LICKIN BUSH IN'04 "WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAMS"

HEN SEX AND SUICIDE
By Tweed

This sounds like a job for Santorum and Ashcroft.

The hen could not be reached for comment.

E-MAILS FROM OUR READERS
By the Editors

The editors of LB in '04 receive periodic correspondence from loyal readers. We'd like to share one particular e-mail we recently received. It is particularly inspiring.

You've heard about these pills on TV, in the news,and online and
have probably asked yourself, "Do they really work?" The answer is
YES! IGF2 is a powerful erection enhancing product that will
create erections so strong and full that over time your penis will
actually grow as a direct result! If you would like a more
satisfying sex life then IGF2 is for you!

THE BENEFITS OF IGF2
1. Gain Up To three* Full Inches In Length!
2. Increase Your Peeeniiis Width (Girth) By 20%!
3. Stop Premature Ejaculation!
4. Produce Stronger, Rock Hard Erections!
5. 100% Safe To Take, With NO Side Effects!
6. Fast Priority Shipping WorldWide!
7. Doctor Approved And Recommended!
8. No Pumps! No Surgery!

This E-Mail raises a number of interesting questions. First, how did the reader know that the editors are in desperate need of such a pharmaceutical? We are, but how did you find out?

Secondly, do they have to tell us we'd gain three full inches in length. I just assumed it wouldn't be three inches in width.

Thirdly, I don't know what a peeeniiis is and if I have one I'm not sure I want it three inches longer and 20% wider.

Fourth, if it is 100% safe, doesn't that mean NO side effects?

Finally, we realize that the peeeniiis will be much bigger, but delivery worldwide? Isn't that a bit exaggerated? I'd be happy if I could deliver it to the next room.

Now, if we are talking about what I think we're talking about, I have some questions.

If the erection is "RockHard", can it sustain damage, such as chipping or cracking?

Will the peeeniiis continue to "actually grow" ad infinitum, or will growth eventually stop. I would hate to have to buy new pants every few weeks.

Finally, No. 8 suggests there will be no "Pumps". If there are to be no Pumps, why am I taking the drug. I thought it was to enhance my pumping.

We always enjoy fan mail. Have a great weekend

CLOWNS IN THE NEWS
By Stockton

It's time again for Clown News. Normally, this would be about the Bush Administration. But not today.

What did they expect? Why not just hire a clown called "Stiffy"?

Associated Press
Last updated Wednesday, May 26, 2004
'Spanky' the clown arrested on child porn
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. -- A clown who goes by the name of "Spanky" has been arrested on child pornography charges while traveling with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus, federal agents said.

The full story is here.

Then there's this controversy.

by CARRIE ANTLFINGER, Associated Press
Last updated Thursday, May 27, 2004
Colvig to join Clown Hall of Fame as Bozo
MILWAUKEE -- There are no hand buzzers, trick flowers or balloon animals in this clown story. The issue is who created Bozo the Clown -- and the dispute is wiping the smile off some clowns' faces.

The full story is here.

HELP WANTED

In light of recent events (See GOP Staffer is a Slut 5/20/04 Post by Tweed), we at LB in 04 have decided to acquire a . . . helper. See advertisement below for details:

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DEMOCRATS EMBRACE CLINTON; KENNEDY
By Pillsbury

The Democratic party has begun efforts to change its image, slightly, to better encourage people to join. And they are doing so by embracing the spirit of two of the party's stars - Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy.

"We are really making an effort," said party spokesman, Joseph Bedder, "to make this party the par-tay party." Bedder, now going by his pseudonym, "Hard" Rod Cafe, pointed to the party's efforts with younger, more nubile voters. "We're talking about issues of interest to people who like to drink, have sex and generally have a good time." Cafe pointed to the party's joint ventures with High Times, Samuel Adams Beer and Hustler Magazine as examples of the pary's outreach efforts.

The party's embrace of par-tay politics is linked directly to the success of the two, arguably, most famous Democrats: Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy - reknowned party animals. Voters like Jason Kifferman, who is considering changing his last name to "Shaggerman," may be the key to the party's future. "Dude, its like totally awesome! Man, like did you know that the last Democratic president had his bone smoked in the Oval Office! That's what I want in a leader."

Jessica Cutler, who was filing papers to have her name changed legally to "Bambi," noted that she appreciated the Party's efforts. "Those Republicans are so stiff. . . oh, wait, I mean they're so, you know, boring. I can't support a politician who probably wouldn't go down on me."

Cafe noted he had been fielding innumerable calls from new democrats expressing approval for the new party slogan:

"If That Van's a-Rockin', Come on in and Join the Democratic Party!"

NEW IRAQI BUSINESS THRIVES
By Tweed

There can be no better example of the growing economy of Iraq than the Tikrit based OMAR'S WEDDING SUPPLIES. This new and thriving venture features the latest in Iraqi wedding costumes and accessories. LB in '04 is pleased to welcome Omar's to our brave new world with a short advertisement.

WELCOME TO OMAR'S WEDDING SUPPLIES, FEATURING ALL THE LATEST CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES TO MAKE THAT SPECIAL DAY....EXTRA SUPER SPECIAL

Browse through our huge assortment of wedding garb, all at exceptionally low prices.

Or, how about seeing the little miss in something like this! Who could resist that hot little falafel?

And don't forget all of these extra accessories, such as this, and this, that complete the most wonderful day of your life.

OMAR'S will even arrange for a photographer, so those special memories will be captured forever.

Mastercard and Visa accepted

Good luck to Omar, from all of us at LB in '04.

DONE WITH THE BOOK LEARNIN'
By Stockton

On Monday, May 24, 2004, President Bush addressed an assembly at the US Army War College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, Bush and Administration officials may have tried reading what the War College produced in 2002, rather than just talking in 2004.

The Army War College has a thing called a website. On that website can be found a whole bunch of neat things. One of those neat things is a comprehensive monograph that outlines how to fight the war on terror and what can be expected if the war is not prosecuted correctly. Ironically, the publication reads like it was written yesterday rather than 2+ years ago.

Granted, the work is hard to find(it's only right there on the website), but we know Bush, 'Done with the book learnin'.

GOD'S WRATH
Guest Commentary by the Right Reverend Homer Smoot

Once again, the Beat Bush in '04 Boys (I will not say Lickin'Bush, indeed I will not write the words Lickin' Bush), have invited me to redeem some captured souls.

Recently, The heathen republic of Massachusetts has allowed H---------s to wed. Since that time, the Lord has visited a plague of locust upon Virginia and look what is happening in the Mid-West. Death and destruction rains down upon a multitude of sinners in such New Sodoms and Gomorrahs as Oklahoma, Nebraska and Missouri. Nebraska, in particular, has become a brazen, lustfilled, homoerotic playground of fleshy delights, cajoling and tantalizing young people into rectum massaging amusements. Young men and pre-teens prance around, shirts off, their hairless chests glistening with beads of.....

Why does the Lord target the Mid-West? Why does he allow homo-frolicking to continue in such foresaken places as Provincetown and San Fransodomy? I cannot answer those questions. There are many questions I cannot answer. So much has happened since H------------s have been allowed to wed in Massachusetts. So much that bodes ill for our Nation.

1-School age children using the term, "Homorific" to describe something they find pleasing;

2- Milions flocking to divorce attorneys because their marriage vows now mean nothing;

3- The death of Tony Randall;

4- Innocent children looking into their parents eyes and asking, "What is a Vietnamese Swing-Fuck Chair?"

5- Those same parents being able to tell them about the VSFC. Nay, even showing them a VSFC.

And is it any wonder? Apart from Massachusetts, television has been easing h-------ality down our collective throats, inch by inch, until we gag.

