LICKIN BUSH IN'04 "WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAMS"

TOOMEY PICKS UP THE PIECES
By Stockton

U.S. Representative Pat Toomey, who just lost a primary to Senator Arlen Specter, has now made plans for the future.

"Thousands of Pennsylvanians live outside of Pennsylvania. Some are in New York, others in Maryland and New Jersey. We feel they are being ill-treated by their adopted states. I'm calling on the Pennsylvania Militia to go into those areas and protect those of Pennsylvanian ancestry."

Toomey went on to say that Pennsylvanians would need more "lebensraum" in the near future.

In a related story, HUGE news is brewing over at ToomeyBlog. It's so big, HUGE is capitalized. That's how big it is!

We here at LB in '04 hate to steal another Blogs scoop, but what the hell.

We have learned that Congressman Toomey intends to wed at the end of May. We wish the bride and groom, all the best.

We caught up with Congressman Toomey at the local Quicki-Mart. "Oh, I'm definitely the bottom," he said reaching for a tube of 'Slide-Right-In Anal Ointment'. "Barney's a top, all the way."

REPUBLICAN GUARD CAPTURES FALLUJAH
By Stockton

Brushing away almost four years of bravado like "Bring 'em on!" and "We will not negotiate with terrorists!" the Bush Administration has allowed former Republican Guard General Jasim Mohammed Saleh to take control of that part of Falluja not controlled by insurgent terrorists.

The White House vehemently denies that characterization. Said one White House lap dog, "we are not negotiating with terrorists or ex-Baath Party members or Saddam's old general's."

The White House spokesman stated, "we misidentified those fighters in Falluja. They are not foreign terrorists. They are merely engaged in random acts of 'youthful indiscretion'. And that's that. Besides, all this is over a parking space."

In related news, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld accidentally told the truth last night on Hard Ball. In response to questions from Chris Mathews, Mr. Rumsfeld stated that there was not a connection between 9/11 and Iraq, nor did President Bush ever asked his own secretary of Defense whether he supported going to war.

KERRY, DNC TO RETURN GORE MILLIONS

Former Vice-President Al Gore recently handed over 6$ million dollars to aid the Kerry camapign as well as Democratic congressional campaigns. Lickin'Bush has learned that the funds will soon be returned to Mr. Gore.

After an exhaustive study and analysis, the Kerry Campaign has determined that ample evidence exists to declare Mr. Gore a "jinx".

"The guy is like Oliver," said one Kerry advisor, referencing the hapless Brady Bunch cousin who seemed plagued by bad luck.

The Kerry advisor offered a litany of Gore "jinxes". "The guy lost in '88, his father died, he was in Vietnam and we lost, he lost in 2000 when he actually won and he endorsed Dean and we know where that ended up. Thanks but no thanks."

It is now widely believed that the Gore "jinx" was largely responsible for President Clinton's impeachment.

Brady Bunch cast members diagree with the comparison.

"Oliver never lost to Bush, I mean, come on!" Said Ann B. Davis, who portrayed Alice.

"I don't really give a fuck about Oliver or Gore," commented Mike Lookinland, who portrayed Bobby. "Christ, I haven't worked in over twelve years and I'm this close to hussling blowjobs outside of Grumann's and you're asking me this shit!"

Oliver was not available for comment.

LICKIN BUSH IN 04 BRAIN TEASER:
HOW MANY US MILITARY DEATHS IN IRAQ?

You may think that this Brain Teaser is an easy one - but look out! Twists and turns abound.

According to Paul Wolfowitz, no. 2 at the Pentagon and George Bush look-alike, there are about 500 - 350 or so related to combat.

But according to some "media" accounts, the numbers are 722 dead, 521 related to combat.

Who should we believe?

We know the President gets his news filtered, frequently by going right to the source - right to the actual participants.

Like Wolfowitz.

Hmmm.

This is about the level of respect for the men and women who are on the ground, putting their lives at risk to protect us, I've come to expect from the brave chickenhawks who have brought us to this war.

L. PAUL BREMER: PROTO-TRAITOR!
By Tweed

Wow! Iraq administrator L. Paul Bremer is a traitor!

In a speech prior to the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, Iraq administrator L. Paul Bremer echoed the criticisms of Richard Clarke claiming that the Bush administration was not serious about terrorism. Followers of the Bush administration's "War on Traitors" are speculating what consequences may fall on Bremer.

"We expect to be asked to haul out the smear machine," said one White House flunky, veteran of the Battle Against Richard Clarke, brandishing a white paper entitled "Bremer and Child Molestation." LB in 04 political commentator Pillsbury suggested that Bremer may go missing after not showing up to his plane out of Iraq, as a consequence. "I'd watch my ass," said Pillsbury.

But Pillsbury saw another result possible as well: "There is a distinction here that Karl Rove might figure out," said Pillsbury. "Bremer made these comments before he joined the administration - thus he is not a complete traitor. And his lack of faith in the administration can be pointed to as the cause of our failures in Iraq."

LB in 04 has unconfirmed reports of the President saying "can't wait to get that Negro, Ponte out there to Iran so that that that other fella, you know, that guy out there who is expendable, can, you know, get expended." When confronted with statements from White House staffers about the planned blitz, Bush replied "I didn't get a blow job."

DEMOCRAT SAVES WOMAN FROM MOLESTERS
By Pillsbury

Georgia blogger Steve, who likes to write, helped our friend Shelley from the seditious and purient overtures of LB in 04 publishers Stockton & Tweed (See comment to 4/29 Post).

Despite denying Stockton & Tweed the opportunity to engage in some very un-Republican activities with a hot blogger, Stockton & Tweed agreed that Steve's weblog is a good place for news and commentary on national and Georgia politics. Our parole officer agrees.

Stockton & Tweed hope that this endorsement of fellow blogger Steve (this must be him) will keep him from interfering with further Stockton & Tweed daliances.

LICKIN BUSH DRIVES GIRL NUTS!
By Stockton and Tweed

Stockton and Tweed have discovered that their hard-hitting, Pulitzer Prize deserving reporting and commentary drives one hot blogger nuts!

Visit her site for some actual entertainment (and behave yourselves!)

Thanks Shelley!

"FACTS NOT IN PUBLIC INTEREST"
By Stockton

Presidential surrogate, Sinclair Broadcast Group, has decided not to air a Nightline program because it will disclose names and photographs of US soldiers killed in Iraq.

The general counsel to Sinclair, whose executives are major financial backers of Bush, stated that disclosing such information is "not in the public interest."

Huh?

Since when are facts not in the public interest?

We're confused about Sinclair's position. Either Sinclair supports the President's policies and wants to hide the consequences of his policies, or they are ashamed of President Bush and want to hide the consequences of his policies. Please contact Sinclair and find out which: Contact Sinclair by phone: 410/568-1500 or by fax: 410/568-1533 (fax).

In any event, Sinclair does not want the American public to know the names and faces of those of us who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

INTERROGATION OF PRESIDENT OVER
By I.L. Newcombe

After shooting the shit with the 9/11 Commission, Vice-President Cheney and President Bush relaxed in the Rose Garden.

