Wednesday, May 12, 2004
VICTORIAN ENGLAND REDUX
By Stockton
The Moral Majority has hit England with a vengeance. Even in Great Britain the beloved Garden Gnome, darling of mobile-home America, is no longer safe when frolicking in the buff.
Here, in the United States, legislators are already looking into the same issue.
"Gnome Porn is a blight on our country and our gardens," said Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. "If this keeps up, people will want to marry Garden Gnomes."
James Inhofe (R-OK) was equally outraged. "Am I the only one outraged at this outrage!" said the Senator. "Garden Gnomes put their lives on the line every day and now someone wants to make naked gnome pyramids? Outrageous."
Every year, thousands of Garden Gnomes are gnomenapped from their bucolic hideaways and subjected to the mean streets of America. "It's almost an epidemic," said Jean McCarthy, President of Save the Gnomes. "Walk down any street in any major city at midnight. There are young gnomes everywhere, parading around, selling themselves." Some Gnomes are later found in forced labor camps. Others are never found. The shame for the rescued Gnome is great. "Even when rescued, many," said Ms. McCarthy, "are never the same again."
San Francisco has recently enacted the Gnome Protection Act (Squeakers Law), making gnomenapping a misdemeanor, punishable by up to three weeks in jail and a $1,000 fine. Those convicted have to register their names with the Garden Accessories Crime Bureau and are prohibited from working in lawn maintenance related services for ten years.
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By Stockton
The Moral Majority has hit England with a vengeance. Even in Great Britain the beloved Garden Gnome, darling of mobile-home America, is no longer safe when frolicking in the buff.
Here, in the United States, legislators are already looking into the same issue.
"Gnome Porn is a blight on our country and our gardens," said Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. "If this keeps up, people will want to marry Garden Gnomes."
James Inhofe (R-OK) was equally outraged. "Am I the only one outraged at this outrage!" said the Senator. "Garden Gnomes put their lives on the line every day and now someone wants to make naked gnome pyramids? Outrageous."
Every year, thousands of Garden Gnomes are gnomenapped from their bucolic hideaways and subjected to the mean streets of America. "It's almost an epidemic," said Jean McCarthy, President of Save the Gnomes. "Walk down any street in any major city at midnight. There are young gnomes everywhere, parading around, selling themselves." Some Gnomes are later found in forced labor camps. Others are never found. The shame for the rescued Gnome is great. "Even when rescued, many," said Ms. McCarthy, "are never the same again."
San Francisco has recently enacted the Gnome Protection Act (Squeakers Law), making gnomenapping a misdemeanor, punishable by up to three weeks in jail and a $1,000 fine. Those convicted have to register their names with the Garden Accessories Crime Bureau and are prohibited from working in lawn maintenance related services for ten years.