Whether it is a bored housewife seeking solice in the arms of another woman, or a beloved couple engaged in the "open" lifestyle, we are a captured audience.

I could go on and on and on. All this, because a few confused "boys" can't keep their hands off each other. The God-Fearing must rise-up. We must be firm, allowing our veins to be engorged with our righteous blood, until we erect a rock-hard piller of moral decency. I have asked the following public officials to aid me in my quest to restore the sanctity of marriage:

Bob Livingston, Bob Barr, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Henry Hyde, Robert Packwood, Clarence Thomas, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and James Swaggert. Together, we can restore the most holy of equations: One Man, One Woman, for life.

BUSH UNVEILS IRAQ PLAN
By Stockton

In a speech at the War College in Carlisle Pennsylvania, President Bush unveiled a radical new plan for bringing democracy to Iraq.

With conventional means failing to rebuild/subdue Iraq, President Bush has dispatched four special envoys to the beleaguered Middle Eastern nation. The four envoys have a track record of success in bringing joy and financial stability to at least one other third-world state, Florida. One of the envoys selected, known only as DD, has military experience, having served in the Navy.

The State Department was enthusiastic. "Two of the envoys have really high pitched voices. We think that they will appeal to the vast majority of Iraqis."

Security for the envoys was another factor in Bush's selection. "They are cartoon characters," said an Administration spokesperson. "So they can't really be hurt."

BUSH CAMPAIGN: VOTE FOR CHANGE
By Stockton

Opening a new, positive line for his campaign, President Bush announced over the weekend that a vote for his re-election was a vote for change. "Vote for me for newness and oldness be gone," said the President. "Y'all don't like all the cabinet guys I got and if you don't like em' then they aren't liked."

The new campaign message was aired in a series of television commercials in "battleground" states. One such advertisement showed visuals of warfare, explosions and injured children and included a voice-over intoning: "Rumsfeld has brought death and destruction all over the world: Vote Bush to put an end to the madness." Another showed alternating footage of John Kerry and Colin Powell in Vietnam with "War Mongers!" written across the screen.

Republican strategists expressed high hopes for the ads: "People will come to realize that if it weren't for nattering nabobs in the cabinet, we'd be experiencing a forty percent annual growth rate and peace and prosperity around the world. These ads demonstrate that."

FAMILY VALUES DAD BLOWS OFF DAUGHTERS GRADUATION
By Stockton

President Bush, recovering from a alcohol/drug-induced bicycle fall, will blow off his own daughters graduation.

"Look," said the President, through a gin-soaked haze, "I'm gonna win in Texash and gonna loosh in Connetut. Why the fuck should I go to my own daughters gradiations there if I can't campaign?"

Secretly, aides worry that the President can't be around all those beer balls. "Of course he's still drinking," said aide Phillip McKenzie, who wished to remain anonymous. "That fucker puts away everything from Gin to nail polish remover. If he gets around graduations, all hell could break loose."

ANOTHER TRAITOR SLAMS BUSH
By Tweed

The man synonomous with radical, left-wing politics has slammed President Bush's conduct of the war in Iraq. Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN) has recently been highly critical of Bush's pre-war courting of allies as well as the post-war occupation.

The administration shrugged off the criticism. "Senator Lugar is a well-known nut job," said one White House patient. "He is obviously doing this for political reasons. Senator Lugar left the Republican Party a long time ago. He even eats luch with McCain."

ARMY TRIES TO MAKE AMENDS
By Stockton

In an effort to lessen the tension over the Abu Ghraib Prison scandal, members of the 800th MP Brigade took the remaining Iraqi prisoners on a field trip. The destination, Mohommed's World Bagdhad.

The prisoners are said to have enjoyed their visit to the first Western style theme park to open in the Mid East.

PELOSI CHARGED
By Tweed

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has been charged with mixing literary allusions. Pelosi claims that, with regard to President Bush, the "Emperor has no clothes." That, according to literary jurists is not actionable. However, Pelosi went on to say, "Pull this curtain back", and obvious reference to Frank L. Baum's Wizard of Oz.

"What does she mean?" asked one professor of literature. "If you pull the curtain back you'll see a naked emperor? I just don't understand."

"This," said Professor Krenwinkle, "is worse than the 'He's a loose canon that will rock the boat' debacle of '75." Three graduates students were convicted and sentenced in that matter.

There was a common consensus among most of the literati that Pelosi has to pull her act together. And fast. "She's unleashed a can of worms and she might find it hard to get the leashes back on."

GOP STAFFER IS A SLUT
By Tweed

Now this is a story we can really go down on!

Ohio Senator Mike DeWine (R) has a hussy, woman-of-the-evening, working girl, whore, slut (call it what you want) on his staff - we mean his administrative staff. She's a Staff Assistant, but she calls herself a Staff Ass with pride. She'll diddle any ole' Washington sugar Daddy as long as they have good relations with bush - President Bush, that is - and cash on hand. And she's not afraid to tell you that she is hot! Click here for a great time with the Washingtonienne!

This Staff Ass put on line some personal stories about her wonderful job and sex life.

Upon reading of this, I became aroused. . . you know, at the prosepct of getting inside this Staff Ass - the mind of this Staff Ass, to determine what desires of hers were being satsified with this exploitive behavior. I figured if I could make contact, I'd explain to her the attributes of lickin bush - our website. I'd get behind her, ease my way inside and tell her to hold on, and get - I mean I'd convince her that I could be trusted and suggest to her that if she could relax a bit, and let this thing blow over; she'd end up on her hands and knees-feet!! she'd land on her feet. DC is a hard place to work and live as a young woman with a highly developed sexual appetite. I'd want her to feel that even though her weblog is gone, she could keep up the stories - heck I'd even help out!

Hey Stockton, do you think we could get her to write for us?

Is it hot in here?

PATRIOTISM AWARD
Editorial

The nominee for the May slot in LB in '04's Patriotism Award (which will be awarded at the end of the year)goes to.....House Speaker Denny Hastert, who recently enlightened Senator John McCain on the meaning of patriotism. Thank you, Speaker Hastert. After all those years as a POW, we feel Mr. McCain may have forgotten the meaning of patriotism.

Conversely, you, Speaker Hastert, are a shining beacon to us all.

We here at LB in '04 look forward to the entire Hastert Lecture Series:

1- How to lose weight;

2- How to find a quality haircut;

3- How not to be Tom Delay's sodomy puppet;

4- How to win a purple heart;

5- How to find suits that fit;

Hastert is now in a dead heat with Congressman Ney, the godfather of the Freedom Fry for the vaunted LB in '04 Patriotism Award.

HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED, MISSING
By Tweed

HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED campaign officials have announced that their candidate is missing. HWMNBN met today with serious Presidential candidate John Kerry.

"That was hours ago," said one wide-eyed idealist. "The senator left about an hour ago, but we can't find Mr. -----. It's weird."

One hour after the meeting began, witnesses saw four Kerry campaign officials carrying a long, heavy plastic bag to a campaign vehicle. The vehicle then sped away.

"It was just refuse," said one Kerry advisor. "Pain-in-the-ass, spoiler refuse. If we kept it around it would mean four more years of Bush."

A -----aide was suspicious. "I've just never seen anyone take a mallet to a garbage bag full of refuse."

-----campaign workers plan an all-night vigil to await the return of their candidate.

THOSE REPUBLICANS CAN'T STAY OUT OF TROUBLE
By Stockton

We'll let our friend Undelay handle this one.

SANTORUM UNVEILS NEW WEB SITE
By Tweed

Everyone's favorite Pennsylvania Senator has just enveiled a new, offical web site. Warning, not for the squeamish.

CONSERVATIVES SEE THE LIGHT
By Stockton

Wow. Buchanan, GF Will and Tucker Carlson are all sounding like reasonable people (which, believe it or not, they are), and not like White House Tools.