After discussing the failures that led to the massacre of 3,000 innocent Americans, President Bush said, "I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I took the time...I enjoyed it." (an actual quote)

Yes, Mr. President, we're certainly glad 'you' enjoyed it. Maybe next week we can enjoy talking about lynchings or the 700 dead American Service Men or Ebola. That would be a real hoot.

As for his part, Vice - President Cheney said he was "proud of my boy! He didn't fidget or get impatient at all. And, we were there for four hours."

President Bush will spend the remainder of his day playing with Tranformers (Robots in disguise) after some sleepy time.

VA REPUBLICANS CONDEMN BIPARTISANSHIP
By Stockton

WARNING!!! ACTUAL QUOTATIONS INCLUDED

Vocalizing for the first time the national Republican first principle, Virginia Republicans, who control both houses of the Virginia legislature, have condemned bipartisanship, cooperation and sanity after passing a budget saving tax increase at the behest of Democratic Governor Mark Warner and members of the sane-wing of the Republican party. "I think some of the people who stepped out and worked with the governor and worked with the Senate will find they have challenges in primaries or challenges in general elections," said House Speaker William J. Howell (R). "We tried to sit those guys down. . . . But I don't think they ever felt like there would be any repercussions if they didn't," added anti-tax wingnut Delagate David B. Albo (R), referring to members of the sane wing of the Virginia Republican party.

Evil, unpatriotic, tax-and-spend Democrats tried to put a positive spin on the tax increase: "We avoided a government shutdown, we preserved our credit rating, we governed responsibly," said Delegate Brian J. Moran (D).

FATHER AND SON DAY AT THE 9/11 COMMISSION
By Tweed

The Bush/Cheney team practiced before testifying before the 9/11 Commission and LickinBush has the exclusive photograph of the rehearsal.

RESULTS OF LB IN 04 POLL:
BUSH SUCK FACTOR TOO HUGE TO QUANTIFY!
By Stockton

Results from LB in 04 highly scientific internet poll are in, and the news is not good for the president. According to internet users who visit the LB in 04 website and who take the time to scroll down to our poll and actually vote, Bush's suck factor is too huge to really measure (55%). Only 20% thought that his suck factor constituted "huge amounts," while 25% responded with "mega suckage."

No respondents to the poll claimed Bush sucked "alot," which was the result Bush was advocating. At a press conference in Tennessee, Bush addressed the issue just before an outdoor Molly Hatchet reunion concert: "I'm president, and I know the value of my sucking - and I'm not at that point where it is saying where I am. I suck this much - alot and not more than when I do this. No matter what, they say it all, but it isn't and all that - they, think, like going nukuler, or something, but no more than this much."

Back in Washington, the president tried to deflect questions about the poll by describing what he would look like if he were a woman.

LETS TALK WAR RECORDS
By Stockton

If they want to go there, and Reichsfuhrer Gillespie did want to see the evaluation of Kerry's superiors, lets tag along. Let us see what Kerry's commanders had to say.

"A top notch officer in every measurable trait. ENS Kerry is one of the finest young officers I have ever met, and without question one of the most promising." - Capt. Allen W. Slifer, 1967.

"In a combat environment often requiring independent, decisive action, LTJG Kerry was unsurpassed." - Lt. Cmdr. George Elliott.

Elliott went on to note that Kerry, "emerges as the acknowledged leader in his peer group."

Damning stuff, Mr. Gillespie.

Lets see what Bush's colleagues had to say about the current President of the United States.

"He always knows where to get the best coke." - Anonymous Friend.

"As a drinker, Lt. Bush has clearly emerged as the leader in his peer group." - Lt. Cmdr. Jacob -----.

"When it comes to shirking military duty, Bush demonstrated imagination and quick, decisive action." - George Herbet Walker Bush.

Any questions?

HOW DOES ONE SATIRIZE THE SATIRICAL
By Tweed

This is too funny to be true. Alas, it is true.

According to one backer of the project, "the world-class university will be based on Judeo-Christian and Reagan values." Although, students have been told it's okay to forget where your class is or who your professor is. Grades will be handed out based on astrological signs and charts.

Courses will include:

1. How to knock-up a women before your married;

2. How to leave your first wife;

3. Dealing with resentful children who you've enstranged and other family values;

"This was a man so into family values," said one Colorado legislator, "that he had two families!"

Honorary degrees may be sold for hostages and to raise funds for the Ollie North Wing of the Student Honor Board Building.

HOW PATHETIC IS THIS?
By Stockton

Attorney General John Ashcroft, the chief law enforcement officer of the United States, may have committed a crime when he lost his 2000 Senate bid to a dead man. The allegations center around campaign finance law which Ashcroft describes as, "a set of suggestions."

Parroting Republican strategy, such an allegation is all we need to know to seek Ashcroft's removal from office and incarceration for criminal behavior. He should also be disbarred from the practice of law.

The Justice Department, headed by Ashcroft, will investigate. Specifically, the Public Integrity Unit, headed by Ashcroft, will handle the cover......investigation.

The head of the Public Integrity Unit, whose boss is Ashcroft, has assured us that this will be a thorough and complete investigation and no favoritism will be shown to his boss.

"We are quite capable of handling this investigation," said the Deputy Attorney General in charge of the investigation. "It will be conducted like any other investigation against any other suspect. In fact, when John comes over this weekend for dinner, I'll ask him a few questions about all this fuss. He wouldn't lie to me, I'm his son's god-father."

A White House mouthpiece was quick to point out that there are no allegations of any blow jobs.

GEORGE BUSH READS LB IN 04!
By Pillsbury

Putting to rest rumors that George Bush uses Condi and Cheney (a/k/a "Smiley"), LB in 04 has uncovered strong evidence that the President is a reader of LB in 04.

"We were shocked ourselves to discover the evidence," said Stockton. "We were never really convinced that he actually could read. Nonetheless, the evidence is there, plain to see."

"We noticed, using our hi-tech, state of the art and free tracking software that we were getting hits from 'yale.edu,'" added Tweed. "We put two and two together and figured that he must be using his alumni email account to access our site."

"We're very flattered," said Stockton, "and glad to know that the President is not so busy that he doesn't have time for some light entertainment."

ADMINISTRATION STRUGGLES WITH DEFINITION
By Stockton

Bush Administration officials have been working overtime, hitting Webster's and the New Collegiate Dictionary.

"Our problem is," said one administration toadie, "we've been calling it a cease-fire, but it may not be. I mean, you know us....we like to be accurate."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been struggling all week for a new description of what is now occuring in Iraq.

"The Secretary has looked up war, insurgency, rebellion, killing, explosions and alot of other things, but nothing quite fits," said one Pentagon hack. Also rejected by the Secretary of Defense, were the following descriptions:

1. Faux-Fire;

2. People firing when they're not supposed to;

3. Oops-Fire;

4. I didn't mean that-Fire;

5. Semi-Cease-Fire;

6. Neo-Cease-Fire;

7. I'm glad my kid isn't over there-Fire;

8. Clinton got a blow job.

Administration officials hope to have this matter cleared up before they move on to granting Iraq "sovereignty."

NY CREATING YOUNG REPUBLICANS
By Tweed

The Republican controlled State Senate has pulled back from tougher high school graduation standards and will allow anyone with a pulse to graduate from high school.

Such a move is seen as a political ploy to boost Republican enrollment. As one NY GOP operative stated, "Today's Republican Party is built on this type of thinking. We've noticed that the more educated the populace, well, that's when we lose."

