LICKIN BUSH IN'04 "WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAMS"

NATIONAL PASTIME RETURNS TO NATIONAL CAPITAL
By Tweed

All of the Washington, D.C., metro area was all a-twitter with the news that the national pastime is returning to Washington. "I just can't wait," said Mayor Anthony Williams. Indeed, most of Washington seemed to be dizzy with excitement.

Despite jokes about it being "Bush league," lovers of the game have ignored such as "to be expected chatter by the nattering nabobs of negativity."

Long time supporter Douglas Murphy noted that "we've had a lot of activity the last few months - and it's really built up great expectations." Murphy also chastized the few doubters who argued the game would not come to town this year: "Look, excessive hyperbole always follows the debates - just because this year it came a bit early doesn't mean it won't continue after the debates."

Supporters of extravegant campaign verbiage lined Constitution Avenue holding up their signs with their favorite campaign rhetoric and examples of what they want. "I want to hear more about how John Kerry murdered his own troops in Vietnam and conspired with the enemey to surrender Saigon," said Anne Hendersman. "And I want to hear more about how George Bush is the love child of Forrest Gump and Bar Bush - and how Bush is planning to create a cabinet post of Secretary of Haliburton," said an unidentified man standing next to Ms. Hendersman.

Both campaigns promised to try to meet expectations. "Oh boy do we have some good ones," said Bush campaign spokesman Scott Underman. "Like how's this: 'If America wanted a pot smoking Vietnam vet, they would have voted for Al. . . maybe we shouldn't use that one - but how about this 'If Kerry's so smart, how come he couldn't figure out how to avoid combat' - love that one."

Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry's campaign manager, refused to cite specifics: "We just plan on using actual George Bush quotes."

RIGHTWING DADDIES MAKE MORE LESBIANS
By Stockton

It appears that Maya Keyes, the daughter of Illinois Senate candidate Alan Keyes, is a lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with that). Ms. Keyes has joined the growing ranks of lesbians that are the off-spring of Rightwingers, including Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Sociologist Edward Velakovsky isn't surprised. "What do you expect from young women when the father-figure in their lives is a Dick Cheney or Alan Keyes? Do they really have a choice? These women probably believe that all men are like their fathers, crazy, wild-eyed demagogues who rant and rave about hedonism and hell. They probably see other women as their only escape from life with males like their father."

In his groundbreaking study, 'I Did Everything Right and She's Still a Dike', Velakovsky notes the irony of the situation. "Essentially, I found the Rightwing male hates lesbians because it is narrowing his field of opportunity. They've never been good at getting women, women find Rightwingers extremely undesirable and the increase in lesbianism means fewer opportunities for them in an already small field. On the other hand, I can't understand their distaste of male homosexuality. That takes a lot of goodlooking guys off the table and increases their chances tenfold."

I'm an extremist and all I got wasa lesbian daughter!

BUSH TO STUDY FAMOUS DEBATES
By Stockton

In preparation for the first presidential debate (Thursday, September 30), President Bush is studying famous past debates. The President hopes to sharpen his debate skills by watching past masters of the art.

There is no shortage of material for the President to choose from.

V Lincoln Douglas



V Kennedy Nixon


V
Carter Reagan



However, President Bush has opted to study and analyze a more contentious debate. A debate that nearly ripped a family apart. A debate whose ramifications still echo through the decades down to the present day.

V Brady Brady

"This was a classic debate with loads of undercurrents," says political historian, Arthur Jaspar. "It's interesting that the President should choose this debate. Greg Brady, clearly the more popular candidate, ended up endorsing Marcia Brady, who demonstrated a better grasp of the issues. Could something unexpected be in the works? I find it hard to believe the President plans on endorsing John Kerry."

Greg Brady and Marcia Brady both vied for the office of Class President in 1969. The debate was televised on December 12, 1969. The race for class president, which began as a friendly challenge, soon turned viscious, splitting the Brady household along gender lines.

As Marcia faded in the polls, she turned negative, accusing Greg of breaking her nose with a football and of stealing the rival schools mascot. Greg retaliated with allegations that Marcia had made two dates for the same prom and it didn't matter anyway because she would never 'put out'.

In the end, however, familial devotion won out. Greg, seeing that Marcia was well-informed on the issues and generally sincere in her desire to limit homework, bowed out of the race. Marcia was later impeached for performing fellatio on a young Bill Clinton.

TOUTATIS HAS NO LINKS TO AL-QAEDA
Science Desk

Asteroid Toutatis Makes Closest Pass in 651 Years
Mon Sep 27, 3:13 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An asteroid named for a Celtic god of war will come as close to Earth this week as it has since 1353.

The space rock known as Toutatis will come on Wednesday within 960,000 miles of Earth, relatively close by cosmic standards, Astronomy Magazine said in an e-mailed statement on Monday.

Toutatis poses no danger to Earth. However, if it did hit our planet, it would create a blast with the energy equivalent to 1 million ton of TNT.

"It won't hit us," said Astronomy Professor Kevin Lutz, as he loaded his van with cases of water and a variety of non-perishable food items. "I mean, 960,000 miles is pretty close but it shouldn't be a problem."

Toutatis, shaped like a dumbell or a gigantic Milkbone, is the size of Passaic, New Jersey but is more hospitable.

Donald Trump has announced that the next Apprentice winner will have the job of overseeing construction of a golf complex on one of the "bell" portions of Toutatis. "Right now," said Mr. Trump, "Toutatis is a giant rock, with no redeeming features. But after my team, led by the winner of this next round of Apprentice, is done with their work, it will be home to one of the most spectacular getaways ever created. Image: golf in outerspace, with no trees to interfere with your shots - just the stillness and breath-taking, awe-inspiring beauty of the cosmos."

Secretary of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge advises people to remain calm and go about their daily activities. "We cannot establish any links at this time between Toutatis and Al-Qaeda or Saddam Hussein," said Secretary Ridge. "But our investigation is ongoing."

Secretary Ridge and the Department of Homeland Security did issue advice to those who might be in danger if Toutatis were to hit: "If you are within a mile of the impact, stay in your homes, preferably under a doorway or some other reinforced portion of your home. School children will be told to hide under their desk or to 'stop, drop and roll'. "

Because they deal with such enormous distances and sizes, most astronomers say the estimated distance (960,000 miles) has a margin of error of 1,300,000 miles.

CHECK-OUT THIS STORY
Editors

Luis, over at Another Liberal Blog had the audacity to bring up a substantive issue. It's about the state of healthcare and although we don't agree with him getting all substantive and wishy-washy (we think he's a commie, why else is he talking about h--------e?), please check it out.

LB in '04 EXCLUSIVE - TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2004
MAJOR NETWORKS DECLARE BUSH WINNER OF SEPTEMBER 30th DEBATE
Editors

LB in '04 has learned that CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, UPN and CNBC has declared President Bush the winner of the first Presidential Debate scheduled for this Thursday night. The networks, after conferring with Ed Gillespie and Mark Racicot, unanimously agreed that George Bush won the upcoming debate on both substance and style.

"Gillespie assured us that the President looked strong and resolute," said NBC Executive Vice-President Norm Vinson. "They say his message was clear and really resonated with voters in the swing states. I can't wait to hear it."

"This makes Bush awfully hard to beat," said CBS producer Shelley Longstaff. "He'll get a huge bounce in Ohio, Florida and Wisconsin once the people in those states hear what he has to say. It was like Kerry didn't even show-up for this thing."

The Kerry campaign strongly objected to announcing a winner before the debates but was ridiculed by the Republicans. "It's like 2000 all over again," said Ed Gillespie, RNC Chairman. "They lost far and square and now they're going to whine about it."

PBS has refrained from declaring a winner, taking the unorthodox position that the debate should take place first. "That's why their ratings suck," said Mark Racicot. "They just can't take a position or make a decision without 'getting the facts'. That's not what America wants in a news organization or a President."

BUSH VOWS ADMINISTRATION SHAKE-UP IF REELECTED
By Tweed

President Bush today vowed to shake-up his administration if reelected. The move comes as increasing criticism of his policies and implementation of those policies wear down his support.

"I'm hearing the criticizing of people giving me, and I'm gonna change that," said the President during a Rose Garden appearance. "Competition is the American way to settle differences," continued the President, "and so we're gonna to rise the cream from. . . the skim. . . milk . . . as it rises, and have a better cabinet."