We always knew Will and Carlson were not crazies - but Buchanan, wow.

Check out the ever scrupulous Novak as well.

COULDN'T AGREE MORE . . .
By Stockton

. . . with this.

MISSING FOR DAYS, TONY RANDALL'S BODY FOUND
By Tweed

After missing for four days, Tony Randall's body was found.

The body of the former Odd Couple star was discovered in Jack Klugmann's bedroom, under a pile of dirty laundry, old newspapers and empty potato chip bags. Klugmann claimed he hadn't cleaned in awhile but had noticed an odd smell.

PENTAGON TO REDIRECT FUNDS
By Tweed

In a move designed to "more efficiently" distribute Federal dollars to the appropriate service providers, the Pentagon has decided to withhold a $160,000,000 payment to Haliburton. Instead, the money will go directly to Vice President Dick Cheney.

"Let's face it," said Pentagon spokesman, Julius Irving, "without Cheney, Haliburton doesn't get these jobs." Described variously as a "finder's fee," "consulting fee," or "payoff," the amount will be deposited directly into Mr. Cheney's bank account, along with his next paycheck for his serving as Vice President.

President Bush paid Mr. Cheney tribute in reference to the payment as well, noting that "in free places we, the free, pay for the things that are done for us and we pay them what we think we to them for the things that are done to us by them. Terrorist don't play by this rule. They cheat - paying amounts for the things they terror with."

HOFFA JUST BEING REASONABLE
By Stockton

Senator John Kerry emerged from a meeting with Teamster President James Hoffa Jr., ashen faced and visibly shaken. Hoffa is pushing Richard Gephardt as Kerry's running mate. "Hey," said the Teamster leader, "I was just making a suggestion. John can choose whoever he wants."

The Teamster President went on to say that "Hey, I like Senator Kerry. I know where he lives. I know where his kids are. Still, he's free to do whatever he wants."

A WMD FOUND
By Tweed

A bomb that may contain sarin gas, a nerve agent, was finally located when it exploded. The Bush Administration is hailing this as a victory.

"See, we told you so," said one White House spokesman. "We never said there were weapons of mass destruction. We said there may be a weapon of mass destruction."

Also found on Monday were a golden lasso that makes people tell the truth, 2 tons of kryptonite (red)and the Bat Cave. Administration officials now believe that Iraq had advanced plans for a "Romulan Cloaking Device" that would render the two planes in The Iraqi Air Force invisible.

FAMILY VALUES AWARD
Editorial

This month's Republican Family Values Award goes to.......killer Bill Janklow.

Mr. Janklow served a hard 100 days, away from the general prison population. But, his remorse is sincere.

"He was real sorry for what he done," said Jessup Covington, a South Dakota Corrections Officer. "Once, I seen he couldn't eat a second helping of waffles he was so upset."

Inmates generally liked the ex-governor and former congressman. "He was some real good congressman ass!" Exclaimed Buddy Jorgenson, a convicted rapist. "One of my favorite bitches."

Janklow has promised never to kill anyone again. "One killing does not a killer make," said a Janklow family spokesperson. "The long stint in stir has helped him see the errors of his ways."

Next weeks nominee is.....the ethically challenged John Rowland Governor of Connecticut.

THE WORLD IS ENDING
By Stockton

Ignoring earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados and other signs of Armageddon, Massachusetts performed its first Gay Marriage.

Amid hail stones the size of basketballs and torrents of falling toads, gay couples scrambled to town halls all over the Bay State (no doubt rightwing wits will re-christen MA as the Gay State, hahaha)to commit blatant acts of commitment.

"I don't like it one bit," said Taunton resident Peter Dunwich. "A little girl-on-girl action in a movie is one thing. But a loving, committed relationship? That's just disgusting."

Plymouth Pastor Lawrence Mather noted that repercussions had already started. "Because of this, the Lord has visited upon Virginia, a plague of locust." Mather was, of course, referring to the 17 year Cicada infestation currently underway in Virginia." Why the geographic discrepancy? "Because," said Mather, "God was so pissed, his aim was off."

Leslie Endicott of Springfield was distraught. "I've been married to the same lovely man for thirty-eight years. Now, I'm on my way to see a divorce attorney because my marriage doesn't mean anything anymore."

A North Adams Councilman was equally disturbed. "I've been married four times," said the councilman. "Now all those marriages are a mockery."

No resident of Provincetown, MA could be found for comment.

BUSH STRONG IN UTAH

In a devasting blow to the Kerry campaign, recent polls show George Bush winning Utah by a landslide.

The President has a commanding 40+ point lead in the state. Kerry's numbers lag in the low twenties.

"This is devastating news for John," said a Kerry spokesperson. "President Bush leads in almost every conceivable category."

Among those married to siblings, Bush leads by 98 pointes;

Among those who believe high school is post-graduate work, Bush leads by 88 points;

The only area where Kerry has a decided advantage in Utah is with those Utah residents that can locate Utah on a map. Those favor Kerry 97%-2% with 1% undecided.

HATCH MAY FACE CHALLENGE FROM THE RIGHT
By Stockton

Leftwing, crypto-communist Orrin Hatch (R-UT) may face a primary challenge from.....his right?

Yes, you heard us correctly. The rumor was reported in the Daily Fascist.

In the aftermath of Arlen Specter's near defeat in the Pennsylvania primary by challenger Rep. Pat Toomey, conservatives in Washington have begun looking at Hatch as a good target in 2006 for a primary challenge in far more conservative Utah. Like Specter, Hatch clears general elections, but has in the past thinly fended off Republican challengers.

"We are currently looking for someone more conservative than Orrin Hatch," said one RNC Spokesperson. "We're tired of his leftwing sympathies."

Names floated to outflank Hatch to his right include, Genghis Khan, Grand Moff Tarkin, Pat Toomey, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and Virgil "The Turk" Salozzo.

If that wasn't enough, Toomey sycophants have claimed the following:

With his enthusiastic endorsement of pro-choice stalwart Arlen Specter, R-Pa., pro-life champion Rick Santorum, R-Pa., has, arguably, done more for the cause of abortion rights than either Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., Tom Daschle, D-S.D., or John Kerry, D-Mass., will ever be able to achieve.

"Yes," said a NOW Spokesperson and Santorum supporter, "when the history of the Pro-Choice Movement is written, Rick Santorum will be the obvious hero. Him and Jesse Helms."

RNC Chairman Mark Racicot defended his right-wing brethren. "The GOP is a big tent party. A huuuuuge tent in fact! Like one of those really big circus tents. And those little cars pull up *** and like 20 or 30 clowns pile out. But, there is simply no room for guys like Santorum and Hatch. Those two are so outside of the mainstream that they have no place at the GOP table."


***Bush-Cheney Campaign Mobile photo courtesy of Bush-Cheney Campaign.

TAX AND SPEND PARTY AT IT AGAIN
By Tweed

For years now, the only vertabrae in the spineless GOP philosophy has been 'lower taxes'. Whether warranted or fiscally imprudent, the GOP has always sought our support by handing out a few bucks here or there.

Now, that lone vertabrae is crushed. GOP controlled states such as OH, ID and GA are not only spending like there is no tomorrow (not a bad decision in light of our current President), those nutty conservatives are raising taxes. Even in VA, with a Democratic governor, the GOP controlled legislature has upped taxes.

This philosophical reversal has conservatives worried. "What are we if we don't buy votes?" Intoned one legislator. "Now we're raising taxes to pay for what we spend. We may as well be Democrats."

Another Republican was better able to explain the decision to tax and spend. "Under Clinton, everything was just so good. We got spoiled. We simply failed to prepare for the worst once Bush got into office. I'm mean, Clinton was a terrible president and Bush is awesome, but uuhhmm, you know....uuhhmm. Clinton got a blow job."

