Friday, October 15, 2004
O'REILLY TO SEEK ILLINOIS SENATE SEAT
By Tweed
TV personality Bill O'Reilly, host of Faux News' "The Factor," is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois senate.
"Mr. O Reilly is announcing that he is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois Senate," said O'Reilly spokesperson Honey Chile. "He's very excited about this race, and is ready to pick up where Jack Ryan left off."
O'Reilly Spokeswoman Just Before the Announcement
The announcement set off a series of accusations, attacks and comments from all quarters. "I can't believe the impertinence of this man," said current republican candidate Alan Keyes, "the good people of Chicago and Springfield and Gary don't need no carpetbagger from the east coast as their candidate!"
Keyes Upon Hearing the Announcement
For his part, O'Reilly tried to calm the waters: "Look; it's not like I don't like the guy - I do. I think he's an honorable man. But he's polling - what - like, negative 10%. I'm what the Illinois republican party is after." O'Reilly related his candidacy directly to Jack Ryan's failed candidacy: "I'm gonna pick up where he left off - but I promise, my sexual escapades will be limited, exclusively to Illinois - except for the phone sex. I know this girl in mid-town - well anyway I'll be in Illinois. And I'm proud to have members of Ryan's staff joining me in my bid."
"Yeah, I got the call yesterday," said Susan Spartman of Chicago. "I wouldn't go with Keyes - that whole moralizing thing - but when O'Reilly's people called, I knew he was my guy."
Spartman worked fory Ryan: Now She's on O'Reilly's Team
Other republicans weighed in as well, arguing that O'Reilly would bring the party back to its "traditional values" platform. "This party had its roots in the progressive movement," said Shirley Moore, the Deputy Chairperson of the state GOP Committee. "We need to return to that spirit and return to the direction Ryan had us moving in. We need to attract new members, teach them that being a republican can be fun, that being tied to a firm foundation, and suffering the abuse of a domineering partner can be amazingly liberating. I think his campaign should go by the All Thrust Zone."
Moore: "Can't Wait to Meet O'Reilly."
Some in the Keyes campaign argued that O'Reilly was a "Johnny Come Lately." O'Reilly's response: "Yeah I have."
"Look, the truth is, I'm gonna get the job done," said O'Reilly. "I have a plan that will get us where we need to be, and I had this diagram made up so that everyone can see it. Now no one can say I'm just a horny guy who's famous. Here - here's the diagram:"
Experts Are Unsure of the Dimensions of O'Reilly's Plan
"My experts assure me it will work," said O'Reilly.
LB editors were fortunate enough to interview Nina Santa Maria, one of the architects of O'Reilly's plan, who strongly defended O'Reilly's plan:
LB in 04: Ms. Santa Maria, can this plan work as a stimulus?
Santa Maria: Umphhhf mgrhrhr mfflle ahmmffufffmmm. Urrrh grrrrrr frfflllffff mmrrrrffhfffuf fhmm fhf mmfmmf.
LB in 04': Fascinating. But will it excite other members of congress?
Santa Maria: Mmmmmfffllf aaaahahahrrrrgg gguhmmm dffiifiifllm.
LB in 04': And in that way you help to defeat the flacidity?
Santa Maria: Yyyyhhhhhhffff!
O'Reilly's Expert Weighs In
Democrat, Barack Obama, the clear favorite in the race. Seemed unconcerned about his opponents. "Tell you what," said Obama. "Let them both run, multiply their results by 2, and add them together and I bet I still win."
Obama Reacts to the Announcement
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By Tweed
TV personality Bill O'Reilly, host of Faux News' "The Factor," is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois senate.
"Mr. O Reilly is announcing that he is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois Senate," said O'Reilly spokesperson Honey Chile. "He's very excited about this race, and is ready to pick up where Jack Ryan left off."
O'Reilly Spokeswoman Just Before the Announcement
The announcement set off a series of accusations, attacks and comments from all quarters. "I can't believe the impertinence of this man," said current republican candidate Alan Keyes, "the good people of Chicago and Springfield and Gary don't need no carpetbagger from the east coast as their candidate!"
Keyes Upon Hearing the Announcement
For his part, O'Reilly tried to calm the waters: "Look; it's not like I don't like the guy - I do. I think he's an honorable man. But he's polling - what - like, negative 10%. I'm what the Illinois republican party is after." O'Reilly related his candidacy directly to Jack Ryan's failed candidacy: "I'm gonna pick up where he left off - but I promise, my sexual escapades will be limited, exclusively to Illinois - except for the phone sex. I know this girl in mid-town - well anyway I'll be in Illinois. And I'm proud to have members of Ryan's staff joining me in my bid."
"Yeah, I got the call yesterday," said Susan Spartman of Chicago. "I wouldn't go with Keyes - that whole moralizing thing - but when O'Reilly's people called, I knew he was my guy."
Spartman worked fory Ryan: Now She's on O'Reilly's Team
Other republicans weighed in as well, arguing that O'Reilly would bring the party back to its "traditional values" platform. "This party had its roots in the progressive movement," said Shirley Moore, the Deputy Chairperson of the state GOP Committee. "We need to return to that spirit and return to the direction Ryan had us moving in. We need to attract new members, teach them that being a republican can be fun, that being tied to a firm foundation, and suffering the abuse of a domineering partner can be amazingly liberating. I think his campaign should go by the All Thrust Zone."
Moore: "Can't Wait to Meet O'Reilly."
Some in the Keyes campaign argued that O'Reilly was a "Johnny Come Lately." O'Reilly's response: "Yeah I have."
"Look, the truth is, I'm gonna get the job done," said O'Reilly. "I have a plan that will get us where we need to be, and I had this diagram made up so that everyone can see it. Now no one can say I'm just a horny guy who's famous. Here - here's the diagram:"
Experts Are Unsure of the Dimensions of O'Reilly's Plan
"My experts assure me it will work," said O'Reilly.
LB editors were fortunate enough to interview Nina Santa Maria, one of the architects of O'Reilly's plan, who strongly defended O'Reilly's plan:
LB in 04: Ms. Santa Maria, can this plan work as a stimulus?
Santa Maria: Umphhhf mgrhrhr mfflle ahmmffufffmmm. Urrrh grrrrrr frfflllffff mmrrrrffhfffuf fhmm fhf mmfmmf.
LB in 04': Fascinating. But will it excite other members of congress?
Santa Maria: Mmmmmfffllf aaaahahahrrrrgg gguhmmm dffiifiifllm.
LB in 04': And in that way you help to defeat the flacidity?
Santa Maria: Yyyyhhhhhhffff!
O'Reilly's Expert Weighs In
Democrat, Barack Obama, the clear favorite in the race. Seemed unconcerned about his opponents. "Tell you what," said Obama. "Let them both run, multiply their results by 2, and add them together and I bet I still win."
Obama Reacts to the Announcement