The President's plans are somewhat murky. This is purposeful, according to Presidential adviser Karl Rove, "to keep up the anticipation." Lickin Bush in 04' has obtained copies of the President's handwritten notes on the concept:

"Evry week, the President (me) will divide cabinet up into to teams and I get to giv em each jobs to do. IDs for jobs to do: (1) resolve Northern Koran nukuler ishu, (2) sell roses in Rose Garden, (3) ecstract troops from Afggeni. . . Afgannist. . . Affganhist. . . Iraq, (4) get more munny to my frends. I get to dicide the winning guys and get to "your fired" loosser's ass. And if its Condi - her ass to. Last guy
left wil get to be cabineter in chief, and evry body else goes to department of education. Things to Ask Gonzalez: (1) Can Cheney be on one of teams? (2) Can I "your fired" Cheney's ass? (3) Can Cheney "your fired" my ass?"

Cheny, Bush and Ingram Prepare for
the Second Term

Additional Bush notes indicate that White House counsel Gonzalez told the President that Vice President Cheney, not being a cabinet member, was probably ineligible to compete:

"Dick Cheney can't be on team, but can help judgement the players, I think. Gonzo sayz I can "your fired" Cheney's ass if I want to, but only when lections happen and that now would not be good time becuase the lections are happening. I don't get it. Chenye hurt my feelings today, and made me cry, like that time he told me I couldn't chop down those trees on the grounds around my house here in DC of all the scrub brush around the basin. But he'll look pretty silly when I get to "your fired" whosoever's ass I want to - he can't say no no more cause I'll be on TV! Note to self: get Lara Ingrim for nother judger."

Evidently, administration skuttle-butt already has pegged Colin Powell as the first likely victim of the President's re-shuffling. "He'll end up [at] transportation, or something like that," said John Ashcroft, "but I know I can do well, cause I'm Christian and nutty, just like Cheney tells him he likes."

CAMPAIGNS SPIN DEBATE EXPECTATIONS
By Stockton

The Bush and Kerry Campaigns have begun the time-honored tradition of lowering expectations for their candidates' debate performance.

"Kerry?" Says Kerry spokesperson Amanda . Geiger, "is a debate disaster ready to happen. We'll be happy if he shows up at the right place at the right time with his hair combed. If he pronounces his own name properly it'll be a huge victory."

Meanwhile, Bush spokesman Mark Hunter disagrees. "Kerry is brilliant in debates. Top notch. The President, on the other hand, is a gibbering pile of illiterate gibberish. We just hope he doesn't drool all over himself."

The Kerry Camp disagrees. "Bush is a master debater. This is the guy that destroyed Anne Richards and Al Gore."

"No he isn't!"

"Yes, he is. Our guy sucks!"

"Your guy is awesome, better informed, articulate..."

"Shut-up!"

"You shut-up!"

"Stupid head!"

"You're the stupid head!"

Back to you, Dan.

LYNNE CHENEY THANKS GOD FOR VIETNAM
By Stockton

Unlike most young people in the 1960's, Lynne Cheney has fond memories of the Vietnam conflict. As Mrs. Cheney campaigns with her husband, trying to soften the Vice-President's image, she speaks nostolgically of the war era and her husband.

"I get to introduce Dick because I've known him for so long," she says at nearly every campaign stop. "I have known Dick Cheney since he was 14 years old."

Cheney typically responds: "That's true. But she wouldn't go out with me until she was 17."

It all paints a portrait of high school sweethearts, together ever since. And strategists for both parties say it's a clear attempt to soften the image of a man who cuts a divisive and hard-edged public figure.

"Thank God for Vietnam," says the Second Lady. "Most just think of it as a failed war, civilians being napalmed and young Americans losing their limbs and their lives. For me, it was a special conflict."

Mrs. Cheney explains:

"I wanted to marry my Dick for a long, long time. He was busy with college though and I thought it would never happen. Then, when he became eligible for the draft, surprise! I got a marriage proposal. It was a wonderful time."

Mrs. Cheney also credits the Vietnam War for her first child.

"When they began drafting married men they kept the exemption for fathers. As soon as Dick found out, we consumated our marriage and nine months later, I was a mother. Dick was ineligible once again for combat and our lives were perfect."

"Vietnam was a magical time." - Lynne CheneyThe Cheney's are seen here, embracing futureveterans of the Iraq War

CHENEY WARNS "GOD IS AGAINST KERRY"
By Tweed

Vice Presidient Dick Cheney stepped up his attacks on Senator John Kerry today in a visit to the Pacific Northwest swing state of Washington. "We've got to recognize that in electing John Kerry, we may be going against God's will," said the Vice President. "Now, today, we've received reports that Mount St. Helens is again active; that can only mean that God has seen some recent polling in Washington and is disappointed that so many people support Kerry."


Cheney Campaigning in Washington

Scientists immediately disputed those claims, noting that the increased activity at Mount St. Helens was due to a series of recent small earthquakes. This information was available to Cheney before his comments.

Cheney went so far as to claim that electing John Kerry might result in the triggering of all of the Pacific basin "Ring of Fire" volvanos, which includes volcanos in the Cascade Mountains, Alaska and eastern Asia. Such an event would have tremendous destructive force, triggering tidal waves, massive fires and ash displacement that could block out the sun for much of the northern hemisphere for a month. "You know you're voting for the wrong guy if that's what his election will mean," said Cheney.

The Bush campaign responded to the immediate criticism levied by the Kerry campaign: "The Vice President's words were taken out of context," said a campaign spokesperson, "he was just trying to point out the importance of this election."

HOLY CRAP IS THIS FUNNY (AND SAD)!
By Tweed

Sonny at Conestoga Street has the funniest (and disappointingiest) damn picture we've seen!

Check it out!

PEP TALK
By Stockton

It is that time of the campaign season when Democrats begin their handwringing and plan their post-election recriminations. Kerry would have won if.....he should have done that....if only we had nominated Dean (god forbid).....Stop! Take a deep breath, exhale. There now, doesn't that feel good?

First, Kerry should run as if he is ten points behind. Polls and the campaign atmosphere can swing wildly over the course of not just a campaign, but the course of a week or two. Complacency is a killer and Kerry does have a track record of becoming complacent. I feel Kerry has hit a message and is hammering it home. Am I correct? Who the hell knows. Kerry may win and he may lose and sometimes these things depend on factors outside the control of any candidate.

Lets look at what Kerry, his supporters and anti-Bush people have accomplished. Bush starts with a distinct advantage; incumbency. The incumbent has several tools in his arsenal simply unavailable to the challenger. He can set the message, he is the President, he is the Commander-in-Chief, he has a National Press Corp hanging on his every word. This President has an allied Congress that can schedule votes to make him look good. Incumbency is a powerful campaign tool.

Bush had overwhelming support and popularity not very long ago. His approval numbers were higher than he was in the 1970's. Of course, those would drop out of the 80% range eventually, but they didn't have to drop to below 50%. A good leader and communicator could probably have held on to 10 of those points, giving him approval in the mid-50% range.

He is a candidate from the heartland. A faux shit-kicker that plays well in middle America. He starts with huge support in an Electoral Vote rich section of the country. Any Republican is going to start the election with over 200 Electoral Votes. Throw in Florida, and the candidate is a mere 37 Electoral Votes shy of victory. If he can nibble at the edges (OH, MO, NV,NH,WV) he'll win. And all experts agree that the EC favors Republicans.

Many like his personality even if they won't vote for him. Despite their efforts, the true Bush haters have yet to win that battle and won't. If 45% really dislike the guy, there is another 45% that like him. That image has been cast. The average Missourian, even those voting for Kerry, probably like Bush, personally. His image as a tough, straight-talking, resolute leader has taken hold. Polls show that 50%+ view him that way. It's not going to change much in the coming weeks.

We are, for lack of a precise term, at war. There is going to be a natural inclination to support a war-time president. It's an historic phenomenon.

Bush is the nominee of a united, highly disciplined national political party that has learned to hide its dirty laundry and back their man. Bush has buckets of money and the Republicans play dirty. They have the better spinmeisters. Bush and his team have been through a national election, a close one at that, before. Bush has built-in, universal name recognition.

The two most talked-about battleground states, Ohio and Florida are both controlled by Republican governors.

He is running against an aloof, liberal Senator from the dreaded Commonwealth of Massachusetts, home of Ted Kennedy, Barney Frank, the Red Sox and same-sex marriage. And yet...

And yet the race is essentially a dead heat. National polls and state polls swing here and there, but for all practical purposes, it's a dead heat. The once "very popular war-time President" is in a dead heat with Kerry. Kerry has not closed the deal with swing voters, but can anyone say Bush, who has had four years to do so, has sealed the deal? No.

Kerry has to stay on message, stay on the offense, act like a president and has to get the vote out. But, so does Bush.