NOTE TO READERS
Editorial Board

Please note that Lefttimes.com is gone, no more, kaput, fini, done. In its place, its creators have put up Polexicon, an even more brilliant website.

Please visit Polexicon, it's good for what ailes you.

ALSO: Stockton & Tweed would like to announce that beginning next Saturday (we hope) Stockton & Tweed will be publishing a week in review column at Polexicon.

If LB in 04 is too sickening to contend with on a daily basis, we promise our weekly column will produce only a mild sense of nausea.

NEW HOPE FOR CHENEY ON HEART FRONT
By Tweed

Good news for the ticker-challenged Dick Cheney. The Vice-President now has a new weapon in his war against cardiac arrest.

LB IN 04 EDITORS URGE DEMOCRATS TO "TAKE A PILL", CALM DOWN
By Pilsbury

LB in 04 editors Stockton & Tweed, are urging democrats everywhere to "take pill" and to calm down about the 2004 presidential election.

"We want everyone to take a pill and relax," said Tweed, noting that the recent polling show positive news for the election. "Kerry is polling quite well in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida - the keys to this election," noted Stockton. "In addition," added Tweed, "Bush's approval ratings are in nearly free-fall status. And presidential elections involving incumbents are more referendum on the incumbent than approval of the challenger."

Stockton & Tweed also noted that Democrats should relax about the polling (good or bad) because it is "fucking May," and the election is just under six months away. "Most of my relationships with women didn't last six months," noted Stockton.

BREMER AND FRIST FACE COMPETITION ON TOOL STATUS
By Tweed

L. Paul Bremer and Bill Frist, out right tools for the White House are now facing competition from an unlikely source: a Democratic Senator. Our good friend at I Like to Write has pointed out Senator Miller's latest act of pandering to our friends across the aisle. It's not so strange really, Zell Miller left the Democratic party about the same time he left his sanity.

EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT GOP CONVENTION SCHEDULE
LB in '04 Exclusive

LickinBush in '04, the official website of the Republican National Convention, has obtained a copy of the proposed schedule for the New York City Rally (August 30-Sept. 2).

Now, for the first time, we publish the proposed convention schedule for our loyal reader (thanks reader).

THE 2004 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTIONAugust 30 through As Close as We can get to September 11

New York City, New York

DAY ONE

Check-in (women, remember to bring a copy of your OB/GYN records)
Pledge of Allegiance: 9:00 a.m - 9:02 a.m.
Reading of King James Bible: 9:03 a.m. - 11:55 p.m.


DAY TWO

Tribute to First Amendment: 9:00 a.m. - 9:01 a.m.
Ridicule of Protesters: 9:02 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.
Salute to Spanish Military CANCELLED
Salute to Honduran Military CANCELLED
Salute to Nicaraguan Military CANCELLED
Beatification of Ronald Reagan: 1:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.

DAY THREE

Tribute to Second Amendment: 9:00 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.
Patch and remove wounded: 12:35 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
Film-President's Military Career: 1:05 p.m. - 1:06 p.m.
Tribute to Butterfly Ballot: 1:07 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Sadie Stein - Jews for Buchanan: 2:10 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.
Log Cabin Republicans: 11:15 p.m. - 11:17 p.m.
Remove debris from stage: 11:18 p.m. - 11:59 p.m.

DAY FOUR

President arrives by F-15 Fighter: 9:05 a.m.
Vice-President arrives by ambulance: 10:00 a.m.
Secret Service set up cardiac suite: 10:01 a.m.
Delegates receive 'Bush to English Dictionary': 11:00 a.m.
Cheney addresses Convention: 8:00 p.m.
President sobers up: 8:00 p.m. - 9::30 p.m.
Bush Acceptance Speech: 9:35 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.
Delegates March to Reichstag: 11:30 p.m.

HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED CONFIRMS EGO-MANIAC STATUS
Political Commentary by Pilsbury

He Who Shall Not Be Named has confirmed that the sole basis for his presidential campaign is his own ego-mania. He Who Shall Not Be Named, in an attempt to gain access to a variety of states' ballots (including Florida and Michigan), has accepted the Reform Party Nomination.

Let's see. . .

He Who Shall Not Be Named

Reform Party

He Who Shall Not Be Named

Reform Party

Yup; the only possible reason behind this move (beside the "my being in the race will actually help Kerry" bullshit) is ego.

Once again, we urge He Who Shall Not Be Named to stick with what he's good at, read some history and give up this lunacy.

AHOY THERE, PREPARE TO BE BOARDED
By Tweed

Today, the Justice Department announced the end of all Civil Rights abuses. "Simply put," said Attorney General John Ashcroft, "no one is violating anyone's civil rights any longer." With all the free time on their hands, the Justice Department is now going after "sailor mongering".

That's right! The Justice Department is waging war against the crime so pernicious that it was last prosecuted 114 years ago. Justice Department employees who were not transferred to the Anti-Watching People Fuck on DVD and VHS Department are being transferred to the Sailor Mongering Unit.

"The fact that Greenpeace is the defendant is coincidental," said a Justice Department spokesperson. "You might laugh at this prosecution, but if you have ever been 'mongered', you would take it seriously."

Greenpeace members are charged with 'sailor mongering' for boarding a vessel that was illegally transporting mahogany.

A defense attorney for Greenpeace sounded confident about his clients chances. "Avast and ahoy, matey, arrggghhh, mount the mast and bring 'er round, arrgghhh."

LICKIN BUSH BOWS TO COMEDIC MASTERS
Editorial

We here at LB in '04 pride ourselves on our satirical skills which fall somewhere between brilliant and infantile. However, we cannot compete with these actual posts over at the Eagle Forum.

On the Ten Commandments

Yes. They are lot more than mere suggestions. The first time some one suggested canibals not to murder. Where would the society be today if 10 commandments were not given? Society is srviving primarily because of these moral laws.
ExDemoc"RAT"
ExDarwinist
ExIdiot

"After all, Murder, theft and perjury are against the law in non-Christian countries too" Probably, they came later and they were copied from the Bible. After 10 commandments were given, the Golden cow came into existence and this marked the beginning of Hinduism.

ExDemoc"RAT"
ExDarwinist
ExIdiot

On Bill Clinton

I HATE TO DO THIS. BUT I CANNOT FIND ABETTER EXAMPLE THAN THIS. BILL CLINTON CARRIED A BIG BIBLE AND WENT TO THE CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY. HE WAS PIOUS ONLY ON SUNDAYS BECAUSE HIS MOTIVE WAS NEVER TO FOLLOW GOD, BUT USE HIS "CHRISTIAN ACTIVITIES" ONLY FOR THE CAMERA. THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS ALL ABOUT HIS CHARACTER AND ALL THE CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES.

CONTRAST HIM WITH GEORGE BUSH AND HIS FAMILY. YESTERDAY BARBARA BUSH WAS ON FOX NEWS. SHE WAS ASKED WHY THEY HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT BILL CLINTON FOR 8 YEARS. THEY NEVER SAID A WORD. WHY? HER ANSWER WAS,"WE TOOK AN OATH NOT TO SPEAK ANY WORD" . THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER. YOU FIGURE THIS OUT. THIS IS ONE EXAMPLE. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MOTHER THERESA? WHY DID WHE HAVE TO SACRIFICE ALL THE RICHES IN HIS FAMILY TO GO AND LIVE ,SERVE AND DIE WITH THOSE DESTITUTES?