UPDATED ANALYSIS
By Stockton

LickinBushin'04 has learned another reason for the defeat of Pat Toomey in Tuesday's primary. Apparently, 15,000 to 20,000 Toomey supporters chose to go to the opening of the brand new James Kobb shrine and forgot about Toomey.

"It was a tough call," said one Toomey supporter. "When you have to choose between two right-wing icons, it gets confusing."

THE PA PRIMARY
By Stockton and Tweed

Now that the dust has settled, and moderate Republican incumbent Arlen Specter has sealed a victory, albeit by a razor-thin margin, over Wingnut, Bend Over & Give It Toomey, we now reflect on the consequences of the results. Pundits will abuse this story for a few days of "news and analysis," and we'll hear a lot of talk about what this means for the presidential election. Most of it will be bullshit. Here's the straight skinny:

If Wingnut had won, PA would have been an easier win for Kerry in 04. PA democrats outnumber republicans, and the state went decidedly for Gore in 2000. PA is a solid moderate state. With Toomey on the ballot, Bush would look less and less like the moderate he pretends to be (and needs to be to win).

Here is the state of affairs now: Specter is a tried and true trusted Senator and will help Bush's efforts in the state. Countering that, however, are the following:

1. PA now has a democratic governor. The party machine will come out strong for Kerry in PA, giving Kerry an advantage Gore did not have. This is particularly crucial because of the clear democratic lean of the state.

2. Kerry and Bush are tied in PA polling. This is huge for Kerry. Toomey and Specter have been campaigning on a theme of "who is best for Bush." Bush ads have saturated the airwaves and the Dauphin is still not outpolling Kerry - huge.

3. Pennsylvania has never demonstrated real self-destructive behavior, the likes of which are seen in our poorest states, MS and AL.

4. Pennsylvania voters value diversity (see comments below).

When voters were asked about the primary, one issue was decisive: diversity. Said one Scranton Republican, "We have Santorum for the douchebags, now we'll have Specter for the rest of us."

A Philadelphia resident said, "At least now there's a chance we can sodomize animals. With Toomey, that right may have been taking away from us."

UPDATE: Toomey was last seen scouring his garbage cans looking for his copy of the United States Constitution. "We'll see what the Supreme Court has to say about this!"

FORECAST FOR PA: PARTLY SANE

By Pillsbury

In a stinging rebuke to LB in 04 editors, the Republican voters in Pennsylvania rejected Wingnut "Bend Over & Give it" Toomey for their tried and true moderate Republican Senator, Arlen Specter, in a brutal primary battle.

Both Toomey and Specter credited LB in 04's endorsement of Toomey as critical to the results: "Thank god for those jerk-offs," said Specter, while Toomey was more circumspect, saying "If I ever get my hands on those fuckers, I'll tear their goddamn livers out through their noses!"

LB in 04 editors were also somewhat circumspect. "Bring it on, god-boy!" was editor Stockton's initial response; Tweed giggled and added "And I thought he was a nice kid!"

Further analysis is forthcoming.

DO THEY REALLY WANT TO GO THERE?
By Stockton

In a move reminiscent of trading Sammy Sosa, the Wingnuts continue to raise the issue of Senator John F. Kerry's COMBAT MEDALS. We say, lets talk about Kerry's COMBAT MEDALS! We'll talk about Kerry's COMBAT MEDALS all they want.

Let us take a looksie. Kerry was awarded the following:

1. Silver Star with Combat V for gallantry in action;

2. Bronze Star with Combat V for Heroic Service;

3. Three Purple Hearts;

4. Combat Action Ribbon;

5. Presidential Unit Citation;

6. Navy Unit Commendation for Heroism;

7. National Defense Service Medal for honorable service;

8. Vietnam Service Medal;

9. Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross for heroic conduct;

Plus two more, but I'm getting tired of listing Kerry's
COMBAT MEDALS.

Now, lets take a look at the Dauphin's medals (and Cheney's for that matter).

1. 1 Silver Beer Can Opener for Heroic Binge Drinking;

2. 1 Gold Beer Can Opener for continuing to Binge Drink after Vomiting;

3. 3 Silver Cocaine Vials (tossed onto the White House Lawn when Police cruiser spotted);

4. Texas Campaign Ribbon with Spare Rib Clusters;

5. Alabama Campaign Ribbon for excellent dental hygiene record;

6. Order of the Leap Frog 1st Class for leaping over 500 applicants for National Guard placement.

Cheney's only medal is the Croix St. Frank Perdue, awarded to those who had priorities other than stopping Communism.

Lets talk about COMBAT MEDALS you fucking hypocrits!

LAST MINUTE APPEAL FOR TOOMEY
Editorial

As our readers know, Lickin Bush in '04 has endorsed wingnut Pat Toomey for United States Senate. The primary is tomorrow and The Weasel needs all the votes he can get. Hence, our last minute appeal to Republican voters.

Tomorrow, drop you semi-automatic weapons, take a break from beating the wife, postpone purchasing that brand-new high powered scope designed for abortion doctors, extinguish those burning crosses and get out and vote.

This has been a public service announcement from Lickin Bush in '04.

POWELL FATHERED BLACK SON
By I.L. Necombe

Angered by Powell's perceived criticism of Bush's Iraq War policy, Republican Sleaze Meisters are gearing up to attack the nation's first African American Secretary of State.

In an exclusive, Lickin Bush has learned that later this week Powell will be accused of failing to register for the draft and of fathering a black son. The floating of these rumors was confirmed by an unnamed source at the Committee to Reappoint the President (CRAP).

When it was pointed out that Powell actually served in Vietnam and had a son by his long-time wife, the source shurgged his shoulders. "The facts are the facts. These facts are 110% accurate."

A Powell spokesperson, from an undisclosed location, said the Secretary was taking these allegations seriously. "After all, we remember what McCain looked like after South Carolina."

REPUBLICANS: KERRY WORSE THAN KKK!
By Tweed

Taking a play from. . . well. . . their own play-book, Colorado Republicans in A Can of Beer's senatorial bid took advantage of a printing mistake in the Gray Lady (New York Times) to condemn U.S. Senator and war hero John Kerry as being worse than the Ku Klux Klan. Story Here.

Democrats condemn the comparison, noting that instead of talking about issues, Republicans resort to the lowest form of politiking.

We at LB in 04 say: let's not be too hasty, Democrats. A Can of Beer, like the RNC, has every right to engage in rough politiking. His campaign team has a right to make statements that are ridiculous - like A Can of Beer stands for family values. Indeed, it is only in the marketplace of ideas that truth, yes the truth, can be set free. So let's not be too hasty, let's join the debate, let's make comparisons about candidates, such as A Can of Beer.

And by the way, Pete, if you think a comparison to a sitting United States Senator is worse than a comparison to the KKK, then you must think this is worse than this.

A READER RESPONDS
By Editorial Board

We recently received a comment from Steve, over at I Like To Write, a blog we recommend to our readers. Steve appreciated our "run whacko Republican" strategy but worries that it may result in strengthing the legislative wing of the Christian Conservative Movement (aka Republican Party). We appreciate his fears, and responded to his comment. But we wanted to clarify.