Kerry may lose this race. His campaign, like all campaigns, has problems. However, given Bush's advantages as outlined above, Kerry is running a good campaign. Is there room for improvement? Of course. Does he lay down like Gore. No. This is not really a 'National Election'. It is more akin to 50 statewide elections. Many think the Democrats should go after Bush as a liar, a draft dodger, a war monger etc. That plays well, but only in those states already wrapped up by Kerry. Middle America has to be won and it is not won by calling Bush a draft dodger (which he is) or a cokehead (which he was). Middle America will be won when Kerry presents a sound alternative to the chaos of the last four years and by projecting himself as a strong leader. If he can accomplish that in the debates, the race may still remain close.

We should never give up hope. We should never become morosely despondent when Kerry is down in the polls. We should never become jubilant when he rises. It a marathon and wild mood swings are unproductive, hence pointless.

Kerry has a tough road from any perspective. That he is in the game is a tribute to the candidate and his supporters. Lets remember what's important: Lickin' Bush!

TERRORISTS MAKE GROUND, PRESIDENT ADMITS
By Tweed

The Bush administration today has admitted that international terrorism has made gains in its current war with the United States. The admission comes on the heels of President Bush's speech to the United Nations, at which he chastised members for not be more pliant to his wishes, and almost immediately after Bush's condemnation of Kerry for allegedly sending "mixed messages" about the war in Iraq and the war on terrorism.

"We have to recognize reality," said Bush campaign manager Ken Melman, "we have to understand that the terrorist have won this skirmish, and that free and open elections where the issues of the day are freely and openly debated can no longer occur in the United States."

President Bush also asked Americans to bare the burden of war stoically: "Now I know that you might be resenting the facts and all, but we have to buckle down. I am forced to burden you with an extension of these tax cuts which will be paid by your children and grandchildren and children's children."

Bush also reiterated his call on Kerry to concede the election before it occured so that the war on terror would not be adversly affected by too much freedom.

ELECTION ANALYSIS - PART IV - THE MIDWEST
Editors

Midway between the East and the West is the Midwest. We don't know why it isn't called the Mideast but we're glad it isn't. With few exceptions, we're in it deep here. Deep, dark red territory. Everything is bathed in a red haze. Be careful you don't burn your retinas.

STATES: 7 MN, IA, MO, ND, SD, NE, KS
CLIENT STATE OF TEXAS: 1 OK
GORE: (2) MN, IA
BUSH: (2) MO, DAKOTAHOMA
ELECTORAL VOTES: Yes
PREDICTION: STATUS QUO

Minnesota

Will MN go for Kerry and keep its Democratic tradition alive? You Betcha! Despite the closeness of the 2000 results (Gore 47.91% to Bush's 45.50%) a few things stand out. First, The Dauphin's percentage of the vote in 2000 was actually less than his Poppa's in 1988 (45.9%). We'll give you three guess as to why MN was so close: No....No.....Yes! He Who Shall Not Be Named took 5.2% of the vote in 2000. Even figuring conservatively, if only half of those HWSNBN supporters voted for Gore, Gore is over 50% while The Dauphin is still in the mid-40's.

Here are a few reasons to believe MN is not a real battleground state. First, history. MN has gone Democratic in Presidential Elections since 1241 A.D. Secondly, MN has a high number of educated people, well over the national average. Hallucinogenic drug use is down since 2000. Finally, most polls have shown Kerry consistently ahead of Bush, though the spread varies. We think MN stays Blue.

Iowa

Iowa is an enigma, wrapped in a waffle, surrounded by a coat of chewy nugget.....Iowa is just plain weird. Dukakis carried IA easily, with 54% of the vote. Gore ran into problems and squeaked by 48.54 to 48.22. Oh, yeh, HWSNBN received 2.23%. Still, even giving Gore all of the Nader vote, it should not have been so close.

Iowa, even in its delusional days of staunch Republicanism, was a Dovish, anti-foreign entanglement type place. One has to wonder why Bush, who goes to war for no reason, is doing so well (and by well we mean running essentially even in polls). Still, at the end of the day, we think Kerry will get by here.

Missouri

Lets face it, MO is always tilts right of center. It may not be by much, but in any given year you have to give the Republicans a slight advantage. We think the numbers bear this out. Poppa took it by 4% points and Sonny took it by 3% points. Hardly a blow out, but it does show the state slightly askew to the right.

It is however, worth the fight. Some time, some money and maybe a little Edwards, and it will be competitive. At the very least, you want to make Bush spend mo money here.


Dakotahoma

Running from the Canadian border to Texas, Dakotahoma consists of several square states stacked upon one another, making it very tall. It is the only region of the country where there are more Electoral Votes (24) than people. A Democratic candidate, any Democratic candidate, must abandon hope of even being marginally competitive. An alter boy at a Bishop's convention has a better chance of leaving unmolested than Kerry has of breaking 45% in any of the states.

HOLY CRAP IS THIS FUNNY (AND SAD)!
By Tweed

Sonny at Conestoga Street has the funniest (and disappointingiest) damn picture we've seen!

Check it out!

BUSH SQUARE
By Stockton

"A year from now, I'll be very surprised if there is not some grand square in Baghdad that is named after President Bush."-- Richard Perle, one year ago

BUSH SQUARE - BAGHDAD, IRAQ

CONFUSION OVER CAT STEVENS
By Tweed

Confussion ruled the day yesterday as airline and Federal officials tried to figure out why singer-songwriter Cat Stevens, now Yusef Islam, was on a no-fly list and why, being on such list, he was allowed to board a United Airlines flight to the United States.

"We followed all the procedures," said UA spokeswoman, Flora Markham, "his name was not on the list. Besides, I'm a huge fan."

"It doesn't matter whether some employee is a fan," said Attorney General John Ashcroft today, "if he's on the list, he has to be stopped from terrorizing the nation, but I have to admit that "Bitter Blue" is pretty good."

Confussion was heightened when the Justice Department released its initial justification for excluding Mr. Islam. In a printed report, the Justice Department seemed to claim that the reason for his being on the list was that "I Think I See the Light," from Mona Bone Jakon, played backwards sounds like "Bush Sucks." That justification was retracted, however, and in its place was placed a similar claim, but this time with respect to Don McLean's "Homeless Brother" from his album of the same name. Shortly after the change, Mr. Islam was taken off of the list and replaced by Don McClean.


Sinner? Or Just Sinfully Good Songwriting?

But the Justice Department reversed itself again, claiming this time that Cat Stevens songs "Peacetrain," "Changes IV" and "Ruby Love," all from Teaser and the Firecat, contained secret lyrics directing Islamic fundamentalists to bomb Midland, Texas. That claim was also retracted and replaced finally with the assertion, by a Justice Department spokesman, that Mr. Islam was off the list and replaced, with either Jim Croce or Bill Withers - "whoever did that Time in the Bottle crap. The president can't stand that crap."

But even this claim left investigative journalist Dan Brothers confused. "Look, we know the FBI has been investigating Croce for unauthorized Frank Zappa impersonations. Now we find out he's on or not on this list - I'm confused, but "Father and Son", on Tea for the Tillerman - that song just brings me to tears everytime. . . I Love You Dad!"

Critics of the administration were also quick to jump on the story, noting that it was cirtually impossible to confuse Croce with Bill Withers. "I don't care if you're from Midland, Texas," said Democratic Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut, "there is simply no way you could mistake Bill Withers for Jim Croce - unless you're deaf. The FBI and Justice Department have to start being more forthcoming with their excuses. I think Aschcroft should spend some time with Numbers - a great album, especially "Home" and "Drywood.""


Croce? Or Frank Zappa Impersonator? The FBI Will Find Out.

The Justice Department refused to answer questions about Senator Dodd's comments or Mr. Brother's comments, although Justice Department spokesman, Scott Marniman noted that he had lobbied his wife hard to have "How Can I Tell You," from Teaser and the Firecat as their wedding song, but relented on Billy Joel's "I Love You Just the Way You Are."

He also released the following picture of Bill Withers and asked all Americans to report any sightings of him to the nearest law enforcement officer.


Wither Thou Goest, Mr. Withers?

In related news, Paul Simon, Billy Joel, Elton John, and Joni Mitchell were all reported to have hired criminal defense lawyers.

BUSH GIVES TOTALLY BORING SPEECH AT U.N.
By Tweed

Big on platitudes, and short on substance is the best way to describe Bush's most recent offering. And the audience felt the same way - giving the President a polite, but noticeably muted, reception.

"I have to admit," said Armen Martirossien, Permanent Representative of the Republic of Armenia to the United Nations, "I was bored by the thing. I was expecting at least some soaring rehtoric and discussion of Iraq." Mr. Martirossien also admitted that when he excused himself to use the restroom, he actually went to smoke a cigarette. "It was a short speech, but it seemed a hell of a lot longer."

