Wednesday, August 04, 2004
UNION WOES PLAGUE AL-QAEDA
By Stockton
Experts expect the rate of suicide bombings around the world to decline as the International Union of Suicide Bombers lays plans for a massive walkout on August 8, 2004.
The union and Al-Qaeda have been at odds since the start of the Iraq War over issues ranging from overtime pay to health insurance to workplace safety. A meeting between the two sides is planned for August 6.
One of the main sticking points is the number of virgins a martyr will receive when dead. Tradition places the number at 72. Ali-ibn-Gazar, a union spokesman, believes that number is failing to keep up with the times. "Sure, 72 virgins was good back in 1155, but today it's a slap in the face. The number has to keep pace with inflation." Gazar went on to say:
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By Stockton
Experts expect the rate of suicide bombings around the world to decline as the International Union of Suicide Bombers lays plans for a massive walkout on August 8, 2004.
The union and Al-Qaeda have been at odds since the start of the Iraq War over issues ranging from overtime pay to health insurance to workplace safety. A meeting between the two sides is planned for August 6.
One of the main sticking points is the number of virgins a martyr will receive when dead. Tradition places the number at 72. Ali-ibn-Gazar, a union spokesman, believes that number is failing to keep up with the times. "Sure, 72 virgins was good back in 1155, but today it's a slap in the face. The number has to keep pace with inflation." Gazar went on to say:
"Suicide bombers want what everyone else wants; to see each successive generation do better than the one before. My Grandfather received seventy-two virgins. My Father received seventy-two. Now, me and my son will receive seventy-two. We've gotten nowhere in four generations! Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it."
Al-Qaeda spokesperson Mustapha al Jamal said management would be taking a tough stance. "I appreciate the union's concerns," said al Jamal, "but everyone here has been working overtime. We just hired over 1,000 new members and we're still swamped. Attacks have been postponed, paper work is piling up, it's a very hectic time of year."
The main union demands include increasing the number of allotted virgins from seventy-two to eighty, a lower copay on their dental insurance and two more additional sick days. "We want a contract that's more family friendly," said Gazar. "Praise Allah."