Our theory presumes a rationale voting public, a dangerous presumption on any given day. For those new to the conversation, our theory runs as follows, by nominating far-right Republicans, the moderate or liberal Democrat will win the general election or, at the very least, make the Republican Party appear more and more extremist.

Steve's concern is, what happens if the extremists carry the day for Bush & Co. As we noted to Steve, that is a risk, the downside of which should send many of the Hollywood intelligensia scurrying to Europe, following up on their pledges (get ready for them) that if Bush wins, they're leaving the country.

We think Steve's concern about Give it to Me Toomey would be far greater if the state in question were more of the nutsy type, e.g. Alabama. But Pennsylvania is a mid-Atlatntic, rust-belt state; filled with a great diversity. Further, the influence exerted by the last vestiges of the moderate-wing of Republican Party is about as strong as that exhibited by Rabbi Feinmann in 1937 Nuremberg. By killing it, we hope such people like Snow, Chaffee and Collins come home to the Democratic Party, where they truly belong and are wanted.

We seek an ideological showdown in the near future. A straight up and down vote between moderate/liberalism and the looney right-wing. If it goes against us, so be it. But let us face such a showdown with pride and our heads held high. If America is comfortable with the ideology of Ashcroft, Delay and their ilk, well, that's where extended work Visas come in handy. I hear Europe could use a few bloggers.

OUR SUPPORT FOR THE WEASEL
By Co-Editor Stockton

We here at Lickin' Bush in '04 have been deluged by an e-mail perplexed at our endorsement of Congressman Herr Toomey. If you haven't noticed, Lickin Bush in '04 tends to the left of center on the ideological spectrum (although we take every precaution to maintain some balance and fairness).

Our support for Toomey is real. The following is our rationale.

The Democratic Party is the last remaining national political party. In 2000, Democratic Nominee Albert Gore carried states as diverse as Maine, New Mexico, Iowa, New York and Oregon. Additionally, a majority of voters in NH and Florida rejected George W. Bush, who carried those states because of 'He Who Must Not Be Named'. Non-Bush sentiment could be found in every region in the nation with the exception of some square states in the Rocky Mountain region where no one actually lives. Our conclusion is that but for Quixotic third-party whackos, the Republican Party is a Southern/Mid-western Party and nothing more than the legislative wing of the Southern Christian Conservative movement.

We here at LB in '04 believe that the defeat of moderate to liberal Republicans will help the nation realize this actuality and result in the rejection of the Republican's tired, preachy, tyrannical policies.

The defeat of the last remaining liberal Republicans will aid us in this effort. There are not many left in captivity and Federal Law now prohibits their breeding. Specter(PA), Collins and Snow (ME), Chaffee (RI) may be the last of the Grand Rockefeller Wing of the GOP. We urge that they perform a 'Jeffords' or, unfortunately, face primary fights from the Republican Party. When these Senators are defeated (either by their ideological brethren or by Republicans) the nation and press may finally realize the Islamist - like danger posed by the GOP.

Once upon a time, the GOP had a rich tradition of diversity. It was the party that freed the slaves and the party that ultimately got a host of Civil Rights Legislation enacted. In the recent past, the GOP could once point to great public servants like Mark Hatfield, Everett Dirksen, Hugh Scott, Howard Baker, Henry Cabot Lodge and Nelson Rockefeller. Now they can point, with shame, to Tom Delay, Dick Armey, Weasel Toomey, Rick "stop fucking animals" Santorum and Bendover Bill Frist. A grand party that has fallen a long way.

It is time that elected officials support the party that best reflects their ideology. Zell Miller should have left the Democratic Party years ago. He has, in all but party registration. We would gladly give-up Zell for people like Snow, Collins and Chaffee.

Ironically, we do not put President Bush into the radical-right category. Nay, we presume, based on the divergence of his walk and talk, that he is nothing more than a political pragmatist. President Bush' policies might cross the line into the reactionary but we believe this is because he is easily swayed by stronger personalities.

So, vote Toomey, defeat the last few moderate Republicans and show the nation that the Republican Party is in reality monolithic, reactionary and fascist at its new and shrinking heart.

GOD DENIES SPEAKING WITH BUSH
Exclusive from I.L. Newcombe

In a damaging statement released in an exclusive Lickin' Bush interview, God, creator of the universe, denied ever speaking with George W. Bush, about anything.

"To be honest," said the Supreme Diety, "I wouldn't know the guy if I struck him dead with lightening."

God's statement is particularly damaging to Bush's credibility because polls show that more people trust God than any politician, including President Bush.

"Listen," said one Republican spokesperson eager to downplay God's statement, "if it's a pissing match on honesty between God and George Bush, I don't think God's winning that one."

Asked if he didn't know that George Bush was President of the United States, God laughed. "I've taken two vacations in the last 17,000 years. The first was when Ruth was sent to the Yankees. The last was in November of 2000. Gabriel told me about Bush and I didn't think he'd have a prayer at winning. Since then, I've been hanging in Europe more often."

To clarify, God said this, "I do not know Mr. Bush, I have never met him or spoken with him. If he says differently, he is mistaken or lying."

Political Pundints are mixed about how this will affect President Bush. "He did tell us he was following God's commands when he invaded Iraq and pledged to transform the Mideast," said one clown. "That appears to be a lie."

"Bill Clinton got a blow job," replied a conservative pundit.

God expressed doubts about the final outcome in the Middle East. "Democracy and Stability? Jesus, I doubt it. I've been in this business a long time and those fuckers in the Middle East are fucking crazy. Fire, brimstone, floods, plagues, locust....I sent friggin locust one time....and nothing."

LICKIN BUSH IN 04 ENDORSEMENT HAS GOP RUNNING SCARED!!
By Tweed

The power of a Lickin Bush endorsement has be reaffirmed in the Toomey - Specter republican primary race in Pennsylvania. After being endorsed by Lickin Bush, Toomey shot-up in the polls (see April 21, 2004 story below). Now, Specter's supporters in the Senate are circling their wagons to fend off the power of Lickin Bush backed candidate Toomey!

Supporters of Specter have noted the many attributes he brings to the table. "Ya mon, Specter has the good ganja, mon," noted Virginia Senator George Allen.

Lickin Bush editors have now released the "hold" they had put on Arlen Spector on the Moderate Republican Death Watch.

CLINTON LEGACY STRONG IN GERMANY
By Tweed

Somewhat concerned about his legacy at home, President Bill Clinton still exerts an enormous amount of influence in Europe, particularly Germany. Ironically, it is the German military that most appreciates Clinton's legacy.

"He's number ein," said Herr Oberstgruppenkommandergeistinweiner Muller, after learning of the latest homage to Clinton.

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! RIGHT?
Editorial

Is the Pussy Brigade actually trying to make hay out of Kerry's war record? These douchebags have no shame. The Dauphin jumps over five hundred people for the privilege of defending Texas against the Viet Cong and they're going to question Kerry's combat injuries? Bush's only statement on the Vietnam War was that he "supported his government." Yeah, right. Funny way to show it. I'll support my government by joining the Texas Air National Guard?

"We're upset by Kerry's war record," said one Pussy Brigade member. "We just feel he didn't kill enough gooks."