WELL, THIS GREAT QUOTE APPLIES TO THE LIBERALS MORE THAN THE CONSERVATIVES. HOW? LOOK AT THE MEMO THAT SEN.ROCKEFELLER(D) SENT TO THE JUDICIAL INVESTIGATION COMMITTEE ON 911. IT IS A CRIME TO USE THE CLASSIFIED MATERIAL FOR POLITICAL GAINS. HOWEVER, HE WROTE CLEAR MANDATES FOR THE DEMOCRATS TO USE ALL THE INFORMATION TO ATTACK PRESIDENT BUSH. IF THIS IS NOT ACRIME(TREASON) WHAT IS IT? THERE ARE MUCH MORE. ANOTHE EXAMPLE: BILL CLINTON HAD THE SEMEN STAIN ON THE DRESS AS EVIDENCE. IN SPITE OF THIS, HE LIED UNDER OATH.


ExDemoc"RAT"
ExDarwinist
ExIdiot

On The Democrats

The Dems of today are either DUMMIES or they are LUNATICS. Who on earth will attack a man who is defending them against their own enemy?
Here the President is doing everything he can to stop the terrorists from attacking us. To these Dummies, our enemies are not the Muslim terrorists, but it is the President of the USA. Yes, we will pay heavily for these these lunacies if we do not stop them and move on to destroy and totally incapacitate the Muslim terrorists..

I personally think it is every bit as fitting to question Kerry's activities concerning the war, especially in line with his connection with Jane Fonda's and Tom Hayden's extreme anti-American activities, especially since Bush has been so unfairly and inaccurately lambasted for his military record. Unfortunately, this seems to be par for the course when it comes to political campaigns.


GLORY TO THE CREATOR OF US ALL!

Aren't they a fun group.

NO LICKIN BUSH FOR REPUBLICANS
By Randy Knickers

Check this out, and tell 'em George sent you!

PRESIDENT EXPANDS WAR ON TERROR
By Stockton

The Bush administration has boldly expanded the War on Terror to include a newly discovered weapon of terror: the cicada!

"Cercaders," explained the president, "er parful weapons of mass destruction, used by terrorists and things and people, to fight them, have to fight the weapons and the weapons holders." The president expressed outrage at the world community for not doing more to stop the menace of cicadas: "They're big and ugly and have deviant sexule intercorns."

When pressed for more information, the President disclosed that he feared the existence of a Giant Cicade, that might terrorize Washington.

VICTORIAN ENGLAND REDUX
By Stockton

The Moral Majority has hit England with a vengeance. Even in Great Britain the beloved Garden Gnome, darling of mobile-home America, is no longer safe when frolicking in the buff.

Here, in the United States, legislators are already looking into the same issue.

"Gnome Porn is a blight on our country and our gardens," said Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. "If this keeps up, people will want to marry Garden Gnomes."

James Inhofe (R-OK) was equally outraged. "Am I the only one outraged at this outrage!" said the Senator. "Garden Gnomes put their lives on the line every day and now someone wants to make naked gnome pyramids? Outrageous."

Every year, thousands of Garden Gnomes are gnomenapped from their bucolic hideaways and subjected to the mean streets of America. "It's almost an epidemic," said Jean McCarthy, President of Save the Gnomes. "Walk down any street in any major city at midnight. There are young gnomes everywhere, parading around, selling themselves." Some Gnomes are later found in forced labor camps. Others are never found. The shame for the rescued Gnome is great. "Even when rescued, many," said Ms. McCarthy, "are never the same again."

San Francisco has recently enacted the Gnome Protection Act (Squeakers Law), making gnomenapping a misdemeanor, punishable by up to three weeks in jail and a $1,000 fine. Those convicted have to register their names with the Garden Accessories Crime Bureau and are prohibited from working in lawn maintenance related services for ten years.

REPUBLICAN OUTRAGED OVER OUTRAGE,ADVOCATES TORTURE
By I.L. Newcombe

Senator James Inhofe (R-OK)has expressed outrage at the outrage expressed over prisoner abuse by American soldiers in Iraq. He went on to advocate the full use of torture against anyone in U.S. custody, except those imprisoned for traffic violations.

"I'm probably not the only one up at this table that is more outraged by the outrage than we are by the treatment," Inhofe, an Oklahoma Republican and an outspoken conservative, told a U.S. Senate hearing probing the case.


In heated remarks at odds with others on the Senate Armed Services Committee who criticized the U.S. military's handling of prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison outside Baghdad, Inhofe said American sympathies should lie with U.S. troops.


"I am also outraged that we have so many humanitarian do-gooders right now crawling all over these prisons looking for human rights violations, while our troops, our heroes are fighting and dying," he said.


"These prisoners, you know they're not there for traffic violations," said Inhofe, whose senatorial Web site describes him as an advocate of "Oklahoma values."


"If they're in cellblock 1-A or 1-B, these prisoners, they're murderers, they're terrorists, they're insurgents. Many of them probably have American blood on their hands and here we're so concerned about the treatment of those individuals."

Inhofe's support for torture is not surprising. The Senator represents Oklahoma, a long-time client state of neighboring Texas. At least one Inhofe constituent, with slightly more eloquence than her Federal representative, disagreed.

Cindy Shea, 41, who works in advertising in Edmond, Oklahoma, said of Inhofe's comments: "I wouldn't say those are Oklahoma values. ... I don't think Oklahomans believe in injustice to anybody. I don't think the treatment there is reflective of the values held by the majority of Americans. I think what happened there is horrendous. It's the biggest mess ever."

Asked about his colleague's pro-torture position, Senator John McCain (R-AZ), a torture victim, smiled and said, "That's just James. Everyone knows he's a dick. He rides the small bus to the Capitol every morning."

Iraqi prisoners also criticized Inhofe's characterization of the inmates. Said Ahkmed Mubbar, "I can't speak for the others, but I was just J-Walking. Next thing I know, I'm in a naked human pyramid."

CONGRESS STILL AFTER CLINTON
By Tweed

The United States Congress, not happy with impeaching Bill Clinton, is looking into specific legislation designed to, "put a damper on his retirement."

Let the man be!

ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS ATTEND FICTICIOUS COLLEGE
Guest Commentator: Haribus C. Luthinian

Administration officials, it turns out, are fairly bright. They figured out ways to get college degrees without actually doing any work! Holy Crap! Why wasn't I informed that you could do this!

Evidently, these guys paid lots of money to and attended "fake" univeristies. These universities then issued fake diplomas. That's fucking brilliant!

Like most college boys, I spent most of my time focusing on the two most important things - getting a good education and maintaining a solid GPA. And we worked really hard. So I guess, maybe, I'm a little jeallous of these guys. They, I'm sure had tons of fun, while I was paying attention to my studies.

THE EDUCATION PRESIDENT AND HIS TEAM
By Stockton

Not only are Republican voters "IQ challenged"* according to a recent study, but Administration officials also lack actual higher education credentials. Surprisingly, the Defense Department leads the list. However, administration officials are outraged at the characterization.

"Some of these people slaved over a computer for hours to get these doctorates," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "To say a degree from Steve's College isn't real is an insult to all four alumni."

Other institutions that have handed out degrees to Bush Administration officials include:

Faber College;

Hogwarts;

Bob Jones University;

Chauffeurs Training School.

* IQ Challenged was previously described in the DSM-III as "retarded".

BUSH APPROVAL SINKS
By Stockton

The President's approval numbers have now sunk to an all-time low, according to one new poll, standing at 46%.

In a related story, 46% of American believe professional wrestling is real and that the Blair Witch Project was an actual video of three filmakers disappearing in the Maryland woods.

THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR
By Tweed

A company with strong financial ties to the Bush Administration has won approval to be the first Medicare drug discount card provider.

In a related story, Halliburton is considering entering the discount drug market.

