Tuesday, September 14, 2004
GOP SCHISM DEEPENS
By Stockton
All-out war has nearly been declared between the two wings of the modern Republican Party as the Bush campaign struggles to point to something it's accomplished in the last four years. The winner of the war might just determine Bush's campaign strategy from now until election day.
The Grand Old Party, now splintered into the Hate Wing and Scare Wing, wished to avoid this type of schism in a Presidential Election year.
"I think it had to happen," says Hate Wing leader Senator Rick Santorum (PA). "We have to stand for something and I believe hate is our future."
Santorum said that he sponsored a poll that indicates Americans are aching to hate someone. "It's part of our heritage," says Santorum. "We really, truly don't feel alive unless we have an enemy. Foreign enemies are okay but domestic enemies are even better."
Santorum says the party is split on whether to focus their hate on homosexuals or foreigners. One small group wants to zero in on foreign homosexuals. "It's probably going to be the homos. It fits in nicely with the whole Constitutional Amendment thing. But, we haven't ruled out foreigners." A resolution to hate Icelanders didn't make it out of committee.
Santorum hasn't ruled out cripples but is leaning towards homosexuals
Vice-President Dick Cheney, leader of the Scare Wing, disagrees with Santorum. Speaking from his crypt, the Vice-President said, "Scaring the hell out of people is the way to go. We've tried the hate thing and it hardly ever works. We just need to hammer home the fact that if Kerry is elected, we will all burn to death in a huge conflagration after our women are raped by the infidel."
Vice-President Cheney want to go with a more positive and upbeat 'Scare' message.
Other possible groups that the GOP is considering hating include:
1) North American Man-Dog Love Association;
2) The Salvation Army;
3) The New York Yankees;
4) The FBI;
5) Single Moms;
6) Veterans of Foreign Wars;
7) New York Giants Fans;
8) Orphans.
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By Stockton
All-out war has nearly been declared between the two wings of the modern Republican Party as the Bush campaign struggles to point to something it's accomplished in the last four years. The winner of the war might just determine Bush's campaign strategy from now until election day.
The Grand Old Party, now splintered into the Hate Wing and Scare Wing, wished to avoid this type of schism in a Presidential Election year.
"I think it had to happen," says Hate Wing leader Senator Rick Santorum (PA). "We have to stand for something and I believe hate is our future."
Santorum said that he sponsored a poll that indicates Americans are aching to hate someone. "It's part of our heritage," says Santorum. "We really, truly don't feel alive unless we have an enemy. Foreign enemies are okay but domestic enemies are even better."
Santorum says the party is split on whether to focus their hate on homosexuals or foreigners. One small group wants to zero in on foreign homosexuals. "It's probably going to be the homos. It fits in nicely with the whole Constitutional Amendment thing. But, we haven't ruled out foreigners." A resolution to hate Icelanders didn't make it out of committee.
Vice-President Dick Cheney, leader of the Scare Wing, disagrees with Santorum. Speaking from his crypt, the Vice-President said, "Scaring the hell out of people is the way to go. We've tried the hate thing and it hardly ever works. We just need to hammer home the fact that if Kerry is elected, we will all burn to death in a huge conflagration after our women are raped by the infidel."
Other possible groups that the GOP is considering hating include:
1) North American Man-Dog Love Association;
2) The Salvation Army;
3) The New York Yankees;
4) The FBI;
5) Single Moms;
6) Veterans of Foreign Wars;
7) New York Giants Fans;
8) Orphans.