Another brigade member noted, "Kerry only got a few scrapes in Vietnam. When Bush was in the Air National Guard he almost died by chocking on regurgitated Jello-Shots."

Of course, in all fairness, Kerry lost the Vietnam War while not one Viet Cong stepped foot in Texas or Alabama or wherever Bush was during the time he supported our government.

LICKIN BUSH ENDORSED CANDIDATE GAINS GROUND
By Tweed

The power of a Lickin Bush endorsement has become apparent in the Toomey-Specter senate race. Just one day after being endorsed by Lickin Bush, conservative Congressman and spineless twit Toomey, has gained on Senator Specter in the latest polls.

We can soon look forward to the defeat of a moderate, responsible Republican.

Look for our upcoming Moderate Republican Death Watch.

FINDING SOMEONE ELSE TO HATE
An Editorial
By Pillsbury

File this one under "as if it could'nt get any worse." With our troops under constant attack in Iraq from a union of Islamic extremists of the bin Laden, Sunni and Shiia stripe and Saddam Hussein loyalists (only we could create such unity), with Afganistan returning to its previous roll as opium central, and the Bush administration beginning to resemble a bad Maude episode (hold on, was there ever a bad Maude episode?), now we find out that the people who hate us the most - Arabs - hate us even more.

This gives me pause to reflect: should we reciprocate and hate the French even more? Should this hatred continue down the line? Should we hate the French that much - I mean, after all, they've given us all those great movies, like. . . Le Femme Nikita and . . . you know, . . . that other one. And what about their culinary skills - who else would have thought to stir fry slimy garden pests. And it was their leadership in Indochina that got us to defend the burgeoning democratic state of Vietnam.

I say we stop hating the French and start hating the Spanish.

I'm not alone on this - the President is with me in hating the Spaniards. Granted, their food is good and your average Spaniard is probably just the same today as he was back when the Spanish PM was one of our principal allies in Iraq. But, Bush has taught us that it is not the character of the people of a country that make them natural allies, its the President's determination of whether the leader of that country has a good soul.

The current PM in Spain has always been against the war and said that he would pull the Spanish troops out if elected and he was elected under a fair democratic process. Somehow I don't think Bush needs to look this guy in the eye to determine that he has a bad soul, unlike Stalin. . . I mean Putin.

So let's all start eating frogs legs and turning against all things Spanish. (And let me know if you know a good way to distinguish between Spanish thingamabobs and Mexican thingamajigs.)

ADMINISTRATION SLAMMED ON POST-WAR PLANNING
By Stockton

The foreign policy and defense experts at the White House must be fit to be tied. Three members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee have harshly criticized the Bush Administration for post-war planning.

Senator Biden, the highest-ranking Democrat on the committee, said, "I think it is outrageous that the administration has not provided every witness we've asked for."

"The fact that they are not prepared to send a witness means that they are either totally incompetent and they don't have anything to tell us ... or they're refusing to allow us to fulfill our constitutional responsibility" of congressional oversight, Biden said.

The extraordinary hubris of the current junta has riled not only Communists like Senator Biden who actively work for the destruction of the United States, but Senators Hagel and Lugar, apparently the last two adult-Republican Senators left in captivity.

Senator Hagel said that "deteriorating security in Iraq may force the United States to reintroduce the military draft." Yes, that's right Bush ass lickers, D-E-T-E-R-I-O-R-A-T-I-N-G condition in Iraq.

Richard Lugar, another responsible adult, had harsher words, slamming the White House for "inadequate planning and communication related to Iraq."

COMMISSION RULES IN FAVOR OF HARD WORKING BOSS
By Stockton

Showing that hard work is rewarded, the Commission recently ruled in favor of frequently over-looked boss, Tom "the Exterminator" DeLay, yesterday.

Chief of the CommissionWilly "Flat-Nose" Rehnquist", noted that DeLay had "shown real promise" while running his charitable organization scam. "We like to see that gung ho attitude - findin' profit where no-one looks. And he did it without steppin' on anyone's toes." Other Commission members were less interested in speaking with the press, although Antonin "the Hammer" Scalia grunted his approval when asked whether this meant that DeLay was on the fast track to promotion.

When reached for comment, DeLay said that he was "overjoyed - fuggedaboudit!"

Rival boss Denny "Day" Hastert put on a good face, but it was obvious he was disappointed: "You'd think dat little prick would consult wit me! F*** em'! If he tinks Texas will run things now, he's got another thing coming."

Meanwhile, Bill "the Cat Man" Frist appeared to be trying to play peace-maker between Day Hastert and DeLay. "This is a good day for you," he was overheard commenting to DeLay, "now don't f*** it up by stickin' it to Day."

LICKIN BUSH MAKES FIRST ENDORSEMENT
By Editorial Board

The Editorial Board of Lickin Bush announces its first endorsement of the 2004 political season. We here at Lickin Bush proudly endorse Representative Toomey in his primary race against Arlen Specter for the Republican nomination for Senate in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

We feel that Representative Toomey is an ideal Republican candidate for Senate. Representative Toomey supports the Anti-A**F***ing Amendment and, more importantly, the criminalization of abortions. He is the ideal Republican.

Demonstrating exactly the type of analytic ability we've come to expect from Republicans, Congressman Toomey defended his position on abortion last week on Hardball with Chris Mathews. Asked what penalty a woman should receive for having an abortion, Congressman Toomey responded with a lack clarity and cowardice that would be the envy of any Republican or Nuremberg defendant. Toomey's lack of courage is reinforced by the fact that his "Toomey Blog" does not permit readers to respond or comment on any of the posts.

And don't be fooled into believing that Congressman Toomey's middle name is consistency. That hobgobblin has no place with Toomey, who points out that the Constitution is silent on the issue of abortion and fails to realize that marriage is not mentioned in the Constitution either. (We are fairly certain Mr. Toomey's copy of the Constitution came from the library at Bob Jones University.)

Finally, a Toomey - Santorum tandem is surely needed in the Senate if we are to stop homosexuals from abusing pets and sundry livestock. We are sure that these little guys are thankful for men like Toomey and Santorum. Pennsylvanians, just imagine these two doofeses as your Senators!

BUSH TURNS FEDERAL GOVERNMENT INTO RNC RUMOR MILL
By Stockton

Continuing a long Bush tradition, the current administration has decided to turn the entire Federal government into one vast propoganda machine under the sway of CREAP (Committee to Re-Appoint the President).

White house spokesman, Scott McClellen, announced the move during a press conference, calling the move a "part of the restructuring of the Federal government to deal with the terrorist threat. No longer will the President have to stand by, not able to respond to his opponents' criticisms, constrained to use the resources of the Federal government only for government business. Now the President will be on equal footing with his opponents."

When asked by Fox News Reporter Brit Hume to elaborate, McLellen replied, "just say what I tell you, bitch."

AMBASSADOR TO IRAQ NAMED
By Tweed

The Dauphin has nominated U.N. Ambassador John Negroponte to become the United States Ambassador to Iraq. Mr. Negroponte's nomination, said one White House spokeman, "Is perfectly in keeping with the President's Iraqi strategy."

Mr. Negroponte, who does not speak Arabic and has never been to the Middle East, led the charge at the United Nations when the United States lied about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. "We think he's a perfect fit for the administration," said a State Department offical. "Plus, President Bush enjoys saying 'Negroponte means black ponte', at all our luncheons."