FRATERNITIES SEE PRISON ABUSE AS "NO BIGGIE"
By Stockton

While most Americans view with horror the pictures of prisoner abuse in Iraq, one community merely smiles and shrugs its shoulders.

Fraternities around the United States see the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal as being blown way out of proportion.

"What's the biggie," said Adam Godwin, one Fraternity President. "Making some towel heads form a naked human pyramid is nothing. When I pledged, I had to drop bing cherries into a brandy snifter with my butt cheeks."

Other Fraternity members were equally dismissive of the allegations. "You want to talk abuse," said one Greek leader. "I had my Western Civ and Chem II final on the same day last year. That was fucking torture. That Genoa Convention thingee should be all over that shit."

Alpha Sigma Sigma Chapter President Prescott Elbridge III understood where the Greeks came from. "Those Iraqi's are fucking pussies. They never would have survived pledge week here. Fucking grow up!"

Even Sororities find the allegations overblown. "My father participated in hundreds of naked human pyramids," said one young sorority sister. "And now he's president."

BUSH VIEWS PHOTOS; WON'T SHARE
By Stockton

President Bush has been reviewing the photos of prisoner abuse in Iraq, and in the process, has caused a disturbance in the Executive Branch.

"The problem," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "is that he won't share." The sentiment was expressed by other White House personnel as well. "Why does he get to review them all by himself," said one staffer.

"We've had this problem with George. . . I mean. . . the President before," intoned Cheney. "But in the past, we were able to convince him that sharing means caring. We may have to start taking away some of his privileges."

Close aids last saw the President yesterday, when he took the photos into the Oval Office. He later buzzed his personal valet asking for a bottle of hand lotion.

THOSE WACKY CONSERVATIVES
Editorial

It's funny, what happens to conservatives when things don't go their way.

CHINA - US COLD WAR HEATS UP
By Tweed

US-Chinese relations have taken a decided turn for the worse this past week, as revelations of abuse in US run prisons in Iraq have surfaced.

Li Zhaoxing, Chinese ambassador to the US, expressed dismay at the US treatment of Iraqi prisoners, noted that such abuse is a clear and decided step by the US away from normal US - Chinese relations. "For years our nations existed with the understanding that we, China, were the super power of prisoner abuse," said Li. "When the Soviet Union fell, we thought the US understood that China had the monopoly."

The US responded quickly, noting that no formal agreement existed on the issue, and that the US had heard no complaints through ordinary diplomatic channels. "We're at a loss," said Scott McLellen, White House press secretary.

MORE BAD NEWS FOR BUSH
By Tweed

Buffeted for weeks by bad news from Iraq, President Bush received even more bad news today: the President's "Wubby" may be lost forever.

According to top White House officials, the President inadvertantly left his wubby at the White House Correspondents' dinner; and it was picked up by an enterprising young reporter. The wubby ended up in the hands of one Mary Olfson, 5-years old. When asked if she would return the wubby to the President, Mary said "finders keepers, woosers weepers."

The White House quickly moved into high gear: Vice President Dick Cheney claimed, during a speach regarding strip mining, that Mary frequently played with other childrens' toys without asking, Condi Rice, in an interview, alleged that Mary always used too much paint during art class; L. Paul Bremer accused Mary of throwing away half her dinner; and Chief White House Tool, Bill Frist, claimed that she was mean to cats.

Mary, however, appeared confident that she would be able to retain her new-found wubby, after having had a one hour meeting with her new adoptive parents.

PLAME INVESTIGATION HEATS UP
By Stockton

The investigation into the "outing" of CIA agent Valerie Plame (wife of Bush Administration Critic Joseph Wilson) is moving into an intense investigatory period.

"We've retained a team of top-notch investigators," said a Justice Department spokesperson. "They have a great record and their own transportation."

INTERNET SCAMS ON THE RISE
By Tweed

Internet scams that coax sensitive, personal information from unsuspecting dupes, called "phishing", are on the rise. More than 70% of these scams have occurred in the last six months, over 90% in the last year.

The scam involves e-mails or sending the victim to illegitimate websites that appear to be legitimate.

As a service to our loyal readers, LB in '04 would like to help. Please send us the following information so you can have complete "phishing" protection:

Name:

Address:

Phone Number:

Social Security No:

Credit Card Type and No:

Checking and Savings Account Information:

Any Passwords: for accounts:

Copies of old bank statements:

A Complete and legible copy of you signature:

Stay protected against internet scams and let LickinBush in '04 help.

BUSH NAMES NEW WAR CABINET
BREAKING NEWS!

In a stunning development, President Bush has requested the resignation of Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld has been plagued with criticism the past week over the Iraqi Prison scandal. LickinBush in '04 has learned that Secretary Rumsfeld will step down next week.

Only one name to replace Mr. Rumsfeld has been circulating throughout the Capital. The candidate is a New York businessman, well respected in every circle of life.

On the situation in Iraq, Mr. Corleone said, "We are all reasonable men here. We can reason together to end the bloodshed. After all, it's bad for business."

The breaking news is bad for many at the Pentagon. It is well-known that Mr. Corleone always works with the same people who will, no doubt, be coming to Washington with him.

"Bremer's out, Tessio's in," said Corleone spokesman Peter Clemenza. Asked about a possible role for Paul Wolfowitz, Clemenza said, "Oh, Paulie, you won't see him no more."

Well known New York attorney Tom Hagen is expected to replace Negroponte as the new ambassador to Iraq. In fact, Hagen has already been dispatched to Iraq to negotiate with insurgent cleric Muqtada al Sadr.

At a White House Briefing earlier today, Mr. Corleone said, "I met with the President out of respect. Me and his grandfather made alot of money in the old days. I accepted this job out of respect. But I am a superstitious man. And if something should befall one of my sons, if a plane goes down or a bolt of lightning hits, I will blame someone in this room."

President Bush did not make a statement.

GOP REQUESTS SUPPORTERS' BLOOD; FIRST-BORN
By Stockton

The GOP boldly stepped into the future with its request for more than money from its donors.

"We want more than money," said GOP Chief of Propoganda Ed Gillespie, "we are seeking demonstrations of loyalty, worthy of our party." The request calls for Republicans to donate blood, for the purpose of creating a cloned volunteer youth core to help with republican grass roots efforts, including "get out the vote" drives. "For some reason, Republican men just aren't getting any tail," whined Gillespie. "We need help in that department."

The children, according to Gillespie, will be held by the GOP to ensure "right thinking" within the party.

Some GOP activists expressed skepticism about the tactic. "What about us single guys," said long-time GOP supporter Tony Jackov, "we don't have kids to donate." Other GOP supporters were very supportive. "You know, it's nice to see the party moving in the right direction," said Virginia businessman Eli Mergatroid, "now all the world will be ours."

LONG THOUGHT EXTINCT KENTUCKY DEMOCRAT FOUND ALIVE
By Pillsbury

Beating the odds, paleantologists have discovered a thriving colony of democrats in an unlikely hetherto thought overly hostile environment. One of the main links to the colony is thought to be a creative and informative weblog - bluegrassroots.blogspot.com, which provides a vital link into the thriving world of Kentucky Democrats.

LB in 04 editors Stockton & Tweed, expressed delight at the discovery. "This has been a great year for science," said Stockton. "And for Kentucky democrats," added Tweed. Stockton & Tweed plan to study the colony and hope that their interest as well as the interests of others, will help bluegrassroots thrive.

SWIFT BOAT COMMANDERS FOR TRUTH DISGUST EVEN THEMSELVES
By Stockton

A group of Vietnam Swift Boat Commanders have come out against War Hero John F. Kerry, saying he is unfit to be Commander-in-Chief.

The non-partisan group claims that their assessment of Kerry is not political and not motivated by partisan politics. "The fact we have connections to Texas, the Bush Campaign and President Nixon is mere coincidence," said one member of the group. "No, really, we do not support President Bush. No really. Hey, stop laughing."

