Sunday, April 11, 2004
911 Commission Outlines Rules for Bush Testimony
By Stockton
In an exclusive, Lickinbushin'04 has received an early draft of commission rules for the Bush/Cheney duet it expects to hear in the near future. As expected, the 911 Commission memo is very deferential to the president and vice-president, but not without limits.
1. Bush and Cheney may testify together but cannot hold hands;
2. President Bush will be allowed the use of a "sippy-cup" in case he gets thirsty;
3. A twenty minute "quiet time" will be available at the President's discretion;
4. The President may bring a snack, such as Animal Crackers or Bob The Builder crackers. However, he may not crunch loudly, make noise or fidget when Mr. Cheney is trying to speak;
5. The President will be allowed one "blankee";
6. If the President becomes a "cranky-pants" a time-out will be called;
7. Cheney may not finish Bush's sentences or interpret Bush's statements for the commission;
8. The President must be "clean and sober" for his testimony;
9. The President may not hum or whistle during Cheney's testimony;
10. If the President is a good boy, the Commission will buy him McDonald's for lunch.
After hours of back-and-forth negotiations, the Administration agreed to the commission's terms, amending only one. The President would rather have Burger King.
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By Stockton
In an exclusive, Lickinbushin'04 has received an early draft of commission rules for the Bush/Cheney duet it expects to hear in the near future. As expected, the 911 Commission memo is very deferential to the president and vice-president, but not without limits.
1. Bush and Cheney may testify together but cannot hold hands;
2. President Bush will be allowed the use of a "sippy-cup" in case he gets thirsty;
3. A twenty minute "quiet time" will be available at the President's discretion;
4. The President may bring a snack, such as Animal Crackers or Bob The Builder crackers. However, he may not crunch loudly, make noise or fidget when Mr. Cheney is trying to speak;
5. The President will be allowed one "blankee";
6. If the President becomes a "cranky-pants" a time-out will be called;
7. Cheney may not finish Bush's sentences or interpret Bush's statements for the commission;
8. The President must be "clean and sober" for his testimony;
9. The President may not hum or whistle during Cheney's testimony;
10. If the President is a good boy, the Commission will buy him McDonald's for lunch.
After hours of back-and-forth negotiations, the Administration agreed to the commission's terms, amending only one. The President would rather have Burger King.