CONDI LOVES BUSH
By Stockton

In a Freudian slip of gigantic magnitude, National Security Advisor Condi Rice revealed just how close she is to President Bush.

Political analysts say that such a slip explains the National Security Advisor's unswerving loyalty to the President despite any actual, rational basis for that loyalty. Apparently, Dr. Rice believes she is married to President Bush.

Said one psycho-analyst, "The fact that not only does she feel this way, but to actually admit it, is deeply troubling. When Cupid unleashes his arrows, the National Security Advisor should really duck."

Historians point out that the same thing happened in Bush the Elders administration when then Secretary of Defense Cheney attempted to seduce President Bush by sending him copies of angiograms and cholesterol counts. Only a series of intervening myocardial infarctions prevented a major scandal.

"It's rather uncomfortable," confided Secretary of State Colin Powell. "We're trying to plan a war and Condi is drawing little hearts and 'I love W' on her briefing books. Then, she makes me promises to ask the President what he would think if someone on his foreign policy team liked him. It's fucking ridiculous, word."

BUSH SUPPORTERS TELL DAD OF MURDERED BOY TO "GET A LIFE"
By Tweed

Demonstrating the "compassion" of compassionate conservatism, Bush supporters heckled the father of a boy murder at Columbine high school, telling him to "get a life" and to "vote for Bush," reports the AP.

"This is the sort of positive, life affirming message the President wants to bring to the rest of America," White House spokesman, Scott McLellan said of the event. "Forcing the father to move on with his life, and to vote for the President who will give him a tax cut that. . . well. . . someone else's son will have to pay for is what this grieving father needs."

NRA spokesman, Yosemite Sam, suggested that the father's grief be redirected: "The fact is guns have never killed anyone. But I know this, if more people had guns, we'd be better off."

LickinBushin04 political commentator Pillsbury notes that support for President Bush by nutty gun lovers is not surprising, because the President belongs to that odd clan. "Governor Bush's record in Texas was outstanding on gun issues. And since then, his support for gun proliferation has been magnificent."

FIRST VOLUME SELECTED FOR BUSH LIBRARY
By Stockton

The George W. Bush Presidential Library Committee has selected the first volume to be included in the George W. Bush Presidential Library Collection.

"We're berry berry exited," intoned library spokesperson Mullah Omar Akattar from his headquarters in Riyadh.

The library will be located somewhere in Texas and groundbreaking is scheduled for April 1, 2008. The library will house all the books President Bush wants to read but doesn't have room for at his Crawford Ranch. To make the library easy to find, architects plan to create a large plastic sign in the shape of a 'W' that will sit atop the library.

PRESIDENT BELIEVES IRAQI WMD'S MAY HAVE BEEN FOUND
By Tweed

Hoping for vindication of his Iraq Policy, President Bush has received word from intelligence agencies that Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction may have been found.

GOVERNOR SHUNS POLITICAL ALLY FOR DRINK
By Stockton

In a move viewed by many as a sea-change in Colorado politics, Colorado Governor Bill Owens withdrew his endorsement of Congressman Bob Schaffer as a candidate for the United States Senate stating "Allsh I . . . gosh tuh shay. . . is. . . she here tuday?. . Huh. . . wus shahampfe. . . . ."

Aides to the Governor noted to reporters that Governor Owens had not changed his opinion of Congressman Schaffer. Rather, "He simply wanted to spend more time with beer."

Rumor coursed through the Rocky Mountains that rival republican candidate for the Senate seat, A Can of Beer, had secretly allowed Governor Owens to imbibe of itself. The Governor's aides tried to dispell any such rumors noting that the Governor's liquor cabinet is well stocked and includes a keg, which is refilled every week. Governor Owens will enter Boulder General Hospital next Monday for a radical repair of his rapidly deteriorating spine.

In related news, Can of Beer began its advertising campaign on a Family Values note, promising all 21 year-old males that if elected, Can of Beer would provide each with two well endowed women who know little more than their names.

PRESIDENT BELIEVES WMD'S MAY BE ON TURKEY FARM
By Stockton

During Tuesday's public sighting of the president, Mr. Bush claimed to have uncovered 50 tons of mustard gas on a Libyan turkey farm. This proved to be a lie, the President inflating the figures approximately 100%. Only 23 tons of the nerve agent was uncovered.

Yet, of more signifigance, President Bush stated he believed Iraqi WMD's might be found on a turkey farm. "They could still be there," Bush said Tuesday of the Iraq weapons.

"They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," claimed the President.

Due to the President particular speaking style, it was not clear whether the President believes WMD's are on a turkey farm in Libya, on that particular turkey farm in Libya, on a mustard farm in Turkey or whether he returned a turkey sandwich because mustard was found inside the sandwich.

**NEWS FLASH**
ADMINISTRATION STEALS LICKINBUSHIN04 COMPUTER FILES!!!
By Stockton

LickinBushin04 editors were shocked to discover that private, confidential and top-secret LickinBushin04 computer files somehow mysteriously appeared on the official White House website and just as mysteriously, disappeared. Story.

In a statement released to its staff, LickinBushin04 editors Stockton and Tweed expressed their disappointment with the Bush administration: "We don't blame the President - we know he's busy with other projects. We blame Dick Cheney, because he's meaner than hungry rattle snake."

LickinBushin04 editors also promised not to press charges if the files were returned.

BUSH BUDGET DEFICIT MAY DESTROY WORLD, SCIENTISTS SAY
By Tweed

Scientist have voiced concern for the first time that the record deficits some have projected based on President Bush's budget proposals could result in the destruction of the earth.

Scientist claim that the huge deficits could be so heavy, that the gravitational pull of the deficits alone could alter the moon's orbit around the earth; cause massive tidal waves; or crack the earth's core, any of which would destroy nearly all life as we know it. "We realize that public scepticism initially may run high," said Professor Jonas Blchvechkovich of Silas Deane University in Andover Wisconsin and head of Project DefiGrav sponsored by MIT, "but the science is there; this is a serious concern." Not all of the scientific world agrees with the dire predictions of DefiGrav. Professor Arch Stanton, of Bob Jones University disputes the findings of DefiGrav claiming that, "just like with global warming, this is all junk-science. I mean, by God, they start with the supposition that the earth is not the center of the universe!"

The Bush administration was quick to blame the Clinton administration for the possible consequences of the excessive gravitational pull of the deficits, but at the same time claimed that such consequences are unlikely. "These so called scientists just don't understand that the American people know better what to do with their money than the government," said White House Spokesman Scott McLellan. McLellan demured when asked about the possible connection between the predictions of the DefiGrav group and the black hole that now exists where the Pentagon once stood.

YES, WE KNOW WE'RE A 50-50 NATION
An Editorial

Once again we are reminded of just how divided we are as a nation. This phenomenon has been dubbed by imaginative academics as the "50-50" nation.

Analyzing this division has become a favorite past time amongst the talking heads. We here at LickinBush think the answer is clear and unambuiguous. We are a 50-50 nation (Bush-Kerry, the Red states-Blue states, Gore-Bush, whatever you want to call it) because by definition half of our citizens are of below average intelligence! Duh! Was it really that hard to figure out?