"Everyone in my row was checking out Ms. Gustafsson," said Ambassador Alfred Capelle, the Republic of the Marshall Islands Permanent Representative, "Felipe [H. Paolillo, the Permanent Representative from Uruguay,] couldn't take his eyes off of her. And he's got that latin thing going on, so . . . maybe he'll get lucky."

Indeed, Eva-Lena Gustafsson, Assistant to Anders Liden, the Swedish Permanent Representative, seemed to be the center of attention. While the President extolled the virtues of democracy, many ambassadors and guests were try to get a better look at Ms. Fustafsson's virtues. Ms. Gustafsson did not disappoint wearing a stylish tweed Prada suit, with matching handbag.

"I don't know what the big deal was," said Valerie McClean, an Administrative Attache to the Irish delegation. "If I had that body, I wouldn't wear anything so trashy. And Rick - well, I could have watered the plants with the amount of drool coming out of his mouth," continued Ms. McClean referring to Richard Ryan, the Irish Permanent Representative.

"I think that Valerie just has to relax a little," Vinci Niel Clodman, Mauru's Permanent Representative said. "Back in August, at the International Day for the Remembrance of the Slave Trade and its Abolition, I think both Valerie and Eva had a bit too much to drink and got into an argument - I think it was about Pedro." Sources say Pedro may be a reference to Pedro Agustin Roa-Arboleda, Columbia's Second Secretary, Budgetary and Administrative Affairs, and the reputed paramore of many of the staff.

Ambassador Clodman's comments, however, would not explain reactions similar to Ms. McClean's from other staff. Maria Csapak, Secretary to the Hungarian Ambassador, Viktoria Melega, the Secretary and Archivist at the Hungarian Embassy and Ni Made Ayu Marhini of the Indonesian Delegation all made similar comments. "Our Ambassador was so obvious it was gross," said Ms. Melega, "I mean, come on - she's, like, gorgeous and all, but he didn't have to be so obvious about it."

"My friend Miranda, from the Kingdom of the Netherlands - did you know it was a kingdom? - well, anyway, she told me that that Eva girl used to work at the Swedish embassy in Holland and that the Dutch asked her to leave because she was - you know - with one of the Councils of State, I think," said Ms. Csapak, referring to Miranda van Iersel of the Dutch delegation.

Ms. van Iersel could not be reached for comment.

SENATE WATCH



24% of Illinoisians can't be wrong!

WHY WE'RE DEMOCRATS: #70

I might be able to 'vote' two times now!

DESCENDANTS OF MUSSOLINI ANGERED BY BUSH
By Stockton

When descendants of Italy's long deposed fascist dictator, Benito Mussolini read a recent story from the Associated Press, they were livid.

Two Sue Feds Over Anti-Bush T-Shirt Arrest
Tue Sep 14,

By JENNIFER BUNDY, Associated Press Writer

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A couple arrested for wearing anti-Bush T-shirts to a July 4 presidential appearance filed a federal lawsuit on Tuesday alleging their First Amendment rights were violated.

Nicole and Jeff Rank were removed from the event at the West Virginia Capitol in handcuffs after revealing T-shirts with President Bush's name crossed out on the front. Nicole Rank's shirt had the words "Love America, Hate Bush" on the back and Jeff Rank's said "Regime change starts at home."

Their lawsuit was filed in federal court by American Civil Liberties Union attorneys.
"What is at stake here transcends politics," Jeff Rank said at a news conference at the Capitol. "What is at stake is the right of all Americans — Democrats, Republicans and independents, all Americans — to peacefully voice their dissent to their government."

Trespassing charges filed against the couple were later dismissed. The City Council and Mayor Danny Jones have publicly apologized.

The lawsuit names Gregory Jenkins, deputy assistant to the president and director of the White House Office of Presidential Advance, and W. Ralph Basham, director of the U.S. Secret Service, as defendants.

"I dona unastan dis man, Bush," Said Benito Mussolini Jr. a florist in Milan, Italy. "He a acts alla big an talla, thinks he a big Fascist ana yet, dees two people live! He's a givin Fascism a bad name. For God's Sake acta like a man!"

The Mussolni's are worried that the legacy built by their Father, one of repressing dissent at all costs, is being undermined by his spiritual descendant, President George Bush. The concern was echoed by Flora Mussolini, the dictator's granddaughter.

"These a two people, the Ranks, if they did that to Il Duce, whack! Skulls woulda be cracked. They disappear. He putsa up with lawsuits and ana lawyers. He's nota the man Benito was. We wanna our Fascism back!"

The Mussolini's are considering filing an Order to Show Cause to compel Mr. Bush to "stop a acting likea girl" or to severe all ties with Fascism and fascist related policies.

Is Bush tainting Il Duce's legacy?

WEATHERING THE STORM
Editors

We're glad to see that our friends below the Manson-Nixon Line have weathered the various hurricanes thrown at them in the past weeks. Steve, Jen, Rusty , Timshel, and everyone else, we're glad you're safe.

Now, get back to work. We have some Bush lickin' to do!

KERRY OPENS CAN OF WHUP-ASS; OFFERS CLEAR CHOICE
By Tweed

Yesterday, John Kerry opened a can of whup-ass on President George Bush, accusing him of "stubborn incompetence," and plunging into war "without understanding or preparing for the consequences of the post-war." Kerry also outlined his plans, should he be elected President, but urged the President to follow his plans in the interim.

In offering his blunt and negative assessment of the president's performance with respect to Iraq ("The president's policy in Iraq has not strengthened our national security; it has weakened it."), Kerry is going for the jugular - hitting Bush at his strongest.

After outlining the present state of Iraq - bleak - Kerry pointed the finger where blame lays: the President. "The President has made a series of catastrophic decisions - from the beginning - in Iraq. At every fork in the road, he has taken the wrong turn and led us in the wrong direction."

And Kerry made no bones about claiming that Bush had been less than honest with the American people about Iraq - from the beginning:

The first and most fundamental mistake was the President’s failure to tell the truth to the American people. He failed to tell the truth about the rationale for going to war. And he failed to tell the truth about the burden this war would impose on our soldiers and our citizens. By one count, the President offered 23 different rationales for this war. If his purpose was to confuse and mislead the American people, he succeeded.

His two main rationales – weapons of mass destruction and the Al Qaeda/September 11 connection – have been proved false… by the President’s own weapons inspectors … and by the 9/11 Commission. Just last week, Secretary of State Powell acknowledged the facts. Only Vice President Cheney still insists that the earth is flat.
The President also failed to level with the American people about what it would take to prevail in Iraq. He didn’t tell us that well over 100,000 troops would be needed, for years, not months. He didn’t tell us that he wouldn’t take the time to assemble a broad and strong coalition of allies. He didn’t tell us that the cost would exceed $200 billion. He didn’t tell us that even after paying such a heavy price, success was far from assured. And America will pay an even heavier price for the President’s lack of candor.

Kerry pointed out that the President's dishonesty has cost the country dearly, noting that in even moderate muslem nations, like Morracco, Osama bin Laden is more popular than the US, that it is unlikely that our allies will trust us in the future and that Mr. Bush has jeapordized public support in the event of an actual national emergency. And the war in Iraq has also turned our attention away from more pressing concerns, including the need to hunt down and kill bin Laden and the rest of the al Quada network, "threats like North Korea, which actually has weapons of mass destruction, including a nuclear arsenal. . . . the emerging nuclear danger from Iran. . . the tons and kilotons of unsecured chemical and nuclear weapons in Russia . . . and the increasing instability in Afghanistan."

Kerry criticized the President harshly in terms of his performance and candor with respect to Iraq:

This President was in denial. He hitched his wagon to the ideologues who surround him, filtering out those who disagreed, including leaders of his own party and the uniformed military. The result is a long litany of misjudgments with terrible consequences.
The administration told us we’d be greeted as liberators. They were wrong.

They told us not to worry about looting or the sorry state of Iraq’s infrastructure. They were wrong.

They told us we had enough troops to provide security and stability, defeat the insurgents, guard the borders and secure the arms depots. They were wrong.

They told us we could rely on exiles like Ahmed Chalabi to build political legitimacy. They were wrong.

They told us we would quickly restore an Iraqi civil service to run the country and a police force and army to secure it. They were wrong.

In Iraq, this administration has consistently over-promised and under-performed. This policy has been plagued by a lack of planning, an absence of candor, arrogance and outright incompetence.

And the President has held no one accountable, including himself.

