mostly, it'll make you look like a real wanker.
Confirming what we already knew. Wanker-in-Chief ?
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Once again, Jen from Good Intentions comes to the rescue of our fashion challenged readers. Recently invited to a Klan rally, but don't have a thing to wear? Do you love the sensuous touch of polyester against your flesh, but worry about the shame and stigma of that forbidden passion? Or are you a lactose-intolerant Wisconsin delegate to the Democratic Convention and loathe to wear the Cheese Hat? Sit back and relax. Jen is in the house!
Jen's fashion policy, much like our own, is one of pre-emption. We simply cannot sit by and wait for someone to make a fashion error. We will do whatever it takes to ensure this nation wears fashionable, form-fitting attire.
Dear Jen:
I recently met a lovely man. He's a Republican, has good family values, good morals and is deeply religious. Next weekend he wants to show me off to his friends at a cross-burning. The trouble is, loose white sheets make me look hippy. Any help would be appreciated.
Signed
KKKrazy in South Carolina
Traditional Klan attire can make a young mother
look a bit frumpy.
Dear KKKrazy in South Carolina,However, we caution that there are limits to Klan attire. Certain colors do not lend themselves to intimidation and can even open you to ridicule. Jen suggests sticking to classic white, even after Labor Day.
Have no fear! I have a simple way for you to cover up your hips while wearing a free flowing sheet. Use a rope-belt, similar to what Jesus wore. This will help define your waist, which will draw attention away from your hips. If your boyfriend inquires about the rope-belt, tell him you may need it for a lynching.
Klan? Or Massachusetts bound for nuptuals?
Dear Jen:
My mother was never political, until this year. Now, she is a staunch Bush supporter. I noticed that about the time of her political awakening, she began wearing double-knit, polyester pant suits. Do you think the polyester may have caused her conservatism or did her conservatism cause her to wear polyester? Why can't Republican women dress?
Signed
Daughter of Polyester Polly
Dear Daughter of Polyester Polly,
My guess is that your Mother's wearing of Polyester has nothing to do with her political affiliation. A quick check of google shows "polyester" + "Republicans" gets 2,830 hits, while "polyester" + "Democrats" gets 4,630 hits. I have nothing to offer except that your Mother has bad taste, pure and simple. Perhaps the polyester will cause her to become a Democrat.
Jen, is of course, correct. But upon further analysis, Jen discovered a fine-line between Democratic polyester and Republican Polyester.
A Democratic Gal in the demon fabric
GOP girl shows off her polyester
Dear Jen
We're delegates to the Democratic Convention, from Wisconsin, don't yah know. Many of the delegates from Wisconsin will be wearing "Wisconsin Swiss Cheese Hats". We're both lactose intolerant, yah, and don't feel like wearing the hats. Our question is, is it ever appropriate to wear dairy products anywhere at any time? If so, what kind of dairy?
Sincerely,
Daisy and Gloria, Don't Yah Know
Dear Daisy and Gloria,
There are only two ways to wear dairy. One, as you have mentioned, is to wear a cheese-head, but this is only appropriate when the Pack is playing. The second way is to wear a milk mustache. You can achieve this effect by consuming Lactaid, a milk for those who are lactose-intolerant, or Soy Milk, but make sure to get the regular milk color as the Vanilla soy milk is too yellow in color to pass for real milk.
Jen
As always, Jen is right. Dairy and faux-dairy must only be worn at a Packers game and then, preferably, only at a home game. However, beware men. Placing a piece of cheese on your head screams, "I've never touched a woman!"
Destined for a life of self-abuse?
Cheese, as a fashion "don't" cuts across every layer of society, rich - poor - white - black - Christian - Jew. Mostly, it'll make you look like a real wanker.
Confirming what we already knew. Wanker-in-Chief ?
If you have a question for Jen, please write LB in '04.