Further, it's not that difficult to determine which half. Lets take a looksie at some of the recent numbers to come down from the Census Bureau. Indeed, let us look at three Red/Bush states (and arguably the most conservative) and three Blue/Gore states (and arguably the most liberal).

The infant mortality rate (dead babies for those below the Manson-Nixon Line);

Mississippi, Alabama and South Carolina rank 2-4-5 respectively;

Massachusetts, Minnesota and Vermont rank 48-47-44 respectively.

How about Doctors per 100,000 people; well, AL,MS, and SC rank 39-48-31 respectively;

MA, MN, VT rank.......1-10--5 respectively.

Bachelor's Degrees:

AL,MS,SC.....ranking.....38-45-32

MA,MN,VT........4-8-7

Number of people below the poverty line;

AL,MS,SC.....5-1-13

MA,MN,VT.....41-48-38

I mean, come on, seriously. If you want your child to: live, obtain healthcare, get an education and live above the poverty line, well live in a "GORE" state. If you want to raise sickly, poor and ignit little Johnny, then a "BUSH" state is your best bet.

Thus our analysis of the 50-50 nation.

GOOD PEOPLE BEGET GOOD DVD PLAYERS
By Consumer Affairs Desk

Wal-Mart, still smarting from rejection at the hands of Californians, now markets a wholesome, god-fearing, family friendly DVD. "This is a gosh-darn good development," noted a Wal-Mart spokesperson. "A family can now rent DVD's without worrying about explicit content they may have overlooked."

According to Wal-Mart, the DVD will simply skip over any scenes depicting violence, explicit language, nudity, threats of violence, threats of nudity, references to more than one god, alcohol or drug use, racial and ethnic slurs, witchcraft, vegetarianism, environmentalism or any scene that otherwise promotes bad feelings or makes people tingle where their swimsuit covers. Reviews have been mixed:

"I love it," said Cindy Calhoun, mother of five. "It's just a relief not to have to worry about watching a DVD with the kids and seeing depictions of nudity and polytheism. Plus, last night we watched 8 movies and I had the little bastards in bed by 9:00pm. It's fucking awesome!"

"I'm having a tough time with it," noted Sid Morse, accountant. "I tried to watch Bend Over Babes #3 last night, but it was all disjointed. I thought maybe it was because I didn't see Bend Over Babes #1 and #2. But I rented those and it was the same thing. No continuity. I couldn't follow the story."

***NEWS FLASH***
A LOYAL READER CHASTISES LICKINBUSH;
LICKINBUSH EDITORS APOLOGIZE
By Stockton and Tweed

We here at LickinBushin04 take seriously the comments of our readers. Recently, LickinBushin04 reader "Harry" took us to task for our lack of respect for President Bush. "Harry" wrote:

"I should think that a little more respect would be in order. Yes you may have your differences with the President but he is still the President. You should be thankful that you have the freedom to speak against him. In some other countries such as Iraq people didn't have that freedom. You should treat the leader of this nation with the respect that he deserves no matter how much you disagree with his policy he is not a baby he is a man. I would venture to say a bigger man than the poster of this article. He is not just the President he is OUR President. We the people of this nation chose HIM. For you to disrespect him is to disrespect the thousands of people who voted for him. We should stand by our President and treat him with respect. There is a reason that he is the President of this country and we are not.
harry | 04.12.04 - 2:46 pm |"

As a political satire "blog," we realize we may inadvertently step over the line of decorum. We certainly intend no offense to anyone. We believe that Harry raises a good point in this charged partisan atmosphere. We should all put aside our differences and show respect for the office of the presidency and for the president himself. Despite our differences, we acknowledge that Mr. Bush is a good and decent man, upholding the traditional family values shared by many.

Therefore, we offer our sincere apologies to Harry and Mr. Bush; and in the future we will do our best to accord him the respect he deserves.

BUSH PREPARING TO BLAME CLINTON FOR EVERYTHING
By Stockton

A White House insider confirmed that part of Bush's reelection strategy will be to blame Bill Clinton for everything that has gone wrong with the country since about 1970. "We tried to pin Vietnam on him," the source, who did not wish to reveal his identity, said, "but that sneaky rat wrote that damn letter in protest."

The timing of the revelation ties to the release of Clinton's memoirs, entitled "Willy Wonks Washington".

"A clear line can be drawn between Clinton, the hostage crisis in Iran, the death of Mother Theresa, the split up of the Beatles and the huge Federal deficit created in the 1980s," said Republican strategist Arch Stanton. "The dots are all there, it's just a matter of connecting them." Other Republican strategists have noted that Clinton was alive when both space shuttles blew up: "The coincidence is eerie."

When pressed to explain the relevance to Bush's campaign against war hero, and all-around good guy Senator John Kerry, who had no official role in the Clinton administration, Stanton noted that "both 'Clinton' and 'Kerry' begin with the hard 'k' sound."

LickinBush political analyst Pillsbury comments: "This strategy is fucking brilliant."

****FLIP-FLOP ALERT****

Dateline: Washington DC

Dumbya Flip-Flops on Declassification of Daily Briefing

The Dumbya administration bowed to the only kind of pressure that works on it, political, and declassified the August 6, 2001 daily briefing Dumbya received that has been the center of controversy over what Dumbya knew and when he knew it.

Lickin Bush in '04 political commentator Pillsbury reports:

"What is interesting about this flip-flop is its brazen nature. At first blush, it would appear that national security takes a back seat to politics. However, a closer look indicates that perhaps this assessment is wrong and a more damning one is available. According to the fact sheet given by the White House along with the released daily brief, the brief only "advised the President of what was publicly well-known: that bin Laden had a desire to attack inside the United States."

This raises two questions: One, if the brief only advised the President on what was publicly well-known, then why keep it secret; and two, why was the President being briefed on what was publicly well-known?"

Pillsbury also noted that the current flip-flop was nothing out of the ordinary for this administration.

Justice Department Flooded with Resumes and Internal Bickering
By Stockton

Following the Baltimore Sun's April 6, 2004 article on Ashcroft's War Against Pornography, the Justice Department has been flooded with over 16,000 resumes.

The Sun article described Lam Nguyen's 9 to 5 job of looking at internet porn sites all day. "We're excited by the response to the article," said one Justice Department spokesperson. "The Attorney General is pleased there are so many would-be "Porn Warriors" out there."

Things are not as rosy as they may seem in the Department's Obscenity Division, however. One Deputy Attorney General, on the condition of anonymity, said the following: "If we are to be victorious, we need the full backing of the government and the people. Right now, our thrust into the world of porn has been hampered by flaccid budgets and outdated, castrated tools."

The anonymous Ashcroft Deputy referred to his all but ignored Memorandum to the President, requesting faster internet service, more tissue paper and hand lotion as well as private offices with locks. "Without such equipment," he said, "America will not win this war."

911 Commission Outlines Rules for Bush Testimony
By Stockton

In an exclusive, Lickinbushin'04 has received an early draft of commission rules for the Bush/Cheney duet it expects to hear in the near future. As expected, the 911 Commission memo is very deferential to the president and vice-president, but not without limits.