Kerry noted that only those who had offered realistic assessments of what to expect in Iraq lost their jobs in the administration (General Shinseki, Larry Lindsey), while the president coughs up yet another excuse for the war (#24 by some accounts) - the possibility that Iraq might have some day decided to try really hard to get weapons of mass destruction.

In one of the more striking parts of the speech, Kerry highlighted Bush's spin policy:

Yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way. How can he possibly be serious? Is he really saying that if we knew there were no imminent threat, no weapons of mass destruction, no ties to Al Qaeda, the United States should have invaded Iraq?

And Kerry offered a clear choice for the future, both with respect to our foreign policy in general and with respect to Iraq:

The President’s insistence that he would do the same thing all over again in Iraq is a clear warning for the future. And it makes the choice in this election clear: more of the same with President Bush or a new direction that makes our troops and America safer. It is time, at long last, to ask the questions and insist on the answers from the Commander-in-Chief about his serious misjudgments and what they tell us about his administration and the President himself. If George W. Bush is re-elected, he will cling to the same failed policies in Iraq -- and he will repeat, somewhere else, the same reckless mistakes that have made America less secure than we can or should be.

In Iraq, we have a mess on our hands. But we cannot throw up our hands. We cannot afford to see Iraq become a permanent source of terror that will endanger America’s security for years to come.

Kerry then outlined four specific proposals for dealing with Iraq. First, Kerry said, the president has to get international support into Iraq - both help that was promised but is not forthcoming and new help, in the form of troops on the ground, trainers for Iraq's burgeoning security forces and reconstruction funds.

Second, Kerry said the president must "get serious" about the training of Iraqi security forces. Third, the reconstruction effort should be revitalized so that real, tangible results can be felt by the average Iraqi citizen. Kerry also suggested that more Iraqi's instead of US company employees be used in that effort. Finally, Kerry claimed that the elections set for January were in jeapordy because of the lack of facilities and the lack of security; therefore, "the President must take immediate, urgent, essential steps to guarantee the promised elections can be held next year."

Kerry noted that because the President had allienated allies and arrogantly refused assistance in the past, foreign assistance could be difficulet to achieve. Further, he claimed that "the president misled, miscalculated and mismanaged every aspect of this undertaking and he has made the achievement of our objective - a stable Iraq, secure within its borders, with a representative government, harder to achieve." Kerry noted that our task gets harder and harder every day.

The Bush/Cheney response was devisive, and typical - fear mongering, personal attacks and a mischaracterization of the facts. Bush keeps saying that Kerry voted to use force, which is technically true. Of course, in that vote, Congress required the president to take many steps before using force, which Kerry claims Bush did not do. Bush's current critique of Kerry only works if we assume Bush was seeking to use force back when he went to Congress.

So which is it, Mr. Bush? Are you trying to mislead us now, by saying Kerry voted for you to go to war? Or were you misleading us back then, when you asked for a resolution authorizing your use of force after taking steps to make sure SH did not have weapons of mass destruction?

Indeed, Bush's response to just about every Kerry proposal or suggestion is a personal attack. This is because he knows that if he runs a campaign on the issues, he loses. . . badly.

Any bets on whether the "news media" gets this story right?

BUSH/REPUBLICANS WIN AWARD
By Stockton

By a near unanimous vote, the Bush Administration and Republicans have won the First Annual J.R.R. Tolkien Fantasy Fiction Award for their epic work of fantasy-fiction, Iraq.


Tolkien Fantasy Award goes to the Bush Administration for Iraq
"We reviewed thousands of works of Fantasy," said Michael Issa, an award judge, "but Iraq really stands apart. They have created a world that doesn't exist, yet they painted it so vividly and with such internal consistency that I feel I've been there. Whether it's streets covered in roses or huge stockpiles of doomsday weapons or rivers of oil paying the tab, it's like you're there."

Fans of the Bush Administration agree. For them, Iraq is a wonderful place where schools and hospitals are open and children live in safety and America is adored.

"I feel I can really escape when I think about Iraq," said Bush supporter Ian Kingsley, 32 of Davenport, Iowa. "After a day of looking for work, I look forward to reading about all the good things happening in Iraq. In Iraq, I could find work in a new hospital or school or on the police force. It must be a truly wonderful place. There isn't another place like it, I don't think. I hope it never ends. If it does, I hope there's a sequel."

Critics agree. Literary critic Thomas Hale, not a fan of the fantasy genre, has nothing but praise for Iraq. "Fantasy has never been my cup of tea," said Hale. "That's becuase the places depicted are too much like places here on Earth. Not this time. This is a true work of monumental imagination. I can honestly say, the world depicted in Iraq exists solely in the author's vast imagination. You may as well be on Mars. It's that creative."

Iraq beat out several other nominees including:

Turning the Corner, an economics-based fantasy work;

I'm Proud of My Service, a fantasy/biography of a National Guardsman; and

The O.J Simpson Guide to a Succesful Marriage.


Note: The people and events depicted in Iraq are fictional and the work of the author's imagination and soley done for the author's re-election chances. Any relationship to actual people and events is purely coincidental.

NEWSFLASH: AMERICAN VOTERS STUPID!
By Tweed

Recent polls show President Bush is viewed by more Americans as being better in a crisis. Despite the facts that Kerry is a decorated Vietnam veteran who served as the commander of a Swift Boat and had to make life and death decisions, the American public is unsure whether Kerry, who helped to uncover the BCCI-Noriega drug money scandal as well as the Iran-Contra arms scandal, is ready to face an international crisis, despite his hard work to resolve the Vietnam MIA/POW controversy and to normalize relations with Vietnam.

"Ah think that George Bush is a great Merican leader," said Rusty Orkney, a mechanic in Bealsley Alabama. "If twern't fur Bush, them crazy al Quada followers and Saddam woulda marched up the Mississippi."

"George Bush has successfully navigated trying times his whole life," said Doug Copperman, an entrepeneur in Seattle Washington. "He avoided the draft, avoided guard service, avoided bankruptcy and avoided jail - and he had to go to his Daddy to do it. That's rough; and that's leadership."

"Well, when he sat in that school for seven minutes after he'd heard our country was under attack," commented Georgia May Cobb, of Cobb County Georgia, "I just know he was praying for the good Lord to help us. That's what I would have done."

The good news for Bush, the straight shooter from Texas, was marred, however, by criticisms levied at the President by Republican Senators Chuck Hagel, Richard Lugar and John McCain, who said, basically, that Bush was a liar and that he was screwing-up in Iraq. "Reminds me of how he performed in English Lit. 104 back in freshman year," noted one Bush friend.

In other campaign news, President Bush, sworn enemy of all terrorists, the man who refuses to even think about negotiating with the bastards, is now in high level negotiations with Syria, one of a handful of nations that openly and unabashedly supports terrorist organizations.

Thank God Al Gore did not get elected!

GOLD STAR MOTHERS
By Stockton

Grieving Mom Heckles Laura Bush, HAMILTON, N.J., Sept. 17, 2004

Two Mothers Mourn

Laura Bush speaking in Hamilton, N.J. (CBS/AP) A woman wearing a T-shirt with the words "President Bush You Killed My Son" and a picture of a soldier killed in Iraq was detained Thursday after she interrupted a campaign speech by first lady Laura Bush. Police escorted Sue Niederer of Hopewell, N.J., from a rally at a firehouse after she demanded to know why her son, Army 1st Lt. Seth Dvorin, 24, was killed in Iraq. Dvorin died in February while trying to disarm a bomb. As shouts of "Four More Years" subsided, Niederer, standing in the middle of a crowd of some 700, continued to shout about the killing of her son. When Bush mentioned the troops abroad, Niederer shouted, "When are yours going to serve?" referring to Bush's 22-year-old twin daughters, who aren't in the armed services. Last week, in an interview with CBS News National Security Correspondent David Martin, Niederer said she sees her son's death as a waste.

Local police escorted Niederer out of the event, handcuffed her and placed her in the back of a police van. Outside the hall, she said she had a ticket and asked why she was being arrested. She was told by police she had entered a private event and had refused to leave, the Trenton Times reported. Niederer was later charged with defiant trespass and released. The charge could lead to a fine and a jail term of up to 60 days but jail time rarely results from such offenses, said a police spokesman. The first lady continued speaking, touting her husband's record on the economy, health care and the war on terror to those attending the rally in this suburban community of 90,000 people near Trenton.

Event planners were ready for such a disruption, stationing volunteers like Karolina Zabawa, 20, in the crowd. "If anybody acts up, I just start chanting, 'Four more years!'" said Zabawa, a Drexel University student.