"Just look at the guy's record," said one truthful Swift Boat Commander. "Would you trust him."

In comparison, Swift Boat Commanders for Truth have glowing things to say about Bush's military record. "Compare this, to Kerry's and then tell me we're wrong!"

One Swift Boat Commander for Truth, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "we know it's a bunch of bullshit, but Kerry is a real asshole!"

In a related story, former Vice-President Al Gore claims that it was him, not Kerry, who won those medals.

RUMSFELD FIRES BACK
By Tweed

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has fired back after being criticized about the Iraqi Prison scandal.

"The President has repeatedly asked us to find Weapons of Mass Destruction. These prisoner anal probes are part of that search."

"Ask any prison warden," said Rumsfeld. "Prisoners hide alot of things in their toot. Vials of toxins could have been stored in the anal cavity, right there at the prison."

No vials of toxins or WMD's were found during the prisoner anal probes. However, security guards did find nail clippers, Pokemon Cards, a Koran, a Parker Brothers Monopoly Game Board and photos of the Bush twins.

ROY "THOU SHALL NOT" MOORE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 04
By Stockton

In a move White House supporters have worried about for the past few months, Judge Roy Moore publically stated today that he is seriously considering a run for president.

Though still suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, Moore, in an emotional speach to supporters expressed his hope that "all the world will live under the teachings of my God, and my gun." During the speach, Moore frequently returned to what will likely be his campaign theme - "the ten commandments in every school and a rifle in every house!"

Moore is best known for placing a 2 ton, granite Ten Commandments Monument in the vestibule of the Alabama Supreme Court Building. When it was finally removed, Moore fell to his knees and dramatically stated, "they blew it up. Damn them all to hell!"

Even without formally announcing, Moore supporters are lining up.

"He's very intelligent," said one supporter, "but so damn ugly."

He does have his detractors. "He wants to change our way of life. I can't allow that!" Said one opponent."Plus, he smells funny."

Moore suffered a political setback just weeks ago when he was caught violating one of God's Laws. "Yes," admitted Moore. "I have, in the past, coveted my neighbors ass."

FLYNT TO SUE UNITED STATES ARMY
By Stockton

Adult publisher Larry Flynt has filed a lawsuit against the United States Army. Flynt is seeking an order from the court that would compel the United States Army to cease the practice of using Iraqi prisoners to build a "naked, human pyramid."

"That's my concept, it's my creation," argued Flynt, as he wheeled around the courthouse Rotunda. "Now, the Army of the United States has gone and made it something dirty."

Flynt stated that the idea for a "naked, human pyramid" first occurred to him after an all-night coke binge in 1977. "Then, it was something beautiful," said Flynt. "A few dozen well-built, blonds piling on top of one another. But this thing at the Iraqi prison, that's tasteless and perverted. It's about cute chicks, not hairy-assed Iraqi guys. I ask you, who's the pervert?"

Flynt is also seeking money damages. "The army has ruined the idea now. No more naked, human pyramids and that means I'm out of alot of cash."

GUEST COMMENTARY

Lickin Bush in '04 prides itself on being fair, balanced and vicious. To that end, we have invited the Reverend Homer Smoot to make periodic contributions to Lickin Bush in '04.

TIS THE SEASON TO BE SATANIC
By Rev. Homer Smoot

First, I'd like to thank the editors of Lickin Bush in '04. The opportunity to provide social commentary to this blog will not help Mr. Stockton or Mr. Tweed avoid everlasting domination in the fiery pits of Hell, but it is a good opportunity for me to inform the Christian Community of the devilish pitfalls plaguing our society.

We are now just weeks away from the opening of the latest Harry Potter movie, the Prisoner of Azkaban. On June 5, 2004, Christian families will once again be subject to the twisted, destructive ideas and imagination of Neo-Pagan/Satanist JK. Rowling.

Children everywhere will soon request Harry Potter books, merchandise and of course, tickets to this pagan-debauchery. It is time to stand up for good Christian/Family values and say NO! NO! NO!

Parents, I beseech you to actually read one of Ms. Rowling's works. I haven't, but I have heard distressing things.

In Ms. Rowling's world, Wizards and Witches (Pagans/Satanist) look down upon Muggles (Christians). Muggles are portrayed as evil, ignorant, stupid and supporters of the the Flat Tax. Wizards and Witches are good, humble and selfless. Worst of all, Hermione Granger is a Muggle turned Witch, betraying her people and her deity. But, it doesn't end there. The books are laced with obscenity and heresy.

In one book, Mr. Potter and friends desecrate a church by smearing the alter with elf feces. The fact it is a Catholic Church lessens the heresy, but such scenes are nonetheless disturbing

In another book, a group of young wizards frolic with a naked gargoyle. This particular passage shoves homosexual innuendo in our face. It drips with lusty sweat as it penetrates our very soul, thrusting and thrusting, begging us to give in to fleshy temptation.

In a most disturbing passage, Hermione Granger uses magic to....well...

Hermione pointed her wand at Harry's pants shouting, "Viagrus, Cialis Maximus!" Harry looked down, startled but pleased at the feeling raging in his cloak. The sudden engorgment forced Hermione back against the wall. "Yipee!" Shouted Hermione, "look at the girth!"

Is this the type of 'entertainment' we want our children subjected to? I say NO! Parents, read your Bible, in particular, Leviticus. This particular book gives us timeless advice for life and parenting. For instance:

1- Thou shall not suffer a witch to live;

2- Thou shall keep your 'Hoo-Hoo' out of the Hiney;

3- Do not eat shellfish while in the Middle East.

Simple rules for us and our children.

Thank You and God-Bless.

OLD STORY, NEW FACTS: PRESIDENT VIOLATES LAW
By Tweed

Once again, the Executive Branch has violated the law. This time, the Bush administration's binding and gagging of Richard Foster, Medicare's chief actuary, to prevent him from revealing to Congress the real cost of the President's Drug Benefit Plan, has been determined to be illegal.

In a report issued today, the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service determined that White House staffers violated a number of Federal laws and numerous Virginia state laws when it bound Mr. Foster with handcuffs and twine, gagged him with electrical tape, placed him in the trunk of an American sedan, drove him to an undisclosed location in Loudon County Virginia and engaged in a variety of acts, some of which are described as sodomy under Virginia law.

White House spokesman Scott McLellen tried to deflect questions about the incident, noting that "We understand that the CRS report makes clear that no animals were involved, no children were involved, clowns are frequently found in that part of Virginia at night, in horse pastures, and Monica Lewinsky was in New York at the time."

BUSH CREATES JOBS IN OHIO
By Stockton

The Bush-Cheney Bus Tour rolled into Ohio with good news. In front of a pre-selected audience, President Bush announced the creation of two new jobs for Ohio.

The President then introduced the two newly employed Ohio residents, Drs. Felton and Shelby. The two cardiologists will be temporarily employed by the campaign to administer to the medical needs of Vice-President Cheney.

"And who knows," Bush told the elated audience. "If things go south for Dick here in Ohio, we may need to hire a mortician. Three new jobs for Ohio!"

Ohio citizens were upbeat about the two new jobs. "If this keeps up, will be back on our feet in eight or nine years!"

LB IN 04 EDITORS ADMIT DEFEAT
By Pillsbury

Today, Lickin Bush in 04 editors, Stockton and Tweed, admitted that they are not the prime anti-Delay force on the worldwide web.

"When you know, you just know," said Stockton. "The folks over at Undelay.org just have us beat." "There's just no keeping up," added Tweed, "we kept scandalizing, calumniating, impeaching and ridiculing, and we still can't beat those guys. They're linked to Delay's challenger and are working to raise money - they can't be beat."