1. Bush and Cheney may testify together but cannot hold hands;

2. President Bush will be allowed the use of a "sippy-cup" in case he gets thirsty;

3. A twenty minute "quiet time" will be available at the President's discretion;

4. The President may bring a snack, such as Animal Crackers or Bob The Builder crackers. However, he may not crunch loudly, make noise or fidget when Mr. Cheney is trying to speak;

5. The President will be allowed one "blankee";

6. If the President becomes a "cranky-pants" a time-out will be called;

7. Cheney may not finish Bush's sentences or interpret Bush's statements for the commission;

8. The President must be "clean and sober" for his testimony;

9. The President may not hum or whistle during Cheney's testimony;

10. If the President is a good boy, the Commission will buy him McDonald's for lunch.

After hours of back-and-forth negotiations, the Administration agreed to the commission's terms, amending only one. The President would rather have Burger King.

MONTHLY ANNUAL PATRIOTISM AWARD NOMINEE
By Stockton and Tweed

This month's nominee for the annual patriotism award is Congressman Ney.

Congressman Ney's nomination stems from his corageous fight against unpatriotic side-dishes.

On the verge of war, with young American men and women days away from bloody combat, chemical and biological attacks, in some of the hottest temperatures on earth, Republican Congressman Ney unflinchingly mounted the battlements of liberty.

Demonstrating both courage and lunacy, Congressman Ney took the step we freedom loving Americans have been thirsting for since Bastille Day. Stepping to the hushed House floor Congressman Ney, with Churchillian eloquence and nuanced irrelevancy, decried the current name of our favorite side dish. Denying in no uncertain that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Congressman Ney rejected all calls to sanity and christined "French Fries" with the new, betterer name of "Freedom Fries."

Congressman Ney stood hand in hand with our troops, fighting not the terrorists and purveyors of WMDs, but Frankish treason. Congressman Ney's actions were the type needed during one of our nation's stupidist and self created crisises.

See the press release here.

For the foregoing reasons, the editors of Lickin Bush nominate Congressman Ney for this year's annual Patriotism Award.

SCALIA EXEMPTS SELF FROM FIRST AMENDMENT
By Stockton

Justice Antonin Scalia, reputed hunter and strict constructionist, has exempted himself from the first amendment of the Constitution. Defending his off-the-bench ruling, Scalia, a/k/a the "King-Maker", stated, during a conversation with reporters at the Bada Bing night club in suburban New Jersey, that "the words 'Antonin Scalia' do not appear in the Constitution, and so, ipso facto, bada boom, bada bing, I am exempt from its provisions."

When pressed, Scalia referred reporters to his cousin Joey "Two Fingers," who offerred to escort the reporters from premises or remove their genitalia with a rusty spoon.

Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed secure location, which he is not allowed to leave, publicly supported Scalia, adding that "The bosses of 3 of the 11 judicial capo regimes support Scalia, the others will shortly, and I don't wanna hear no more bout it."

Scalia's law clerk, Pauly Gotto, could not be found for comment.

NEW INTERPREPTATION OF CRUCIFIXION
By Tweed

A Pennsylvania church has offered its flock a radical departure from traditional New Testament interpretation.

"The theory that Jesus was a bunny rabbit is not a new one," said the church pastor, Ms. Bickerton. "The gospel has many hidden messages. Didn't you read the Da'Vinci Code?"

During the church's avant garde passion play, Jesus Bunny is scouraged and crucified for the sins of all bunnydom. Not all church goers were amused. "I didn't really mind crucifying the rabbit," said one congregation member. "I hate those little fuckers. But when Santa came out in garters and high heels, I thought that was over the top."

The radical interpretation of the Gospels theorizes that Jesus Bunny was executed for purloining all of Pontius Pilate's Cadbury Eggs and leaving bunny droppings all over Jerusalem. Under the new theory, Pilate is actually Burgermeister Meisterburger.

The Toothfairy and the Winter Warlock could not be reached for comment.

REPUBLICANS RUN CAN OF BEER FOR SENATE
by Stockton

In a move to woo conservatives, Republicans have decided to run a can of beer for the Colorado Senate. Democrats complain that the move is merely a cynical ploy, relying on name recognition and market share. But Republican strategist Arch Stanton claims the Democrats' complaints are just sour hops. "They're just pissed because their bottle of Zima couldn't carry the 5th Congressional district in Indiana. We're making a strong move to attract Nascar dads."

Initial Republican advertisements for the candidate will emphasize voting responsibly during the holiday season as well as appointing someone the "designated voter" before driving to the polls.

If Coors is victorious, voters will be charged a 5 cent deposit everytime he is returned to office.

LickinBush political commentator Pilsbury, drunk and downloading Comcast/Republican pornography, could not to be reached for comment.

WAL-MART STUNNED BY REJECTION
by Tweed

Major conglomacorp, Wal-Mart, was stunned yesterday when California residents rejected a proposed Wal-Mart Super-Duper-Really-Big Store.

California residents have gone on with their lives, but the retail giant is troubled. "I don't know what happened," said one Wal-Mart executive. "We thought things were going really well. We'd met a few times and seemed to get along. Now this!"

Another Wal-Mart executive said, "I should have known something was up. They were acting funny. Like they wanted us to break-up with them."

BUSH RE-ELECTION FUNDED BY PORNOGRAPHERS
By Stockton

The Bush campaign is being financed by....yes....pornographers. In a shocking and unprecedented display of hypocrisy, Comcast President Stephen Burke has been awarded "Rump Ranger" status by the Bush Campaign. Mr. Burke has pledged to raise $200,000 (some of it legally) for President George "Long Dong" Bush. Talk about a money shot.

As many know, Comcast owns the Hot Network, which offers pornograhy for the reasonable price of $11.99 a flick. We here at Lickinbush are preparing a Freedom of Information Request for any and all White House Cable bills.

Why do the Republicans support this type of filth? I mean, as a Democrat, I can support it, but really, is Comcast on Ashcroft's invesitgation list? Will White House aids now have to wear leisure suits and sport afros and mustaches?

NADER NOT ON OREGON BALLOT-CANNABIS USE IN OREGON DOWN
By Stockton

In a pleasant surprise, "He Who Shall Not Be Named" failed to get the requisite number of signatures for the Oregon ballot. HWSNBN received approximately 700 signatures, far less than the 1,000 signatures required. Unfortunately, he has another shot at the ballot if he can find 15,000 politicially challenged progressive in Oregon to sign his petitions.

This must be part of the "second front" against George Bush. For Nader supporters, the message should be clear: "Hey! Douchebags! Don't fuck this one up!"

Oregon is critical in Kerry's electoral strategy. All of the Gore States are critical. Why this asshole wants 2-3% of people to decide this election is beyond me. But, then again, I ceased consumption of hallucinagenic drugs years ago, so I may not be seeing his stratgey in the proper light.

In a related story, 300 Oregonians cease using cheeba and peyote.

BUSH TO PROTECT UNDEFINED PROTOPLASM
By Stockton

President Bush is set to sign the Unborn Victims of Violence Act, a measure that will make it a federal crime to assualt what the President calls "future people" during the commission of a federal crime. Pro-lifers hail the legislation as a first step in providing the unborn equal rights. Social Conservatives hope the UVVA will lead to granting undefined protoplasm a whole host of rights, including the right to assemble to redress grievenaces, collective bargaining, driver's licenses and the right to bare itsy-bitsy firearms.