Friday, July 30, 2004
REVAMPED SAT'S ANGER STUDENTS AND FORMER STUDENTS
By Stockton
To the dismay of many, the College Board is revising the SAT exam. The notorious exam is a rite of passage for high school students and usually a major factor in determine college admissions.
The SAT traditionally tested students on verbal and math skills. Now, an essay portion and a civics multiple choice portion will be added. Needless to say, high school juniors are stressed at the thought of a new test.
"This friggin' sucks," said 16 year old Samantha Lavin, who hopes to major in communications. "It really, friggin' sucks. Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!"
Simon Miler took it in stride. "I good at the talkin' part so I's just need help with the numbers part."
Students aren't the only ones upset. Their parents aren't pleased at all.
"I got 1360 on my SAT's," said Vernon Downs, the father of two high school students. "Now they're upping the high score to 2400 and they're letting queers get married. How am I supposed to explain this to my kids. They'll think I'm a retard."
The new test is designed not only to test math and verbal skills, but to help students become active participants in public life: Good Citizens.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM NEW SAT'S
1. If Tomania has a population of 25 million people, 8% of which are evildoers, how many troops will it take to invade and successfully occupy Tomania? How long will it take?
a) 120,000 troops, if we are firm in our resolve, and 6 months;
b) Less than 120,000 if the Albanians help, and 1 year;
c) Who cares, oil revenue will pay for it all;
d) 80,000 troops and they'll greet us with flowers.
e) None of the above;
f) Why do you hate America?
2. The President is to the United States what:
a) Fredo Corleone is to the Corleone Family;
b) Ken Lay is to Enron;
c) Potsie is to Happy Days;
d) Cheney is to the United States;
e) Dudley Dooright is to the Mounties.
3. Finish the following sentence: "Watch out! That pit is filled with ____."
a) nukuler waste;
b) Enron accountants;
c) Salsa;
d) Evil doers wanting to commissionate acts of terrah;
e) Anti-matter.
4. The Federal Government is composed of three branches, the Executive Branch, Legislative Branch and;
a) The Holy Ghost;
b) Michelle Branch;
c) Branch Rickey;
d) Olive Branch;
e) Judaica Branch
5. If the base of a naked human pyramid is nine men wide, and each successive layer is one less than the layer underneath, how many penis' are there?
a) Eleventy;
b) Shazaam;
c) Twelveteen;
d) Five and 3/4;
e) Penis Aplenty.
6. What was the immediate result of the Russian Revolution?
a) The people overthrew the Czar;
b) The people overthrew the Tsar;
c) Both a & b;
d) Neither a or b;
e) The Tsar overthrew the Czar.
How well did you do?
|
By Stockton
To the dismay of many, the College Board is revising the SAT exam. The notorious exam is a rite of passage for high school students and usually a major factor in determine college admissions.
The SAT traditionally tested students on verbal and math skills. Now, an essay portion and a civics multiple choice portion will be added. Needless to say, high school juniors are stressed at the thought of a new test.
"This friggin' sucks," said 16 year old Samantha Lavin, who hopes to major in communications. "It really, friggin' sucks. Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!"
Simon Miler took it in stride. "I good at the talkin' part so I's just need help with the numbers part."
Students aren't the only ones upset. Their parents aren't pleased at all.
"I got 1360 on my SAT's," said Vernon Downs, the father of two high school students. "Now they're upping the high score to 2400 and they're letting queers get married. How am I supposed to explain this to my kids. They'll think I'm a retard."
The new test is designed not only to test math and verbal skills, but to help students become active participants in public life: Good Citizens.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM NEW SAT'S
1. If Tomania has a population of 25 million people, 8% of which are evildoers, how many troops will it take to invade and successfully occupy Tomania? How long will it take?
a) 120,000 troops, if we are firm in our resolve, and 6 months;
b) Less than 120,000 if the Albanians help, and 1 year;
c) Who cares, oil revenue will pay for it all;
d) 80,000 troops and they'll greet us with flowers.
e) None of the above;
f) Why do you hate America?
2. The President is to the United States what:
a) Fredo Corleone is to the Corleone Family;
b) Ken Lay is to Enron;
c) Potsie is to Happy Days;
d) Cheney is to the United States;
e) Dudley Dooright is to the Mounties.
3. Finish the following sentence: "Watch out! That pit is filled with ____."
a) nukuler waste;
b) Enron accountants;
c) Salsa;
d) Evil doers wanting to commissionate acts of terrah;
e) Anti-matter.
4. The Federal Government is composed of three branches, the Executive Branch, Legislative Branch and;
a) The Holy Ghost;
b) Michelle Branch;
c) Branch Rickey;
d) Olive Branch;
e) Judaica Branch
5. If the base of a naked human pyramid is nine men wide, and each successive layer is one less than the layer underneath, how many penis' are there?
a) Eleventy;
b) Shazaam;
c) Twelveteen;
d) Five and 3/4;
e) Penis Aplenty.
6. What was the immediate result of the Russian Revolution?
a) The people overthrew the Czar;
b) The people overthrew the Tsar;
c) Both a & b;
d) Neither a or b;
e) The Tsar overthrew the Czar.
How well did you do?