"That nut just doesn't understand," said Karolina Zabawa, when asked about Ms. Niederer. "Freedom isn't free. We all sacrifice for the war. Look at me, I'm missing a whole day of classes so I can shout down a Gold Star Mother."

SUPPORT PROCTOR & GAMBLE
Editors

Those who speak with God and know the absolute truth have trained their sights upon Corporate Giant, Proctor & Gamble. P & G's sin:

Procter & Gamble, makers of Crest toothpaste and Tide detergent, has publicly thrown their support and money behind the homosexual political agenda. The company recently wrote to all their Cincinnati employees urging them to support the overturning of a city law which forbids giving special rights to homosexuals. In 1993, the citizens in Cincinnati refused to give special rights to homosexuals by a vote of 62% to 38%. P&G is now working to get that law repealed. The company has given $10,000 to help repeal the law.To our knowledge, Procter & Gamble is the first company to support the political agenda of the homosexual movement.While not explicitly saying so, in their public announcement supporting the repeal P&G clearly showed their support for homosexual marriage. P&G said they “will not tolerate discrimination [against homosexuals] in any form, against anyone, for any reason.” To keep homosexuals from being legally married is discrimination for good reason, which P&G says they will not tolerate. Taking them at their word, P&G supports homosexual marriage. American Family Association is asking pro-family groups and individuals to:(1) Boycott two products of P&G—Crest toothpaste and Tide detergent. (Make sure your replacement is not a P&G product.)(2) Call Chairman A.G. Lafley at 513-983-1100 and politely let him know that you are participating in the boycott and will ask others to do the same.(3) Please register your support for the boycott in the form above.(4) Please forward this to your friends and family.(5) Print out this page and distribute at Sunday School, church, etc.NOTE: For a partial list of P&G products, click here.

Now, the really neat thing is, they send you here.

Once at Citizen Link, you can go here.

This allows you to e-mail the CEO and Board of Directors with your Right-Wing righteousness or, as Stockton & Tweed have done, to e-mail P & G with your support. That's right folks, Stockton just used the tools provided by Focus on the Family to e-mail P & G and to offer his support to P & G in this stand against discrimination. We urge you to do the same.

Here's our confirmation e-mail:

Thank you for using Focus on the Family Mail System Message sent to the following recipients: Robert StoreyA.G. LafleyErnesto Zedillo Message text follows:

Stockton Tweed

September 17, 2004[

Stand by your guns and don't let these assholes intimidate you. I'm changing to Tide and Crest.

Sincerely,

Stockton & Tweed

FRIDAY RIGHT-WINGNUTTERY
Tweedly

Here's something I bet you didn't know, from a review of Anne Coulter's diatribe against Bill Clinton:

Ann Coulter hates Bill Clinton because he ran the most unethical administration
in the history of the United States. He taught our children it's okay to lie
under oath. His lack of morals are a disgrace to all right thinking Americans.
And worst of all, his relationships with Cristy Zercher, Elizabeth Ward Gracen,
Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Monica Lewinsky, Hillary
Clinton, Nancy Hernreich, Susan McDougal, Debra Schiff, Sherrie Densuk, Marsha
Scott, and Dolly Kyle Browning directly caused the War on Terror.

Hell; if I knew sex was so dangerous I wouldn't have had three kids!

Next, a truly intellectual review of one of Michael Savage's offerings:

Mr. savage wrote this book excellently in my opinion. he is a model of how all
conservatives should be. I'm a conservative I strongly agree with him, the truth
hurts and i'm not afraid to say that. Only intellectuals can get past the name
calling to see his message the name calling serves to put them in their place.
The facts he states are in fact true, if you would take the time to look them
up. He did a great job on this book buy it read it understand it. DontWas this
review helpful to you?

You caught me - I give up - I'm not an intellectual.

OK, I have no idea at all what this means. I found it on a review for a Sean Hannity book:

WE ARE LIBERALS AND WE ARE BIG AND MEAN AND SCARY!!! WE WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN
AND FEAST ON THEIR BLOOD!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAA!!! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE!!! THE FRENCH
WILL HELP US!!! YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME!!! P.S. SADDAM
LIKES US BETTER THAN YOU!!!

Here's another Hannity fan, who I would really like to see meeting up with Hannity in an alley somewhere:

I sort of like what this guy has to say in his book. I agree with his assertions
for the most part, although alot of what he says bugs me, and I don't always
agree with his manner of putting it across to people.
But all that is unimportant, because I am physically in love with this man. Good grief, he gives me the chills. I am so paralyzed at the sight of those eyes on the cover, they
make my knees turn to twigs. And that absolutely stunning jaw and profile. I
would vote for him for president in a second. I can imagine him coming home late
from some book signing, me at the door to meet him, get him dinner and help him
relax, just be his man in every way. Too bad he probably doesn't share this
idea, but hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

Hey! Who Loves Ya, Baby!

BUSH PHONES KERRY, ASKS FOR HIS CONCESSION
By Stockton
LB in '04 Exclusive September 17, 2004

Late last night, Senator John Kerry received a phone call every Presidential candidate dreads: the one asking him to conceed the White House to the opponent.

According to our sources, President Bush placed a phone call to Senator Kerry at approximately 10:33 P.M. congratulating him on the race and asking him to conceed the election. Aides from both camps compiled the following transcript of the historic phone call:

Bush: I like to congrashulate you on a good rasch...hic, but my little Jeb brother says I've won.

Kerry: Mr. President....umm..... have you been drinking?

Bush: hee, hee. Why for you say that....

Kerry: Maybe we should talk later....

Bush: That there is gotcha politics and I'm not trapping into that fall, hic...

Kerry: Please, Mr. President....

Bush: I call Jeb atmospheric because he's gassy....hic...When Floorda goes red, 'merica is gonna look like it has a big 'ol bo....

Kerry: Click.

Bush: You there? How you like me now!

Polls show that Bush's phone call was very popular, with 48.5% approving, while a meager 49.2% disapproved.

ANOTHER CELEBRITY IN TROUBLE
By Stockton

Acquitted Disney Worker in Trouble Again
Thu Sep 16, 7:47 AM ET

ORLANDO, Fla. - A Walt Disney World worker who was acquitted of charges he fondled a 13-year-old girl while dressed as Tigger has been suspended again, accused of shoving two people while in a Goofy costume.

His lawyer said the man was just "goofing around because he was Goofy."

"He's just spiraling out of control," said long-time friend, Winnie-the-Pooh. "His last movie didn't do well and its taken a toll on him. He'll bounce back. That's the wonderful thing about Tigger."

Not all of Tigger's co-stars are as supportive as Mr. Pooh. "He's been out of control now for a long time. Years, in fact," said Rabbit, another co-star. "It started back when we were still filming. I don't want to spread rumors but, Tigger was never allowed to be alone with Roo for any length of time."

This isn't the first time the reknowned feline has been accused of assualt. Four years ago Tigger pled guilty to harrassment in a case involving Mr. Pooh.

Tigger - No stranger to controversy

Tigger - Before the fall

One close friend, who asked not to be named, believes Tigger may once again be using Catnip. Rumors of Tigger's substance abuse began when he was working on the set of Blustery Day, his first full-length major motion picture.

TEARFUL POWELL ADMITS HE'S PART OF BUSH ADMINISTRATION
By Stockton (this post includes an LB in '04 word puzzle. Find the code hidden in the text)

A tearful Colin Powell went in front of cameras today and admitted he was the Secretary of State in the Bush Administration. Powell, who has not been seen in public since 1992, emerged from seclusion to make the annoucement.

"It is with great sadness that I come forward today and admit that I, Colin Powell, am indeed, the United States Secretary of State for the Bush Administration. I have decided to come forward because I can no longer lie to my family and friends. These past three years have been a nightmare. I could no longer live with the rumors and whispers. I want people to know the truth. I am the Secretary of State!"

Powell explaining his role in foreign affairs

The stunning announcement shocked the United States and the world. For over three years the United States and the world believed the position of Secretary of State had been left vacant, a vestigial cabinet level position no longer needed in today's foreign policy. It remains to be seen whether Powell will assume the role of Secretary of State and or merely acknowledge the positions title.

The White refused to confirm or deny Powell's claim.

MAN WEIGHING HALF-TON DECIDES TO SLIM DOWN
By Stockton

By DORIS HAUGEN, Associated Press Writer
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. - Patrick Deuel, who once weighed more than a half ton, perches on the edge of a super-sized hospital bed in a room specially remodeled to accommodate his girth.

At 1,072 pounds before he entered Avera McKennan Hospital in June, the 42-year-old Valentine, Neb. man, has attracted plenty of attention from the curious as well as the caring. Type his name into an Internet search engine and thousands of references pop up. Casually drop his name in a conversation at coffee and people recognize it almost instantly.

