Wednesday, July 21, 2004
LICKIN BUSH WELCOMES CHIEF FORENSIC FASHION REVIEWER AND COMMENTATOR
By Stockton & Tweed
Worried about what to wear for election day? Curious about whether Cheney's blue striped tie is out of fashion? Concerned about where all those Lamar Alexander flannels went? Never fear - Jen is here!
Let's give a Bush Lickin' welcome to Jen, LB in 04's new Chief Forensic Fashion Reviewer and Commentator.
We at LB in 04' scoured our readership (all six of you) to find that special someone who could let us know all of the fashion faux pas' of the political scene - and Jen seemed like the best bet.
Jen's first assignment was to answer some questions that had been plaguing the minds of LB in 04' editors Stockton and Tweed:
S&T: If the terror level changes, LB in 04 readers won't know what to wear. Can you give our readers some tips for proper attire for Terror Level Green and Terror Level Fuscha? Does it matter if it is before or after Labor Day?
Confused LB in 04 Reader
Jen: He can be President. Next question.
S&T: Many politicians are wearing light blue ties. I've been wearing light blue ties for years, have I been, accidently, more fashionable than my red tie wearing colleagues?
Jen: Light blue ties look great with dark grey suits. Also, the color of your tie should reflect your political persuasion, which is why Bush is fond of dark blood red ties and Nader likes to wear green ties.
Stocton: You mean like this suit I'm wearing in this picture of me, that hot guy?
Stockton? Tweed? Or Some
Other Dude?
S&T: You mentioned that the candidate for an Illinois Senate seat would not be elected because he wore tights. What if she's really hot?
Jen: A hot woman could wear sweats and still be hot, so yes.. tights would be ok on her.
New GOP Litmus Test:
Does She Look Good in Sweats?
S&T: Many terrorists like to hide their faces with elaborate head-wear - almost an extension of a turbin. Do you think that this will be a new fashion craze among young, white, middle-class males?
Jen: Yes. White, middle class males, particularly upper middle class, are constantly trying to rebel against their upbringing, which is why many of these suburbanites try their emulate their more urban counterparts by doing lines of coke while wearing a chain wallet. Unfortunately, this does not make up for the fact that they're wearing boxers from the Banana Republica.
Upper Middle Class Teen or Real Terrorist?
S&T: I've been called before the Senate Intelligence Committee to explain my intelligence failures. What do I wear?
Jen: Horned rimmed glasses, which will make you look intelligent.
Too Smart to Have Allowed for
Intelligence Failures
S&T: Will chain mail ever be "in" again? How do I accessorize?
Jen: Chain mail will never, has never, been in.
S&T: Hmmmm. We suspect this may be one of those things where women may be able to pull it off,
Chain Mail Fashion Winner
but men can't:
Could Men Not Have the Right Stuff for Chain Mail Fashions?
S&T: If they're wearing identical clothes, how do I determine if a man is gay or just British?
Jen: His teeth.
Gay or Just British?;
Check his Teeth
WOW! I can't wait for the conventions!
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By Stockton & Tweed
Worried about what to wear for election day? Curious about whether Cheney's blue striped tie is out of fashion? Concerned about where all those Lamar Alexander flannels went? Never fear - Jen is here!
Let's give a Bush Lickin' welcome to Jen, LB in 04's new Chief Forensic Fashion Reviewer and Commentator.
We at LB in 04' scoured our readership (all six of you) to find that special someone who could let us know all of the fashion faux pas' of the political scene - and Jen seemed like the best bet.
Jen's first assignment was to answer some questions that had been plaguing the minds of LB in 04' editors Stockton and Tweed:
S&T: If the terror level changes, LB in 04 readers won't know what to wear. Can you give our readers some tips for proper attire for Terror Level Green and Terror Level Fuscha? Does it matter if it is before or after Labor Day?
Confused LB in 04 Reader
Jen: He can be President. Next question.
S&T: Many politicians are wearing light blue ties. I've been wearing light blue ties for years, have I been, accidently, more fashionable than my red tie wearing colleagues?
Jen: Light blue ties look great with dark grey suits. Also, the color of your tie should reflect your political persuasion, which is why Bush is fond of dark blood red ties and Nader likes to wear green ties.
Stocton: You mean like this suit I'm wearing in this picture of me, that hot guy?
Stockton? Tweed? Or Some
Other Dude?
S&T: You mentioned that the candidate for an Illinois Senate seat would not be elected because he wore tights. What if she's really hot?
Jen: A hot woman could wear sweats and still be hot, so yes.. tights would be ok on her.
New GOP Litmus Test:
Does She Look Good in Sweats?
S&T: Many terrorists like to hide their faces with elaborate head-wear - almost an extension of a turbin. Do you think that this will be a new fashion craze among young, white, middle-class males?
Jen: Yes. White, middle class males, particularly upper middle class, are constantly trying to rebel against their upbringing, which is why many of these suburbanites try their emulate their more urban counterparts by doing lines of coke while wearing a chain wallet. Unfortunately, this does not make up for the fact that they're wearing boxers from the Banana Republica.
Upper Middle Class Teen or Real Terrorist?
S&T: I've been called before the Senate Intelligence Committee to explain my intelligence failures. What do I wear?
Jen: Horned rimmed glasses, which will make you look intelligent.
Too Smart to Have Allowed for
Intelligence Failures
S&T: Will chain mail ever be "in" again? How do I accessorize?
Jen: Chain mail will never, has never, been in.
S&T: Hmmmm. We suspect this may be one of those things where women may be able to pull it off,
Chain Mail Fashion Winner
but men can't:
Could Men Not Have the Right Stuff for Chain Mail Fashions?
S&T: If they're wearing identical clothes, how do I determine if a man is gay or just British?
Jen: His teeth.
Gay or Just British?;
Check his Teeth
WOW! I can't wait for the conventions!