Stockton and Tweed vowed to continue their efforts, but urge their readers to "check out the masters" of Undelaying the country, and to check out the post below.

TOM DELAY INJURED
By Stockton

A freak boating accident will sideline Congressman Tom Delay and his campaign for re-election for two to four weeks. Details are sketchy on why Congressman Delay was aboard the party boat Raging Queen.

The boat owner, Angry Dragon (aka. Stewart Humphrey), would only confirm that Delay was aboard and had "really earned his Captain Bars."

A donkey was also injured in the accident. Senator Rick Santorum's Congressional Oversight Committee on the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals will invesitagate.

KERRY AND BUSH IDENTIFY ECONOMIC ADVISORS
By Tweed

Senator John Kerry and President George Bush have begun to make public their selections for economic policy advisors this week.

Senator Kerry, maintaining his position of being serious with respect to the nation's finances and the business climate, has identified billionaire investor Warren Buffet as one of his advisors.

President Bush, also maintaining one of his long-time positions, has shunned Wall Street for Sesame Street - identifying The Count as his chief economic policy advisor. Seeking to cut off controversy over the decision, White House spokesman, Scott McLellen noted that "the Count became a US citizen many years ago - any criticism of this choice should be viewed offensive to all Transylvanians and people of Transylvaniac descent."

President Bush was questioned on the move during an appearance in the Rose garden. "Say what y'all want - but when this guy counts, people listen - cause there's just noise everywhere and thunder happens. Besides, he comes from good people."

When reached for comment, the Count seemed very happy: "He said I could count de deficit as long as I vanted. . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . One . . . One Beellion dollars. . . Two Beellion dollars. . . ha ha ha ha ha."

HONORING EXCELLENCE
Editorial

In a salute to excellence now weeks overdo, the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame has finally honored two of our nation's most cherished stars.

Critics have agreed for years that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were long overdo for the film industry honor.

For the past ten years, Olsen fans have wondered if their favorite stars would continued to be shunned. "What were they waiting for?" Asked long-time fan Mary Devereaux. "I thought the twins would have to die before they were recognized."

Critical acclaim came early for the two stars with their tour de force performance on the situation comedy Full House.

"Their ability on Full House really ran the gamut from A to B." Said long-time critic, Rex Reed. "The roles they take now are so diversified. They can play twins or teenagers. It's scary."

Leonard Moltin, another long-time critic was even more praising of the twins. "I think you'd have to go back to Larry Storch to find any performer the equal of Mary-Kate and Ashley."

Fans of the duo are delighted. "Mary-Kate and Ashley are our Kate and Audrey Hepburn," said one fan, referencing Hollywood's other famous set of twins.

CEASE-FIRE SPREADS
By Tweed

A great sigh of relief was heard at the White House when it was confirmed that the Iraqi cease-fire is spreading throughout the nation.

L. PAUL BREMER REAFFIRMS "TOOL" STATUS
By Stockton

In a move seen as a counter to the activities of Rich Lowry (See April 30 Post) and Bill Frist (See March 31Post), L. Paul Bremer decisively reaffirmed his "White House Tool" status.

"I want this message to be heard loud and clear," Bremer said in a news conference held in a large concrete bunker in an undisclosed location in Baghdad, "no one - no one can claim to be President Bush's bitch who has better credentials than me." Bremer pointed to the many occasions when he put his professional beliefs aside to follow the President's lead on ill-conceived policy. "I've grabbed my ankles so frequently," Bremer noted after the conference, "that I can tell the ring size of each of my toes."

In an apparent attempt to reclaim his status as Chief White House Tool, Senator Frist said that he would gladly accept the President's Mr. Winkie in his mouth. Frist aides quickly backtracked on the Senator's statement, noting that the only presidential winkie-mouth issue was the one involving Bill Clinton, who should have been impeached.

KERRY SEARCHES FOR VP

Democratic Presidential candidate John F. Kerry has sped up his search for a running mate.

"I'm 60 years old," said Kerry, "and I've never had a running mate. I think I'm finally ready."

The Kerry campaign has had little success in finding Kerry a partner.

"It's tough out there," said one Kerry advisor. "You're competing with much younger people and it's just so hard to meet that perfect someone."

Kerry has come close to selecting a mate, but problems intervened.

"I was looking at one senator from Connecticut. He seemed solid and stable and had a good sense of humor. Then, I found out that he had been a running mate for someone else. I should have known. He never gave me his home phone number. He always wanted me to call him on his cell-phone or beep him."

With over 18 compatability categories, the Kerry Camp hopes that eharmony.com will be his last stop in the VP search.

BUSH NOT DYSLEXIC, SAY EXPERTS
By Stockton

Judy Williams, an expert in cognitive disorders, has stated that President Bush is not Dyslexic. The President, known for his inability to construct sentences, has long been plagued by rumors that he suffered from the language affliction.

"Dyslexia," explained Dr. Williams, "is a specific cognitive disorder where the victim transposes words and letters. The dyslexic sees words and letters upside down or backwards. Bush has been accused of having dyslexia because he is pathologically inarticulate. However, with some time and effort, the true dyslexic can 'compensate' for the affliction and learn to read, write and speak."

And President Bush: "He's just stupid," said Dr. Williams. "Not dyslexic."

Millions of Americans seem not to care about Bush's lack of oratorical skills. After a major speech many Americans are heard to say, "he talks alright for me." What about those people who like Bush's downhome, homespun, plain way of speaking?

"They're stupid too," Said Dr. Williams. "How else can you describe people proud of an inability to properly speak the language?"

The President has always denied the dyslexia charge and has now been proved right. "Them accused I of everything under the sun," said President Bush. "Now it's eating disorders!"

Barbara Bush, the First Mother, also denies her son has any disorder. "George has always been....well....'special'....but never dyslexic."

A NEW MONTH

Welcome, loyal LB in 04 readers, to the new month. We at LB in 04 urge our new readers to check out our archives to see what they missed over the last two months.

For our first post in the new month, we bring you a GUEST ARTICLE (edited by Stockton and Tweed) from one of our earliest readers, Big Al. Read it and weep:

NRA CHARTERS NEW CHAPTER IN FALLUJA, IRAQ
By Big Al

Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice-President of the National Rifle Association, announced the chartering of the organization’s newest chapter: NRA Falluja. The Falluja NRA chapter marks the gun-owning communities expansion into the newly freed nation of Iraq. “We are taking aim at gun restrictions in Falluja” said LaPierre. “No sooner have the people of Iraq been freed from the tyranny of Saddam than the jack-booted critics of gun rights have tried to take away Iraqis’ right to bear arms. But, no law, no gag order, no force or fear will ever silence the legitimate political voice of this great association.”

The city, a sandy mix of wide boulevards and back alleys along the Euphrates River west of Baghdad, poses what American military officials say is an immensely complicated and dangerous urban combat terrain but what LaPierre says is an “enormous, unprecedented opportunity for all defenders and supporters of the Second Amendment to stop those who would destroy the Second Amendment behind the guise of fighting terrorism. Plus, they get a tote bag.”

NRA Falluja members will enjoy all the benefits of membership of U.S. NRA members. One lucky member of NRA Falluja just might win a Winchester model 1866 rifle in the Charlton Heston “Cold Dead Hands” Rifle Contest . NRA Falluja is also offering all new members who sign-up with the organization before June 1, 2004, the NRA 16 oz colored acrylic tumbler, great for hot or cold beverages and a handy tote bag, perfect for transporting small caliber weapons and ammunition.

The NRA hopes to expand its membership throughout newly freed Iraq through grassroots development, gun safety meetings and local Youth Jihad Clubs. "You have to get them while they're young," said Mr. LaPierre.