Yet instead of fleeing from his newfound celebrity status, Deuel embraces it. In interview after interview, he talks freely about his obesity as well as his path to a smaller, healthier body.

"So long as people hear what I have to say, as long as I am succeeding in getting my message out — it doesn't bother me," says Deuel, who has dropped more than 370 pounds since entering the hospital in June

Deuel's message: It's time to drop some weight when you start pushing 1,000 lbs.

"Everyone thinks about slimming down, but sometimes it takes a little motivation," says Deuel. "When I was unable to move my neck or lift my thigh, I said, 'time to drop some weight'."

Deuel, whose average daily calorie intakes exceeds that of Bangladesh, has dropped 370 lbs and weighs in at 700 lbs. "I still feel a bit out of shape," says Deuel. "I'd like to get down to a svelte 500 or 550lbs."

For those battling the bulge, Deuel thinks he has the answer to healthy weight loss. "Stop eating that pound of bacon and loaf of toast for breakfast. Instead of drinking heavy cream with your Count Chocula, try Half-and-Half. Also, cut out those in-between meal snacks like pork roast and tires. Try a porterhouse steak instead. Never eat more than you can lift. Six full meals a day should satisfy anybody."

LB IN 04 FASHION QUEEN SPEAKS OUT (and Tweed responds)
By Tweed

Recently, we asked our expert on fashion to answer a few question troubling Stockton & Tweed. As usually, Jen made transparent that which was opaque:

S&T: What would Jesus wear while going door-to-door for Keyes?

Jen: The Republicans would never allow Jesus to go door-to-door for Keyes because he would scare little children. "His appearance was so disfigured beyond that of anyman and His form marred beyond human likeness….He hadno beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing inHis appearance that we should desire Him. He wasdespised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, andfamiliar with suffering. Like one from whom men hidetheir faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not." Isaiah 52:14 - 53:1-3

S&T: Yikes! Sounds like that guy I ran into in that alley down in the East Village! If I were a draft dodging meany who is allergic to goodness and happiness, how can I soften my image?

Jen: Be seen kissing babies and playing fetch with puppies.

S&T: Yeah, we checked with the Prince of Darkness. . .


"Vut, are you insane!?"

S&T: Are there any clothes that John Edwards does not look good in?

Jen: Tweed.

Tweed: What?!?!? D'ya heea that Holmes?!?



I must respectfully disagree. I do agree with the sentiment that tweed is not suited for everyone. There are times when the substance is a mistake:



But then again, who can resist the allure of fine English tweed?



It's great for many things. Handbags. . .



Ties. . .



And even hats.




(Just look at how happy she is!)

Heck! Even Prada knows that tweed is the way to go!



And of course, not even John Edwards could resist the charms of a Harris Tweed jacket.



Besides, these chicks love me (and the last one looks a little slutty):

SHERIFF NORQUIST ON THE HUNT
By Tweed

Anti-tax nut Grover Norquist has been annointed sheriff-at-large by the anti-tax wing of the Republican party, and is relishing the job.

"I can't wait to form a posse and hunt down all RINOs ["republicans in name only"] and give them the justice they deserve," said Norquist upon his appointment. His rhetoric did prompt some questions, however, when he commented that "the only good tax and spend Republican is a dead tax and spend Republican." Rather than being literal, Norquist said, he "wanted to convey a message, that anti-tax is the soul of the party."


Sheriff Norquist is Ready for the Job

Norquist also rolled out "unwanted" posters, showing the "traitor Virginians" who voted for tax increases during the last session to avoid a budget crisis. Norquist rounded up a posse of anti-tax gun nuts, comprised mostly of supply-side economics professors from state universities, and gave them their mission: "Now boys, y'all know what these evil doers look like, and y'all know what they done. It's time to track 'em down. And don't you worry nothin' about paying your way - Uncle Sam is funding us on this mission, which the President said is crucial for his economic plans."

Norquist and posse rode away into the sunset in their Hummers.

BUSH SPEAKS TO NATIONAL GUARDSMAN; LAUNCHES NEW CAMPAIGN THEME
By Tweed

Just days after launching his new campaign theme, "Snort the Vote," President Bush will speak before a gathering of National Guardsmen to honor their service in Afgahnistan and Iraq. LB in 04 has obtained a copy of his prepared remarks.

The President expresses a number of different sentiments in his prepared remarks, first honoring the guardsmen, but then noting that they are all "suckers" for joining at a time when the Guard actually fights for the country - in stark contrast to what he describes as his service in the "party guard."



Bush also tries to put to rest recent criticism of his initial reaction to hearing that the United States had suffered its worst and most tragic terrorist attack - sitting with a bunch of school kids for seven minutes. In his remarks, Bush tells us he was "thinking about what to do, about how to turn this evility to something good for the Bush family."

The President also tries to put to rest concerns over not finding any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, noting that "it's kinda like when you lose your keys."

NEW BLOG ON THE BLOCK

LB in '04 would like to welcome Dog Fight '04 to the fold (even though we obtained a copyright on '04). Dog Fight is a hard hitting site that provides excellent analysis and story links (check out the posts on Kerry's testimony re: Vietnam, which utterly destroys the "He betrayed his fellow soldiers and accused them of...." propaganda) in the struggle against the forces of darkness. Dog Fight starts out strong, with a gentle hint of pro-Kerryness, but the bouquet is strong and anti-Bush. It finishes with a nice aroma of vanilla and dark cherry, with an excellent aftertaste. Good now or can be stored for three-to-five years. And best of all, it's free.


Dog Fight '04 - Reporting for Duty

GOP SCHISM DEEPENS
By Stockton

All-out war has nearly been declared between the two wings of the modern Republican Party as the Bush campaign struggles to point to something it's accomplished in the last four years. The winner of the war might just determine Bush's campaign strategy from now until election day.

The Grand Old Party, now splintered into the Hate Wing and Scare Wing, wished to avoid this type of schism in a Presidential Election year.

"I think it had to happen," says Hate Wing leader Senator Rick Santorum (PA). "We have to stand for something and I believe hate is our future."

Santorum said that he sponsored a poll that indicates Americans are aching to hate someone. "It's part of our heritage," says Santorum. "We really, truly don't feel alive unless we have an enemy. Foreign enemies are okay but domestic enemies are even better."

Santorum says the party is split on whether to focus their hate on homosexuals or foreigners. One small group wants to zero in on foreign homosexuals. "It's probably going to be the homos. It fits in nicely with the whole Constitutional Amendment thing. But, we haven't ruled out foreigners." A resolution to hate Icelanders didn't make it out of committee.



Santorum hasn't ruled out cripples but is leaning towards homosexuals

Vice-President Dick Cheney, leader of the Scare Wing, disagrees with Santorum. Speaking from his crypt, the Vice-President said, "Scaring the hell out of people is the way to go. We've tried the hate thing and it hardly ever works. We just need to hammer home the fact that if Kerry is elected, we will all burn to death in a huge conflagration after our women are raped by the infidel."


Vice-President Cheney want to go with a morepositive and upbeat 'Scare' message.

Other possible groups that the GOP is considering hating include:
1) North American Man-Dog Love Association;
2) The Salvation Army;
3) The New York Yankees;
4) The FBI;
5) Single Moms;
6) Veterans of Foreign Wars;
7) New York Giants Fans;
8) Orphans.

BUSH GUARD MEMO IS FORGERY
By Stockton

In a shocking revelation, CBS and Dan Rather have apologized for releasing the infamous Bush National Guard Memos. The Memos allegedly established that Bush had refused to comply with a direct order from a superior officer. The Memos also purported to show that Bush's commanding officer felt himself to be in a quandary when dealing with a son of privilege.

Today it was announced that yes, indeed, the memos were forgeries. LB in '04 has since learned that the forger was none other than White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

"I did it to protect my President," said Card. "I didn't want the country to see what those memos really said. We'll need the President because without him, we'll be attacked again."

LB in '04 now publishes, in excerpted fashion, a paragraph of the 'original' memo written by Bush's commanding officer.

"I know he's the son of a congressman, but I can't have him showing up coked up out of his mind. I let that whole abortion thing go, but the other day he was so drunk he tried to take his pants off over his head. Today, he was talking to his hand. I have to put him on report and can only hope he finds Jesus."

PS. Isn't this new proportional spacing nifty? I just love New Times Roman font.

Card is shown here forging more memos after testing the new Lemon Pledge

A TIME TO CHILL
Editorial

OK, all you democrats out there, it's time to chill.

Stockton and Tweed have noted a touch of hysteria out in blog world and the real world regarding the status of the presidential race. CALM DOWN.

Kerry is doing just fine. Could he do better? Yes. Could he do worse? Yes. Could Bush be doing worse? Could he do better? Hell yes!

Let's look at some current polling data, shall we?

Pennsylvania: Kerry has gone up and down in Pennsylvania - frequently over 50%. Bush's "gains" there have been marginal at best. He's about as close to 50% as he's going to get. After the convention, Bush's numbers went up slightly, and Kerry dropped a lot. But Kerry is moving back up. Pennsylvania looks a lot like it did in 2000.

Ohio: Kerry and Bush have been trading the lead here. The convention gave Bush a bounce, but it looks like it's evening out again.

Virginia: OK. Stop and think for a minute. I'm about to talk about Virginia in a presidential race. Kerry won't win, most likely. But he's doing much better than expected. He's actually moved up in the polls since the RNC convention.

North Carolina: See Virginia. But Kerry has less of a chance for a win.

Florida: Bush got a bounce. But he's polled better there. It is still neck and neck.

Iowa: Bush got a slight bounce - and Kerry is pulling away.

Wisconsin: Closer than we'd like, but Kerry still has the edge. Bush has not yet polled 50% there - even with the convention bounce.

Michigan: Not a battleground. Michigan is Kerry's.

Minnesota: See Michigan.

Missouri: The convention sent Bush soaring and Kerry tumbling. But it looks like its narrowing again. The last poll has the candidates 2 points apart.

Arkansas: No bounce for Bush. It is close - Kerry could pull it out.

Colorado: Closer than it should be for Bush. No convention bounce for the president.

Nevada: Bounce for Bush, but not too much. Kerry is very competative here.

New York: Bush's bounce got him to 37%.

Oregon: Kerry is slipping a little. But Bush still trails him by a lot.

California: Bush got a bounce that brought him above 45%. But three polls since then have him below 45%.

West Virginia: It is slipping away from Kerry.

In sum. The race remains substantially the same as it was prior to the conventions.

Don't be democrats right now. Don't be so pessimistic. Don't be so reflective and introspective. This campaign is winnable, and our candidate is doing alright.

SNORT THE VOTE
By Stockton



I'm Dubya and I approve this blow

NEW PRODUCT HAS BAD DEBUT
By Stockton

A new product, 'The Home Circumcision Kit and Bible' recently hit the market, with mixed reviews.

Dad Allegedly Attempts Son's Circumcision
The Associated Press

VANCOUVER, Wash. Sept. 8, 2004 — A father who allegedly tried to circumcise his 8-year-old son in the bathroom after reading selections from the Bible has been charged with first-degree assault of a child.

Edwin Bruce Baxter, 33, was charged Tuesday in Clark County Superior Court. Judge Diane Woolard set bail at $50,000 and scheduled an arraignment for Sept. 17.

If convicted, Baxter faces at least 10 years in prison.

According to a probable-cause affidavit, Baxter told sheriff's deputies he tried to circumcise his son with a knife Friday after reading Genesis 17 and Exodus 4 both passages refer to the procedure.

He became concerned and called 911 when the boy appeared to be losing too much blood.
Baxter told deputies he had no medical training.

The boy was taken to Southwest Washington Medical Center, where he received several stitches.

Attorney General John Ashcroft has expressed interest in a law that would mandate the Bible as a required text in medical schools.

WINGNUT FRIDAY
By Stockton

Here's another addition of Wingnut Friday. Forget polls, pollsters and political analysts. These are examples of why Bush is competitive in any political race (remember, by definition, half of all americans are of below average intelligence). Here there be reviews of Bush's Biography, "A Charge to Keep". Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

BUSH IS AN UNDERRATED TOP GUN FIGHTER JOCK, June 14, 2004
Reviewer:

Steven R. Travers (CALIFORNIA) - See all my reviews I finally read this book, and did so in light of the mounting criticism of Bush as "dumb," along with attempts to discredit his military career. My sense at this point is to look at the available empirical evidence. George W. Bush was admitted to Yale and graduated in four years. He was a legacy, so getting in was assured, but many students do not graduate in four years, as he did. This is to his credit. His grades have not been released, but most of those who were there say he was about a B- student, which is quite respectable.

Next, he entered the U.S. Air Force, their version of the Reserves, which in his case was the Texas Air Guard. Perhaps he received some favoritism over others in getting a slot, but the evidence is he did not. The fact is, he was willing to "go jets," which few were willing or qualified to try out for. Bush went through a series of rigorous tests and passed them. He entered flight school, where the "wash out" rate is about 80 percent. He passed. He entered flight test, where the wash out rate is quite high. He passed. He qualified and flew jets. Here is the thing: People make movies and write books about this experience. "The Right Stuff", "Top Gun", "An Officer and a Gentleman" are all about exceptional young men who walk this trial by fire. Bush is one of them. He is a Top Gun - no, not the actual guys who are selected for Miramar by the Navy, not a Blue Angel, not Chuck Yeager, but he is one of an elite group of awesome Americans.

When Fleet Week comes around, and I see these pilots walking around town, my first reaction is that by virtue of having those wings they are top flight individuals, outstanding people. I do not ask whether they flew in combat or missed some drills. I know if they are wearing that uniform and have those wings they are studs. Bush was one of those men.

Is it me, or is there something really gay about this review? Bush is a Top Gun, an elite, awesome American? He also calls him a"stud". Stevie's in love...Stevie's in love. So lets sum up, Bush graduated college in four years. OK, impressive. Probably a feat that is only accomplished 3.8 million times a year. Does Stevie know his Top Gun was grounded and essentially useless as a warrior? And I thought stalkers were too busy building basement shrines to read books.

Gw Bush is a great Prezident!, June 1, 2004
Reviewer:

wordnat "wordnat" (boise, idaho United States) - See all my reviews People who dont like "dub-yah" (as his dad the ist bush )herber Walker, jr. called him when he (GWB) was a kid in the past) arent good people of the USA if you ask me. if you watch the media which is read by democrats you get the idea that bush is not bright. this is wrong -- he's as bright as 1000 lightbulbs which is another thing that his dad said. it doesn't bother me that he doesn't read he has more to do than read while fighter wars to help others be able to go to church like we (usa) do. all clinton ever did was read. he needed to read less.

I just remembered why we have laws against incest. Who is the 'ist' Bush? Does he mean First Bush? And isn't that Laura? "When he was a kid in the past"? His father said he's as bright as 1000 lightbulbs? Whoa, wordnat. That's pretty fucking bright! Plus a new allegation: the media is read by Democrats. And wordnat, you really don't have to tell us how you feel about literacy. Your prose says it all.

Hear him out!, March 1, 2001
Reviewer:
devon (va) - See all my reviewsEveryday we see him in the newspapers, thirdhand accounts of his beliefs and ideas. Now he tells you his side. This book is so inspirational, it really gives hope to America. You won't find bogged down descriptions of policy and the problems getting it passed in this book; it's all about "Dubya" himself. Do yourself a favor, and get to know and understand his policies so that as an American citizen you can have a better understanding of the issues.

So, Devon, we won't get bogged down in "descriptions of policy" but we should read the book to understand his policies? I'll pass and so will I. I think that about sums it up.


Remember folks, as much as you venerate the republican form of government, citizen participation and equality, Steve, Wordnat and Devon are allowed to vote. Democracy does have its drawbacks.

ACTIVE DUTY GUARDSMEN RUSH TO JOIN ALABAMA POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS
By Stockton

Thousands of active duty National Guardsmen, many currently serving in Iraq, have rushed to join various Alabama political campaigns. Following in the footsteps of their Commander-in-Chief, many Guardsmen feel they may be more valuable going door-to-door in Alabama than serving in Iraq.

"I'm not denigrating service in Iraq," said Guardsman Russell Tippins, 25 of Skokie, Illinois. "That's an important job. I just feel I'm really needed in Alabama. There are a lot of elections going on there and they're in desperate need of staffers."

Virginia Bennett, from Bennett, Virginia, has been in Iraq for the last 10 months. "I just heard that I could go to Alabama and work on campaign. I think that's great. They never mentioned that when I signed up. The best part, apparently, is I don't really have to tell any of my commanding officers where I am or what I'm doing."

Mike Nattoli is excited to be working on the campaign of State Senator Jesse Tanner, a man and cause the young Guardsman really believes in. "Who?....Oh yeah, I'm really excited to be working on the campaign of Mayor....Tess Jenner....Jesse Senate.....because I'm a young Guardsman who really believes in whomever I'm working for. Can I go now?"

The Pentagon expects 93.7% of Guardsman to take a "Bush" and help support the democratic process in Alabama.